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how my time such ex spend with new baby

8 replies

jellybean86 · 10/01/2010 18:01

Im 23 and my ex is 24 and Im due in 7 weeks after being together after a year and a half. We split 3 weeks ago.

Ive moved home 15miles away from him. He works mon-fri full time but is very flexi, and i work part time near his home (weds pm, thurs all day and every other sunday morning) Ill be going to maternity leave for 6months.

How much time realistically shoudl he get with DD. Im planning of breastfeeding and was planning on this from day 1 so its quite unpracticial for him to have have DD without me there.

Im just so scared he is going to try and take her off me for half the week :-(
It makes sense if he has her while im working as im in the same town.

I just dont know what is acceptable. And the birth is scaring me as i dont think i want him there cos i would find it too difficult and i KNOW he will kick up a fuss.

OP posts:
Heqet · 10/01/2010 18:07

No idea. Not much while you're breastfeeding I wouldn't have thought.

But as much as possible cos he's her dad and it's important that they bond too.

But if he's a twat then as little as possible.

It's impossible to say, really. Perhaps court or mediation might be the best bet?

re the birth - you do what is best for you. If you don't want him there, then don't phone him when you go into labour - how else would he know? Leave instructions with the midwife that if he somehow finds out, to not let him in. Perhaps don't tell him that you won't be letting him know, if you think he will be difficult? And after, say it all happened so fast? It's just that it is better for the birth to not have you all stressed.

FlightAttendant · 10/01/2010 18:27

Oh sweetheart. Have you got anyone on your side in real life? Sounds like you could use some support and advice, plus someone there to stand up for you. Having a baby is really stressful enough without having to deal with potential ex-related complications.

Firstly - you have no responsibility to have anyone at the birth - not even the baby's dad - seriously. This is completely your call and anything you find stressful is bad for your health and your labour, so put that idea right out of your head now.

I wonder if someone could recommend a doula to be with you - might not be something you've heard of, but it's just a woman who knows how it feels to give birth, standing by you helping you communicate your needs to those around you and generally being your voice and helper. I had one come to help me for free, as she was trying to qualify.

Also my friend came round and was brilliant.

Don't let him know, and tell everyone else NOT to let him know, when the time comes. And definitely instructions not to let him in. The birth is your thing.

If you are breastfeeding your baby, he will not be taking her overnight at all until she is much older - maybe a year or more? Not sure. But anyway - this is important. Don't be pressured into bottle feeding or routine feeding (ie not on demand) just to please him.

I think with little babies, if a bloke wants to be seriously involved, you are looking at short periods of time with her, maybe once a week or a few times a week if that seems more like it. (and probably with you present or close by in case she needs a feed)

Is this doable? I mean are you comfortable with having him in your house?

I hope you have got someone around who will support you and talk this over with you, and help fend him off if he causes you any stress.

jellybean86 · 10/01/2010 18:39

Thanks flight

Well im living back with my mum and dad until i get sorted (dont think i can cope with being alone for a while). My best friend is going to be at the birth with me. And i know my mum will be there although i dont want her in the room while im in the final stages.

I might just say to him he can be there while im pushing and to cut the cord as previously planned. But i certainly dont want him there all the time whilst im labouring. I dont want to be bitter about everything, and i know how much it means to him seeing DD born. I just dont want that to be used as weapon afterwards. And if it was the other way around i would be very upset missing the birth.

Does that sound fair?

I think my parents would have more of a problem with him coming to the house, but that is just something they have to accept. If not ill rent somewhere but not just yet

OP posts:
FlightAttendant · 10/01/2010 18:53

It sounds like you are being very fair

However if this is the first time you have given birth, I would be cautious about what you plan until you are actually there, if you see what I mean.

Labour isn't generally like anyone expects. If I had had someone I found a bit difficult there when I was in the early stages I could have coped vaguely, but pushing?> Well, it's when you are at your most scared, in pain and vulnerable, and I really wouldn't want anyone there at all apart from very close friends and midwife. Just bear that in mind really.

Maybe he could come in afterwards, once you have ahd time to recover slightly and feel Ok enough to see him.

I'm glad you've got your mum and dad there. Sounds as though they care about you enough to be protective, that's very good, make the most of it...I had mine close by in a very similar situation to you, but wished I could have been living with them as I'd have felt much safer from ex!!

Good luck sweetie, I don't know where you can find out about the usual contact with a newborn, but hopefully someone else on here will see your post and answer.

MonicaMoniker · 10/01/2010 19:01

I was in the same position as you jellybean.

I didn't tell my ex when I went into labour and had a nice peaceful birth with just me & a midwife. He found out I'd had the baby though & visited me in hospital with a nurse supervising (he was violent towards me during my pregnancy).

I lived with my parents at the time & they were a great source of support both emotionally & finacially to me and my baby. Luckily, my ex wasn't interested in access at all once I was home from the hospital and that suited me fine. His loss definitely and it made life a lot simpler for me & my daughter.

I wish you all the luck in the world with your new baby. Hope it all works out for you.

rockabyebaby · 10/01/2010 19:54

my ex walked out on me when i was 2 days over due and didnt contact me so i never let him know when i went into labour.

i would make the same chioce again as i felt i needed someome there who cared about me!

this caused massive rows between us, i never did it as a bitter thing just coludnt cope with him being there. you have to do whats best for you and baby

i was worried he would take my baby away too but i need not have worried. he would come round and see baby for maybe an hour at a time and i wolud have a bath.

take it a day at a time you are both new to it all as long as you try and always put baby first you will be fine

good luck

jellybean86 · 10/01/2010 22:16

thanks for all you advice guys :-)

OP posts:
Scorps · 10/01/2010 22:37

I had my dd eleven days ago without my h present. He couldn't be that support to me anymore.

I'm planning on an hour here; a bath there until she can have ebm bottles, when I will pop out for a few hours then. Until then it's my say so.

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