I've found ds' dad online and would like some help with wording an email to him please?

[mogs0]

Right, I posted a couple of days ago about finding an online profile for ds' dad but have now found him on FB and it's definitely him - though I felt like such a stalker going through people's profiles .

Can anyone help me compose an email to him? I don't really know what I want from him or, more importantly, what ds wants from him. He is in Australia so it's not like weekly face-to-face contact is going to happen but I do need to know either way whether he is prepared to have anything to do with ds.

I'm still shocked at finding him - I haven't seen him for nearly 8 years.

BTW Ds doesn't know anything about me trying to find him and if nothing comes of this I won't be telling him anything but I have made notes of the names and areas I've found out if he wanted to look for him when he's older.

I think i would just start with a "hi. i know this is out of the blue but do you fancy having a chat some time"

Im assuming he knows about your DS?

Before you compose anything to him, I think you need to decide exactly what you want from him.

If you contact him and he suddenly gets all enthusiastic about inviting your DS on holiday to Australia, how would you feel about it/ deal with it? Or if he e-mails back and says "Never darken my door again"? You really need to be very straight in your own mind what you are hoping to achieve by contacting him.

Mamazon - He knew I was pg but moved to Oz when I was about 4 months pg. No contact since.

I feel I need to write more than just hi and don't want him to reply 'sometime'. I'm sure he won't be expecting me to contact him so will therefore need time to think about it, however, if he feels the same now as he did 8 years ago then I'd rather know sooner.

HerBeatitude - If he replied wanting to see ds I'd be thrilled but I'm not confident that is going to happen. The least I'd like for ds is for him to have an email or phone conversation so that ds can associate his dad with a RL person and not just a photograph. Is a, potentially, one-off phone call going to be any better for ds? If he tells me to never darken his door again then I have to deal with that but at least I'd know. I'm worried that he'll just remove himself from FB or block me or something without replying to me first or giving me the chance to explain - am I sounding too desperate?

no that makes sense.

I dont think you should go into too much detail at first though.

maybe a

"hi,
i know this is out of the blue but figurred facebook was as neutral a place to do this as any.
I wanted to contact you to let you know that you have a son, his name is xx and he is now xxyo.

Please don't feel i am asking anything from you, at the most obvious you are thousands of miles away so it would hahrdly be practical.

I just wanted you to know and to offer you the chance of speaking to me about xx.
He doesn't know i am contacting you though he does/nt know who you are.

You are under no pressure to have a relationship with him if that is not your wish, but i would very much like it if we could discuss it at some point.

???

maybe an email that is honest and straight to the point is the way to go. Then if he doesn't reply or blocks you at least you have given him all the information you wanted to.
Tell him that he has a son, his name and how old he is. Include any other information you feel he should know. Then the ball will be in his court to reply or not.
He may suprise you and be happy you've got in touch. People can grow up a lot in 8 years! Maybe he has wanted to contact you but is too scared how you might react or that you've moved on and don't want to know.

Thanks both!!

Mamazon - that is perfect and would have taken me a week to come up with myself!

kid - yes, I agree. I want him to have all the relevant information incase he blocks me.
TBH, he was pretty grown up before he left but I'm hoping he will at least be prepared to discuss ds with me.

Send a picture of your DS

I've just thought of another potential problem. He returned to Oz to be with his family and, as far as I know, is living with them. What if another family member sees my message before he does?

paula - do you think I should?

if you send it to his inbox you can't be held responsible if someone else see's it first.

I suppose so.

It might tug his heart strings a bit

I wouldn't send a photo and you shouldn't have to to tug his heart strings.

You really have to think carefully about why you are doing this as that is relevant.

Hi,
I wouldn't send a photo,just basic info and your contact details so as someone said earlier the ball is in his court. The email Mamazon laid out looks good.
I think your doing the right thing,am in a similar situation and it is very important to me to be able to tell my DS that I always done what I could to enable his dad to be in his life,that he chooses not to is in no-ones control but his.
You seem to be putting a lot of pressure on yourself,send the e-mail and try to relax.Deal with events as they happen,the crux is whether he wants a relationship with DS...get your answer to that 1st,then you can dedcide how to proceed.

I think a low key email sounds a good way forward. You'll have done everything you can to open up communication between your son and his father. It's then up to this man.