just seperating

[anon1968]

Hi
My Husband is leaving in the near future when he finds somewhere to live, we have one daughter to whom i am very close. Its all his decision, he says he has no feelings for me anymore and wants to be on his own.... i am completely at a loss over this, i am staying in the house, he is being very fair with everything like that, not taking anything, however my problem is how do i deal with my emotions in front of my daughter when he has gone, she is 11, is it ok to tell her i miss him, also i have i have no idea what to be like when she comes home from her visits to him, don't want to question her but don't want to feel as though i am not interested in her weekend, any advice for a confused mum would be appreciated

Sorry to hear you are going through such a difficult time.

I would just act how feels natural to you. She will also be missing him. At 11 she'll have real feelings of her own,perhaps crying together sometimes might bring you together.

Emotions are real things & its part of growing up to also recognise them in others to learn empathy.

Can you imagine what it would do to her if she thought when someone left it caused no heartache.

I'd politely ask about her weekend & try not to feel bad if she's had a great time, its not against you.

Something else to think of for the future is if either of you starts seeing someone else, how to help her feelings then. Or if you got back together again.

I think you are not alone in these dilemmas these days.

Remember you are not alone, we are here with you.

I'd agree about being natural.

And I'd also try to keep whatever you say fairly light.

So, for example, ask if she had a good time, but don't go on about it or be nosy (I struggle with this one!).

If you're sad sometimes, it's ok to be a bit sad, but again, I'd try not to be too sad in front of her and just to try to have some good times together.

There are lots of people on MN who are dealing with similar things to you so come and talk about it whenever you like

hi

thank you both, it all sounds like common sense, and good parenting but i know i am going to struggle with the "nosy" bit, you say you struggle with that, any tips on how to deal with it? I am naturally nosy anyway and always feel more in control if i know everything, and then sometimes regret it after when it hurts, i am so scared i not going to be able to stop myself and alienate her.

As for the being natural, nothing feels natural at the mo i know that i am probably worrying too much and things will just happen, I know that once it happens we can get into a routine, just so scared of doing it wrong as she is a very emotional/caring little girl and i worry that because she is an only child how she will deal with it.

Well ... on the nosy front, I have just decided that I'm never going to use the DC's as a way to pass information, so I don't push them for info. I tried to agree this as a principle with XP before he left also as I just think it's not a good thing to do and tbh if they told me something I didn't like then I would probably react badly and they would see that - so not a good idea. So ... I guess that on this one, it's maybe just best to get it into your head that you'll keep your DS out of it and that if you do want to know what he's doing, you'll find out another way.

I too would prefer my XH to be open about what he's doing, not really because I'm nosy but just because I can't bear silly lies and secrecy and I don't feel he should be keeping secrets from the kids. I've talked to him about that too but he's not interested tbh and continues to try to behave like the international man of mystery. Sad and a bit pathetic really, but I've given up thinking about it too much.

The important thing for me is that we both maintain a good relationship with the DCs so I'm working on that one. XP is ok on the relationship bit, but a bit on taking any responsibility (thought that was part of being a parent?). I should watch for that when your XP leaves, the main surprise for me has been the speed with which XP has stopped being a father and become someone that sees them for just a couple of hours a week.