considering becoming a lone parent through sperm donation - anyone done it?

[WeesaD]

I am a single mum of a little girl of 5. Her father is very much involved (read obsessed), a total bully to me but provides for her financially at least. I am 39 and have wanted another child ever since my first, and am now considering sperm donation as I NEVER want to go through the last 4 years of hell re custody and money battles - and then lose my daughter 40% of the time!!
I am pretty OK financially, have a roof over my head, know I can raise a child on my own as I am doing really well so far and have doen for 4 years now, and have great friends to support me.....so? any advice/ any one been where I am now?

Have thought about it op, as just turned 41 and I feel that clock ticking.

Yet I just can't get comfortable with the idea of introducing a life into the world who has no chance of knowing it's roots.

Even tho my exdh has let dd down, it is his choice and there was a fair chance of her having a dad in her life.

I am not sure what the answer is, i just keep my fingers crossed that fate will bring me a boyfreind.

it is so hard when you feel broody tho, and i would love my dd to have a sibling.

I am a single mother by choice, and did think long and hard about the rights and wrongs of bringing a child into the world who wouldn't know his/her father. In the end I decided that was probably not as bad a situation to be in as having a father who was a complete twunt (and a quick glance through the relationships and single parents sections here will convince you there are a great many of these). So far, my DS seems very happy and well adjusted, and I have lots of close and supportive friends of both sexes, so hopefully he will have all the role models he needs. Good luck if you decide to go ahead.

In families where the children have different parents they are sometimes (not always, but it's 100% for the kids it happens to) treated very differently.

So one kid gets expensive christmas presents and foreign holidays, and the other doesn't. One kid sees their dad every week, and the other hardly ever does. etc etc.

I think it's better to make things fair than to do that to your children. If that means IVF alone, then so be it. Personally, I applaud the OP for thinking ahead for her kids, rather than taking the selfish route of waiting till there's a man she might be able to rely on financially, which may either never happen, or lead to more heartbreak later on.

Lurcio, really interesting to hear your story. How old is your ds tho, what questions has he asked? What do you plan to tell him when he asks. Genuinely asking here.

thanks

Firstly, I am NOT a journo. Just new to this - and if this is how some of you treat newbies then no wonder some never post again! To those of you who asked questions, and did not judge - thankyou. I thought we were supposed to be supportive of each other (even if we don't necessarily agree).
For the record, my ex was abusive. So 1) I never want to put another child through that again, and 2) I am pushing 40, have been on my own for 4 years and don''tt just want to start a relationship with someone I know it won't last with just so that I can have a baby - thereby putting that child through the whole nightmare scenario of splitting their time and being miserable about it.

my ds does actually have a dad out there somewhere but has had no contact with him for 4 years (ds is 5) i have no support from him financially or in any other way.

i know that him still being there in the background somewhere in the world problems will come at some point in the future when the questions start to come in a few years time.

i would happily support someone wanting to bring a child into the world this way like the op. all that matters is that child has a stable loving home. many children such as my ds only have one parent present in their lives. just because my ds has another biological parent floating around somewhere doesn't mean my ds has a more stable life than a baby born by sperm donor - maybe its even the other way around in some cases!

weesad, it is over a week since you posted, so some people would think that a bit fishy, only becuase many people have given heartfelt and difficult advice to others before and it's been a troll.

You will know yourself the situations some of us are in with absent ex husbands, partners. There is alot of support here too.

However i look at it, it still comes back to one thing, insatiable broodiness, and i would love another child, (like you am watching my biological clock ticking faster) I cannot get my head around willingliy bringing into the world a baby that would not have half a chance of having it's father around, as i said earlier. Ijust don't know how i would deal with that.

it's a toughie.

this view may also be based on the heartache i have seen my dd go thru.

maybe it would be a different kind of 'explaining' iyswim

Piratecat - soory for the delay in replying, been a while since I've had a chance to go online. DS is only 23 months so isn't asking yet (though I'm making sure we do read books with daddies in). I'm trying to make sure his origins have always been part of his life so don't come as a surprise, so we have a bedtime story: "Once upon a time there was a mummy who really wanted a little boy, but wasn't lucky enough to meet a daddy. So she went to some nice doctors who took half the baby ingredients out of mummy's tummmy and a nice man gave the doctors the other half of the baby ingredients and they mixed them together and put them back in mummy's tummy...." etc. I went through a clinic, both for the sake of my own health (not sure how well diy internet sites screen for hiv/hepatitis etc) and so that DS would have a donor willing to be identified at 18 (and I know some basic things about the donor that I can tell DS).

