ExP asking too much?

[northlondonmumma]

I have posted before and had some very helpful replies so i am trying again

I am a single mum with 2 young dc, happily single now most of the time as my exp was pretty abusive towards me.

my exp sees the children weekly on sats and sometimes another day (not overnight stays). This has been fraught with difficulties however - he is still pretty nasty and bitter to me on and off

I must be soft because despite his bad behaviour towards me, I feel sorry for him. He had a crappy childhood and so think this is why the way he is (not sorry enough I hasten to add to ever get back with him for my sake and the children's sake).

He has now asked me to write a letter for him so that he can get a council flat. He had one before I met him which he gave up and wants to get one again as he cant get a job. The problem is he wants me to say he looks after the kids when i am at work. This is not the case and I dont really want to take them out of their lovely nurseries so they can sit at home with dad all day in front of the telly.

As I expressed some difficulties about dong this, I am a teacher and this could compromise my job if its found out I am fudging the truth, he has got very depressed and said he will be homeless in the snow and will have to sleep in his car. I asked him whey he cant stay with his sisters or mum, but he said he couldnt and he might leave the country as there is nothing left for him here.

Can anyone offer any solutions? I dont want him to be unhappy/homeless or my kids dad to disappear on them but same time i cannot compromise my job as i am the only one who supports the kids.

This is one of those situations where for those who are actually facing it seems complex whereas, from the outside, the answer is very easy. Don't risk your job by lying for him.

Crap childhood or not, he's an adult now and he's responsible for himself. He will only be homeless and sleeping in his car if he chooses to. Similarly, he is choosing not to stay with his family. If he decides to leave the country then, again, that would be his choice. He will make his choices for his own reasons and he will bear the responsibility for those choices.

Believe me, I know the feelings caused by an ex trying to guilt-trip you into doing something you don't want to do. The thing about him possibly leaving the country because "there's nothing left for him here" is a cold and callous attempt at emotional blackmail with you as the target. Of course there are loads of things left here for him, not least his family and children.

Please, just tell him "I've given it a lot of thought and I've decided not to". You don't have to justify your reasons to him. You don't have to discuss this with him any more. The only things you have to discuss with him are the children and any remaining financial issues. His choices regarding accomodation are his problem.

SNorbs is absolutely right. This man is an adult who has chosen to behave abusively to you to the point that you don't want to live with him any more - and well done you for getting out. HE is responsible for his problems, HE caused the situation he is in, and it's not your responsibility to sacrifice your own and your DC's wellbeing to look after him - especially when he has family members who will house him.
Tell him you're not going to do it and put the phone down.
Best of luck.

Don't do it. Absolutely no other answer.

Agree with the others. Don't do it. All he's trying to do is emotionally blackmail you.

He could stay with his family. The council also have a duty to find him somewhere to stay albeit it is unlikely to be a flat.

So if he ends up in his car, its by choice.

Don't lie for him and put your own job at risk.

A couple more reasons not to do it:

He could by intending to use the fact that you lied to cause you problems. If you're moving on with your life but he's not, plus he has a past history of controlling and abusive behaviour, this is quite a real possibility. In that situation he'd probably claim it was accidental that he let slip, but no one forced you to lie so it's not his problem...

Secondly, the council or housing association are not obliged to take into account whether or not he looks after his children in the day. It will have no bearing whatsoever on whether or not they award him a flat. If the children do not live him it is not relevant. Even overnight stays do not count - ask the countless NRPs who live in one-bed social accommodation and can't claim larger houses for their DC stayig regularly overnight.

This man is trying to manipulate you, plain and simple. If you want to play him at his own game without being confrontational, just say that you decided to ring up the housing association to find out the criteria for housing to see if there was any way you could help without compromising your job and they told you that looking after the children during the day didn't count.

HTH. Don't let this man bully you.

"This is one of those situations where for those who are actually facing it seems complex whereas, from the outside, the answer is very easy"

How right you are Snorbs - what an amazingly obvious but insightful point to make....so often we can see others situations objectively but not our own.

Thank you all for your positive and supportive comments.

I wonder why I cant see that he is manipulating or bullying me....am i just naive? maybe he is not (at least not at a conscious level? or is it normal not to see it in this type of case?

Gosh if people learn by their mistakes, I am hoping going learn a hell of a lot out of this relatioship and its breakdown

OptimistS I take your point.....if another man came into the scene at some stage, it could be used against me...

Thanks niceguy, Oliviamama and Solidgold for chiming in too - much appreciated.

I love this board - its much better than counselling cos people give you their views, not just hmmmm well how do you feel about this?

"Even overnight stays do not count - ask the countless NRPs who live in one-bed social accommodation and can't claim larger houses for their DC stayig regularly overnight."

Actually this depends greatly and varies on what the local council's and HA's policy is. Our local council will count a NRP's children towrds the amount of bodies used to calculate how many bedrooms someone is offered if they stay with them at least 2 nights a week.

I think it would help you to read this book , which states in no uncertain terms that abusers know exactly what they are doing and what result they hope to get from their behaviour, and that a shit childhood is no excuse. It's been a real eye opener for me.

Sorry to hijack, but thanks Hando. I didn't know that. I thought my LA/HA was representative of them all. Interesting that it isn't (and that we recently figured as one of the more poorly performing councils...)

Hijack over.