How do you cope with XP parenting very differently to you?

[BertieBotts]

Hello, I am new to this section, split from XP at the start of December, and I am much happier now We have a DS who is 14 months old and he is seeing him every few days (I am not ready for him to stay overnight yet) - in fact I think he's probably seeing more of him now than he did when we were together.

Anyway, DS seems happy to go to his dad and although he has been a little bit unsettled by the move etc, it's nothing I wasn't expecting. I am just worrying a lot that XP isn't looking after him as well as I would - which I know I have to let go of mainly as he will do things differently, but I'm worried that sometimes he might go too far. One of the reasons we split up was because I was unhappy with the way he acted towards DS, which he put down to stress, and I think that he will be less stressed now too, but looking after a toddler is stressful in itself, and very frustrating! He is not malicious, he just expects him to act about 3 years old when he is only 1. I think he just has very little understanding of small children, but he has been rough with him in the past including smacking his hand which I felt was way inappropriate for his age. All his family are very pro-smacking and I am worried that he is likely to use it in the future whereas I don't want to.

Another example of the difference between us - I did a handover today in town and XP folded the pushchair while I put DS into his car seat, and it was wobbly and did not feel secure. I mentioned this to XP and he said it was probably the seatbelt being a bit loose, so I tightened the seatbelt and it felt better but I was not convinced it had been installed correctly and could not check as I did not have the instructions. I never felt that safe when he was driving anyway so I feel I should not have just let it go but I didn't want to start any arguments, and I knew he was only driving a short distance today as he was seeing his mum.

I don't want to overreact and be paranoid, but at the same time I am very aware that DS is too young to tell me if anything is wrong and although I want him to be able to see his Dad I only want him to go if he will be safe.

I have asked my Mum for advice as she is divorced from my Dad (although my sister and I were 3 and 6, so older) and her advice was not very helpful, she just said there was not a lot I could do and that when my sister and I were young my Dad took us to all sorts of places, around people smoking weed etc. I would hope that if this kind of thing was happening with DS I would have some kind of power to stop it, and am wondering whether he would have been safer if I had stayed with XP since at least then I could have intervened if I saw him doing something harmful.

it is sooo hard to accept that things will be done differently to how you do them.

my story is a bit different as it is ds's grandparents who i was/am concerned about.

i know they smoke in the house, i know they smacked their children, i know they swear freely infront of the children, i know the grandad is a really fast driver and really quite agressive in the way he adresses people in general.

it was extremely hard for me to hand my son over to them for contact and still is now although i know they dont smoke in the house anymore.

one of the things that makes is easier for me is that because we went through court, i was able to get an agreement in writing that there would be no smoking while ds was there and that only the grandmother would drive him.

we cant police other people's lives and it's up to your OH how he parents but you could try having a conversation with him. tell him your concerns and see how he feels about changing the way he drives, getting the carseat installed correctly. make it a very amicable conversation. let him know its all for your ds and that you want your OH to do the same if he has any concerns.

i dont know how reasonable your EXH is but try opening the channels for communication now before there is a lot of water under the bridge.

You have my sympathy, its very hard not to worry, especially when your child is so young. Booyule is right though, you need to be able to talk about these things and will need to communicate about things you disagree over. So start now. I wouldn't be happy with the smacking thing either. You will have to tell him firmly that you don't agree with it. Don't feel you have to allow overnight visits until you are happy that he can cope.