so we've told our daughter

[anon1968]

My husband told our 11 yr old daughter last night he was moving out, she cried obviously and then said she wanted to be on her own, i went up to her bedroom about 10 mins later and hugged her, told her i loved her, ( i wasnt there when he told her, he said it was up to him), she was fine after a while, even went for a takeaway with her dad, however she won't talk about things, when i ask her if she is ok, she just says yeah, and then changes the subject, obviously it hasnt hit her yet and prob won;t until he goes ( next week), what do i do now, do i not ask her to talk? and see what happens, it all feels so wrong, i'm hurting so much cos i didnt want any of this, and just feel so lost and have no idea how to go about this

I have not been in this situation but the only thing that I could suggest is that you make sure to give her lots of extra cuddles and tell her that you know it is really sad and she can talk to you about it any time. She probably doesn't have anything to say and will need time to process things. Also probably really important to remind her how much you both love her and that will never change. Sorry if this is all really obvious - I'm sure what you are doing anyway but didn't want to see your post go unanswered. Good luck

Make sure she gets extra attention. Lots of hus and cuddles. When my parents divorced my mom was so upset (understandably) that she forgot that I was going through a loss to. I felt so lonely.

my dd was like that when i left her dad. she was only four. but she has NEVER talked about how it makes her feel. she seems ok though. you can't expect her to cry to your schedule. maybe it'll hit her one day when something seemingly minor is just one more straw that breaks the camel's back.... so look out for tiny things that seem to be upsetting her a lot.

ps, i know 11 might be too old for this... but after i left my dd's dad, i dragged a foam z bed into her room and slept with her in her room until she told me we could go back to sleeping in our own rooms again. we didn't talk, but i was closer to her than I usually felt.
hth

hi

She did sleep with me last night, think that was just because we fell asleep watching tv.

Today has been horrible, she went shopping with her dad, and they bought a blow up bed as a temp solution, for when she goes to stay with him, he is renting a room until he can save to furnish his own place, anyway they blew it up when they got back to try it out, it really upset me, felt like it was being rubbed in my face, she was then like "are you allright mum" and i just said yes, but she was upset because i didnt join in and get enthusiastic, and then spent a few mins crying, which i now feel is my fault and really must try and not let her see how sad i am, otherwise she is really going to shut me out, will have to try and be more enthusiastic now for her sake, even more so when she does go to stay otherwise it really is going to be bad for her, i need to accept that she doesnt want to talk, but it feels so weird just carrying on as though nothing has happened,but i suppose thats her way of dealing with it, it will prob hit her more when he goes, i hate being shut out as we have always been close, but then again have never had to deal with anything like this. As for the extra cuddles,i don;t think she wants that at the min, think im being a bit overpowering/overprotective.

Just knowing you are there to listen will be enough in the early days. You may find she talks to her mates more than you, and believe me, a lot of her mates will have been through this.

My DCs were all younger than this when i split from my exH and they have never really talked about the reasons behind it or how sad they were.

They knew they could though, and rather than asking them "are you okay" which can get a "yep" response I tended to ask "how are you feeling"?

Plesae let her see how sad you are. And if you are not feeling enthusiastic about something, don't be. This is about being honest. You don't want her to pretend to feel differently, so why should you?

Just continue to support her as you have, and talk to her about how you feel, in a way appropriate to her age. "Damn, I keep laying the table for three. It is going to take a while to get used to that" etc.

Hello, am a bit further down the line and mine are much younger but I do understand, have a little bit of useless advice, I found a website set up by 2 mums aimed at the kids not us, where children can write questions, explain situations and how they felt etc and get really good advice, think there is a few sites like that, maybe you can go on one together so you know its 'safe', only helpfully cant remember what its called! Hate to admit it but I saw it in the 'you' magazine in the sunday mail, some months ago, maybe someone else knows what I'm talking about?
Good luck and remember if you're doing your best you can do no more xx

maybe buy her a diary with a lock on it. tell her that if she wants to vent privately in the diary, things she can't say to you, if there is stuff she can't say to you, then perhaps she could write it in a diary....

ps, tell her that adjustment is the hard part, it doesn't go on being so bad indefinitely. Adults know this. It's obvious to us that once we have adjusted it doesn't feel so bad any more. It might be clear to an 11 year old. She might feel that she's going to feel more or less the same way she feels now for the next 8 years or so til she leaves home!!