Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

Step Parents / Dead parents,

15 replies

Hando · 04/01/2010 04:12

My dd's (5) father died really suddenly last year. She's a really grown up little girl and has been dealing with it fantastically since then.

We were not together but she saw him at least everyother day and stayed at his twice a week, we really did share caring for her in all ways. She was really close to him.

I have a new partner who she adores and we have been together for 2 years. She said to me the other night

"mummy, if you and xx get married - will he be my daddy?"

and I said

"well, you already have a daddy dd"

and she replied with

"yeah but he's dead, and mummy... I really do need a daddy."

I asked her if she wanted him to be her daddy and she shrugged, I asked if she wanted to call him daddy and she shrugged again. I left it at that for now, but think it will come up again.

My partner thought it was lovely of her to say, but now I'm worried that things have affected her more than she makes out.

Has anyone else been in this situation? Has your dd or ds gone on to call somebody else daddy/mummy after a parent has died or left permanantly? I think I feel a little uncomfortable with it at the moment, but I'm willing to get over that if it's the best thing for dd. Not sure how my dp would feel about it either, he loves her to bits but I think he'd feel a little odd at first too.

OP posts:
WillyEckerslike · 04/01/2010 06:52

IME young children are much more matter-of-fact about death than adults are and better able to accept it. My experience is slightly different to yours - it was my dad who died, not my dd's. DD was 6 at the time. She was upset if she saw me upset, but not upset for her own loss. She is a few years older now and I'm sure her reaction would be different.

nooka · 04/01/2010 07:10

My cousin's mother died when she was about two, and her dad remarried. My cousin always called my aunt Mum, and they have a very close relationship. Her mother is also talked about a lot, and my cousin in effect had three families to be a part of (her mum's family, her mother's family and her father's family). I always felt quite jealous! Not that losing her mother didn't affect her, as of course it did.

It may be more that your dd is of an age where she feels families just should have a mum and a dad, because that's how families in general are presented. Or it could be something more, either to do with her dad dying or you marrying again. I expect there are books that might help or perhaps you could look at something like Winston's Wish or the Childhood Bereavement Network?

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 04/01/2010 07:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

thesecondcoming · 04/01/2010 08:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

elfiedee · 04/01/2010 08:14

Before this thread takes off can I just ask a question from the posters whose children have 'absent' parents they dont see,please trust that im not being tactless or playing devils advocate and I dont wish to provoke any bad feeling (ive had a bad time elsewhere on mn for asking this in another direction).

Deep breath here goes,how would you feel if your child decided to contact the absent parent?

elfiedee · 04/01/2010 08:17

Hando its hard at 5 to get to the 'root' of what a child is saying-you dont want to 'put words into their mouths' but you also need to guide them to vocalise their feelings,do you think it would be acceptable if she asked again to perhaps suggest that if she wants to call him Daddy that would be very nice but so we never forget your 'real' daddy we call him Daddy Steven or whatever your new partners name is?

If you did that it might help her realise that it is ok and her 'real' daddy still has 'his' name too.

piscesmoon · 04/01/2010 08:23

My DH1 died when DS was a baby. He desperately wanted a 'daddy'.Because we knew DH2 for a long time before we married he knew him by his name and so it stuck. He referred to him as 'my dad' to friends. I wouldn't have minded if he had used 'dad' and I think that if he had been younger it would have happened naturally.There is no confusion-he knows he has 2 dads.I would just see what evolves naturally.

In reply to elfiedee-you also leave it to your DC and you leave your feeling out of it, or at least keep them secret.

elfiedee · 04/01/2010 08:32

Thanks Pisces - this mum isnt even being told though

piscesmoon · 04/01/2010 08:45

I'd have to know more about it elfiedee, in order to comment, but a DC has a right to their heritage and half their makeup comes from the missing parent.I would assume (without details)that if the DC is old enough to contact the missing parent without the help of the resident parent then you have to let them do it.

elfiedee · 04/01/2010 08:51

Pisces I well got flamed elsewhere with this .

thesecondcoming · 04/01/2010 08:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kdk · 04/01/2010 17:00

Probably doesn't answer your question elfiedee and don't want to hijack OP's post but my DTs have not seen their father since he was deported just over two years ago. They are five and we split up when they were six months old. They used to see him sporadically when he was still in the UK (he was supposed to see them once a week but rarely made it).

He now phones once in a blue moon and occasionally says he is coming to see them but they rarely if ever ask to phone/see him. If and when the situation changes I will have to confront it - after all, although I think he's a worthless piece of sh*t, he is their father and they have the right to see him/have a relationship with him if they so wish.

It is probably significant that when we split, he took all our wedding photos, DVD, pictures of us together so the children don't really have any pictures of him/his family though I have asked him to send photos.

I suppose that I may have to at some point take them to see him although would be with trepidation as there is remote chance he would abduct them - else just have to hope he makes the effort to get a visa and comes here. Not sure if any of this really helps with your query though?

Pineapplechunks · 04/01/2010 17:21

Hando our situation is very similar to yours: my DD is now 7 and her Dad died quite suddenly in late 2008, she was 6 at the time. He lived 300 miles away from us so they didn't see each other every weekend but she would go and stay in the holidays and they would chat on the phone etc, they had a good (long distance) relationship. She, like your little girl, is dealing with it very well, surprisingly well.

I have a DP, we will have been together for 3 years next month. I know DD thinks of him as playing the Dad role in her life now, she has said as much, but she calls him by his name not Dad. If she wanted to change we would be happy for her to do so but I think she is still 'loyal' to her real Dad and wouldn't want to. That may change if DP and I get married and when we have more DCs who will call him Dad, we'll just have to wait and see how she feels and make sure she knows that its OK for her to call him what she likes. As long as it isn't Poohead.

lindsaygii · 04/01/2010 18:29

elfiedee I think Hando is asking an important question, and you shouldn't hijack her thread. If you want to ask your own question - start a thread.

Hando I'm sorry, I have no experience of this, I just thought it was a shame your question was getting derailed.

piscesmoon · 04/01/2010 22:24

I wouldn't worry Hando-I would just leave it to DD and see how it evolves.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page