What do I say to my friend?

[dixia]

Hi

I have a friend whose husband has just left her. He was pretty controlling, a workaholic, psychologically disturbed and an adulterer. So I think she is genuinely quite relieved that he has gone. This all happened over christmas, so it is quite new and sore.

She has 2 kids - DS is 3 and DD is 14months. He left her once before when she was PG with DD.

Over the last year there has been lots of upheaval at their house including her MIL and SIL coming to live with them, which made life very hard.

Now she is alone with the kids but her DS has reacted very badly to the whole situation. TBH it has been getting worse for some time with him. He is now up half the night and complaining about strange men and being frightened. He is clearly disturbed and it is upsetting her very much.

Last time her husband left her he left her with no money (he has lots), and just cut her off really. She is clearly worried about what she will do in the long and short term for money.

I am seeing her tomorrow night and I would love to be able to give her a few bits of advice or words of good luck from others that may understand what she is going through.

The aftermath of a breakup is always the worst time. I left with four-month-old twins and literally the clothes on our back. Within a few months, I was so much happier than I'd ever been 'at home' in the relationship. Although your friend may feel that her life has been turned upside down, it can only get better. Tell her to hang on to that thought. With friends like you rallying around, she'll make it through.

Practically, the first things she need to do are see a solicitor and find out what financial aid she's entitled to. If she's worried about money, most solicitors will give you 30-45 mins free consultation to begin with, and if she has no money of her own, she may be entitled to legal aid anyway. CAB could help her with this. As a married woman, she will have many rights enshrined in law, and these may well have a bearing on how she decides to handle the breakup (e.g. staying in the family home, etc).

This site is a good place for her to find out what benefits/support she may be eligible for to help her in the meantime.

It's easier said than done, but emotionally and practically, she will probably be better off assuming and planning for receiving no help from her husband. If he decides to behave honourably, great, but if he doesn't she's not going to be left hanging. Unless her DS has other issues going on, she'll probably find that time, love and patience will help to settle down his night-time waking and anxiety. Children of his age don't understand the bigger picture but are very emotionally attuned to the goings on in a household. Given everything that's happened (and the fact your friend's husband left once already) it's not surprising the little one is disturbed. Dad being gone is not a bad thing if the house is happier and more stable as a result.

your friend will be fine in the long run, I'm sure, especially if she has good friends around her to support and listen.

Thanks optimists. That is really useful to hear. I hope you are settling down ok now. It must be horrible for anyone to have to go through. I admire everyone that comes out the other side and is stronger for it.

Thanks dixia, I'm fine now, nearly three years on. I now have a great job working for possibly the best employers ever. I own my house (well technically the bank do...). And my experience has shown me I have wonderful friends who have really gone the extra mile. Best of all, I have two gorgeous children who are happy, full of fun and life, and easy to 'parent' in a way I doubt would ever have been possible if I'd stayed with their Dad. Life is great and would never have been like this if I hadn't become a single parent - something your friend should think of whenever she has a low point. Because she has to cope by herself, she'll find that her problems are solved by her own actions, and as a result her confidence will increase, encouraging her to try new things and take her chances, and it all snowballs from that. Best of luck.