How long were you researching lurcio?

I guess i am only too aware of how maleable dd was between ages 1-3, to make excuses for her dad, who was having contact but regularly leaving her upset.

It IS very different in that your son will not feel as tho he has loved someone and met them and lived with them, only to be let down?

mt own father never knew his father (very different circs to yours), and I have never heard him speak of feeling abandoned. Which is one thing I would be scared of.

i really respect your decision. This is a very interesting post.

Weesad you're not really a true mumsnetter unless you've been accused of TROLLING at least a couple of dozen times. Consider yourself initiated

thanks 2kidzandi!

Weesad - I can relate to the "not wanting to have a relationship just to have a child" point of view - it's one of the main reasons I went down the sperm donation route. I felt that aged 40 I'd be in the position of saying to anyone I met on about date 3 "well, we have to start ttc in 3 months" - the poor guy would never have known whether I wanted him or his sperm, nor for that matter would I.

Piratecat - I think your comments about being abandonned are very much relevant to my situation. My dad had a father who walked out on his family when my dad was young, and my mum had spent 5 years as a single parent following a messy divorce before meeting my dad. My dad's take was that at least his father had made a clean break of things, unlike my sister's father who messed her around for years to get at my mum, and that probably a sperm donor was preferable to either scenario. I also knew that my paternal grandmother had managed single motherhood ok, and so had my mum (coo, that would scare the hell out of the average tory mp - single mothers as strong women and positive role models) - though I have to say I had no idea how tough it was going to be and have even more respect for them now. I just wish they were both still around so I could tell them that.

I didn't research it for long, to be honest. I was pretty much out of time by then (DS was born not long after I turned 42).

LurcioLovesFrankie -

That's exactly how I feel. I am a good mom to my daughter, and although have only been a single mother since she was a year old do feelthat I could do it again. I want to. I also never want to put any child through being shunted between parents like a parcel. I think that that ends up doing more damage - and that is definitely speaking form experience.

Any other advice you can give me?
Are you happy you've done it?
Anything you would have done differently?

I'm doing this.

I've chosen to use a known donor, met over the internet, which gets a few raised eyebrows.

My reasons for choosing to go it alone from the start are pretty similar to yours sound. I always wanted 'children' not just one. And although I'm fairly young and could wait I don't want to have DD grow up as an only child and then have to start over again. I was SO broody when she was 2, but put off thinking about it because I always wanted something like a 3 year gap - I didn't want to do this because it fitted in with some life plan, I wanted to know I really wanted it and it was the right time. Also a BAD relationship with DD's dad that has made me feel like I'm doing this alone the majority of the time anyway, and knowing that a child would be no worse off with 'no' dad than with an a dad who feels it is acceptable to be abusive towards their own child's primary carer.

This time last year I'd been researching it more. DD turned 4 so I figured that 2 years of wanting another baby and thinking on it was enough to know I was sure of my own mind. I'm at a point in life when work is set up to cater for having young children and I need to decide if I want to increase my work life or stay set up for little ones. I have a close supportive family and circle of friends with young children. DD would love siblings and talks about it lots and lots. I'm young enough to wait (mid 20s) but like I said, I don't want to leave it and have to start over with babies when DD is older and we've missed out on all this support and the children being able to grow up together.

A key part of my decision was when I realised I wasn't looking at potential dates as how they made me feel, but would they be likely to want to settle down and have children in the near future. And then I met a guy I really liked who was very definite that he NEVER wanted children of his own (but would have been happily involved in DD's life as a friendly uncle type figure). And I realised that I wouldn't be happy intentionally settling for one child ever. But would have got invovled with him if I already had more than one child.

I looked at clinics but I didn't want to start off the pregnancy in a medicalised way. An internet friend gave me links to email lists that help people find donors. I discarded anyone I didn't like the sound of right away and had email conversations with a men who sounded genuine. I looked for someone with a family of their own and who had donated successfully before. I felt that being a single mother made me more vunerable if someone decided to change their mind and look for access so it was important to me that whoever I used had a history of not doing that! But there's a certain level of trust involved on both sides because I could turn around and seek child support.

We talked about the child knowing the donor; they'll know from the start that a kind man helped me to have a baby who was very much wanted and loved. And if the child wants to meet and talk to find out more about him and their family history he would be happy with that with my agreement (I liked there not being a set age to find out unlike a clinic

He provided a file of letters from a clinic showing a history of regular STI tests coming up clear and I paid for the next test which came back clear before we tried anything and was added to the file. Not 100% safety guaranty, but a level of risk I was comfortable with.

I charted and he donated. All DIY. It worked first time but sadly I had an early miscarriage (just one of those things, not for any awful reason related to how it was done). I didn't want to get all caught up with charting and stressed out about it so I took a break and am just about to try again.

(name changed because so much of that is pretty personal)

I think its ok to have a child without a father as long as youre financially secure and not claiming for child benefits (are you even entitled to these from getting pregnant from a sperm donor?!) Its certainly a more sensible way to go rather than just sleeping with an unsuspecting guy and then claiming child benefits from him!

WeesaD - glad to help.

It's been more tiring than I could have imagined becoming a mum, but I think that's a shock that hits everyone first time round. But I don't regret it - DS is literally the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Unlike NotReally, I went for full-on IVF straight off, but largely because of my age (41 at the time). I think it was probably a good choice for me. The gynaecologist recommended it to increase the chances over IUI - I think he was right. They recovered 15 eggs, 13 of which fertilised, 3 made it to the embryo stage at 3 days and only 1 reached the blastocyst stage at 5 days and could be implanted. But you're a lot younger than me so have the chance to do things in a much less medicalised way (though I actually felt fine on the fertility drugs, possibly 'cos I was able to go to a clinic that used the short protocol where they work with your own cycle, rather than the long protocol where they induce a temporary menopause then give you loads of drugs - that sounds really ghastly).

It was a bit lonely being pregnant on my own - I used to wish I had someone to talk to about it. But my birthing partners and one of my really good male friends came to the various scans (strangely enough, all people I'd made friends with playing football of all things!). And another of my friends was really thoughtful and took some really nice photos of me with bump, saying "this is the sort of thing a partner would normally do, so I'll do it 'cos I'm sure you'll like to look at the pictures in future".

But good luck - I hope it all works out. If you do go for it, I recommend avoiding all newspaper articles saying how dreadful women who do that sort of thing are (one of my birthing partners read one the other week - she was really cross on my behalf - I didn't even bother).

And remember if someone says you're selfish - no-one ever deliberately has a child for anything other than selfish reasons, well, not voluntarily anyway (pressured into it by partner, or because the family want the heir and spare, are really rubbish reasons).

WeesaD - the donor conception network have a thriving single womens subgroup and if you contact them you can arrange to meet some people who are or have pursued the same route and talk about your concerns with them.

As for you being a Journo get a grip girls it really isn't either a) the difficult to research (they just contact DCN and ask to speak to someone) or b) particularly newsworthy.

But back to the real world... lots of issues think about (some of them raised here) and a great deal of planning to do but its not the most ridiculous way to have another child.

I suppose one of my major concerns is theeffect on my DD of almost 5. She is used to having me to herself, and is starting to get to tehe age where we can go and do things together - out for supper, movies, days out together, and by having another child I am somewhat resetting the clock on that - it will be many years before 2nd child can do that and the baby stage will put teh brakes on that. I don;t know how fair/unfair that is on her, as the age gap would be 6-7 years practically....

I'm another single mother by choice and whilst I'm not exactly having the best day today (FAR too much housework, paperwork and 'supporting' 8 yr old twin sons to do their homework and music practice...plus think I'm peri-menopausal...quiet scream, deep breath.......BUT...

It's definitely the BEST thing I ever did. There is now loads of research indicating choice mums provide excellent parenting because we put so much thought into having children.

There's been recent discussion on the Choice Moms website forum about having a DC child after another child with a father in their background. Yes, it's an issue but it's by no means insurmountable.

From what I know, it's all about your OWN starting point. If you decide to go ahead and you do conceive and then you say to your daughter something like, "How would you like your very own baby sister/ brother...." and set a v positive tone and involve her all along the way - exactly as you might if you have a second sib. in a partnership with the first child - then chances are, she'll be v excited and love it.

With DC child, the thing is, as others have said, NEVER let there be a time when they don't know all about their origins and can know and 'feel' just how much you wanted them and love them and went out of your way to have them. That kind of starting point is most likely to lead to their ultimate sense of security and love.

Re. the difference between DC child and daughter with dad, you just have to be clear to Dc child and honest and as some have said on the Choice forum recently, maybe try to find a 'special' adult for them alone, that they have special time with too, so it becomes a matter of, "This Sunday, daughter is spending with dad and DC2 is spending with aunty/ uncle x" kind of thing.

The two things I think are really important if you decide proactively to singleparent - at least for me - are: 1) have plenty of financial resources, as all studies indicate that this helps in all kinds of ways (I worked a day job employed and an evening and w/e job self-employed for 6 yrs pre-having my twins to gather resources).

2. • and this is the one that didn't work for me and I wish it had/ did - have a good social support system in place, so your child and you are part of a positive network, including family and friends who can help out practically and emotionally.

Unfortunately, my parent have both died in the last 5 yrs, my sibs are barely in contact with us and my 2 closest friends (a lesbian couple) withdrew from my life as they felt they couldn't support me choosing to have children without a father for them.

However, some of the most 'conservative, traditional people really supported me, although I do feel the lack of a network of friends/ family and am v much doing this parenting entirely alone (hence yet another challenging w/e!).

I chose an Identity Release Donor from the USA (and shipped on ice!) because then I had loads and loads of info. about him, almost more than about past boyfriends!! Donor offspring can get his name, social security no. and last known address at age 18 and in principle, get to meet him. For me, this was important because then they wouldn't have to imagine a mythical unknown figure for the rest of their lives. We're also in contact with lots of the other families in the USA who used the same donor.

I did it through a UK clinic because I also wanted as much certainty as possible that everything would be medically checked and healthy.

Finally, better to proacticely desire another child, reflect deeply on this and the implications for you, your daughter and the child to be - than 'accidentally conceive in or out of a relationship - NOT that 'accidental conceptions' aren't also very very happy events for many many people of course. I just mean that the very fact that you're thinking about it all v deeply, shows you're not going into it lightly.

So far, other than the couple of friends mentioned above, NO ONE has dissed me for my choice and my sons don't - yet anyway- seem to have an issue about having a donor father. they are MUCH more concerned that they can't have a quad bike, their own horse and bird of prey and are forecd to do homework by 'horrible Mummy' when they just want to veg, in front of their PCs!

Just for info - the donor-consent US route has now been closed off (I did it just before the change in the law) - apparently our parliamentary nannies decided that men being paid for sperm was akin to child trafficking or some such! If you can find a clinic abroad that does it, it's a good route, though. I share Solo2's opinion of the benefits, and would add that since men in the US have the choice to sign up donor-consent or anonymously, you know you're getting a man who's thought this through and is comfortable with being contacted in future years (ok, they get paid more, but not that much more).

I should add that I don't think having a second child by DI brings any more complications than adopting a second child. Both need to be thought through very carefully.

Hi, Just to let you know I have tried this. I had 5 goes at insemination via a sperm donor through a clinic as a singleton. If youve thought it through, and yuo know what youre letting yourself in for then good luck and go for it! The process isnt as scarey or difficult as i thought it might be, although i am going back 6 years now and things may have changed. I just got reffered to a specialist through my gp (obviously had to pay to see specialist and for everything after that).
For me it didnt end in pregnancy, but if you are seriously considering it then go find out some more info!
Good Luck!

My story is similar to others and Solo pute things so well so shall be brief.

I have a now 23 year old and have always wanted another dc but after several pg losses we (mostly DH) decided we couldn't go through anymore losses so stopped TTC. I was diagnosed with PCOS when DS was about 6 so was told that I wouldn't conceive without help anyway. DH died 10 years ago and after a couple of years I had an unexpected m/c. I had known there had been a change with the PCOS (periods had returned) so I seriously rethought just what I wanted and the urge for another child was still there.

I was 36 and not wanting to get into another relationship so started to look into donor conception. Fortunetly I had several offers from male friends to be the donor

I have a happy well adjusted 4 year old who adores his big brother. I know only two well that life can turn out just how you didnt plan or imagine it too, so going down the accepted route of two 'togther' parents doesnt mean that will always be the case

I'm very against the anonymous donor route. I have a friend who cannot find out who is father is and it is a deep source of sorrow and frustration for him.

Interesting article here
www.parentcentral.ca/parent/babiespregnancy/pregnancy/article/729108--the-search-for-a-sperm-donor-f ather

I think I'd spend a lot of time on web support sites for children of sperm donors researching it from the side of the children rather than from the side of the parents.

I can easily believe that young children are happy and nurtured but what percentage of your life is spent as a protected child compared to a questioning adult? 1:5 ratio?