37 weeks pg, and father has just announced he wants to be on the birth certificate.

[maledetta]

The baby's father and I are not together, but recently have been spending more time together, and he has made it clear that he does genuinely want to be involved with his child. Yesterday he said he wants to come to the registry office with us when the baby is born, and have his name on the birth certificate.

As he is being quite helpful and decent at the moment, I think I owe it to him if that's what he wants...It's just that I have a huge distrust of authority, and am worried that, if there is a named father, the CSA will find a way to shaft us both.

His income is v. erratic; he's in a lot of debt, and TBH I didn't expect to receive any financial help at all, just hoping for some practical help and maybe some childcare. Now he's offering me some kind of official monthly minimum via standing order (basically the maximum allowed before they start stopping it out of my benefits).

I am worried, however, that as his income fluctuates, or if he falls off the mythical bit of scaffolding, the CSA might try to hold him to a commitment he can't honour, and my benefits could be docked or something.

Do you think my concerns are justified? Also, what rights would he have as "officially" being the father?

Sorry, got that wrong - apologies. They leave it blank actually rather than put a line through (well mine is blank)

There's a line through my DS's but the certificate is typewritten so it's a typed through.

I knew my ex-h and he still turned out to be a useless fecker, no maintenance, no support of any kind and his name's on both DDs' birth certificates.

In an ideal world we'd all be lovely people and perfect parents and never conceive a child without absolute certified, guaranteed PROOF that neither person was going to let the other person, or the children, down. But it's not and things happen, whether the relationship is five minutes old or five years, and we have to make the best of it. Don't need anyone else to tell me that I fucked up. I live it every day.

Also OP never said that she hadn't known the father very long. She only said that he dumped her after she fell pregnant and now she wants to have time to build up trust again. Perfectly understandable in my opinion.

You have to make decisions that you can live with and without knowing whether they'll turn out to be the right ones. I don't suppose there's much the OP can protest about if the father wants to be involved and he's got good intentions. If he has got the best intentions then it's fantastic that he'll be involved. He should pay whatever he can afford but if there's problems in the future and payments cease then I would advise telling DWP straight away (if still on benefits) as they only backdate payments from when you inform them and not from when maintenance stops.

But at what point do you decide a child's father (let's take the mother out of this for the timebeing - because IMO the BC is about the child) has earned his stripes so to speak? Do you give him a year? Two years? At what point do you deem it's acceptable?

And I'm sorry you've had shit experiences but that can't be the foundation for whether to put a dad's name on a BC. We really cannot afford to live in a place where all women are Camila Batmanghelidjh and all men are Fred West by default unless proved otherwise. What a dreadful (and sexist) view of the world.

You can add the name on later. If he is a good bloke who's going to be a good father, he's not going to start stamping his little feet and waving his knob around over the certificate: it's not that relevant to the reality of looking after a child and building a relationship with him/her.
My DS' dad isn't named on his birth certificate. We do intend to change that at some point but haven't got round to it yet - when DS was born, for various reasons, his dad and I were not on good terms, however he has now thoroughly proved himself as a terrific father.

Where has she said he has already let her down? She hasn't. She's said they're not together but they're spending more time together and he's now asked to be on the BC.

Have you actually read the OP 2ndcoming or just projecting your own situation onto it? Because it seems a lot like the latter from your posts.

secondcoming - he apparently left when she became pregnant - hardly ideal behaviour but common enough and to some degree understandable if not excuseable. The only alarm bells I saw ringing in the op were financial ones and ones involving 'will I be able to do what the hell I like with MY child?'

All this talk of fathers having to 'prove' themselves. It really is depressing bollocks! The only reason I can see that men have to prove themselves is because they've had a child with suspicious and overly controlling women!

I'm a single parent too 2ndcoming so believe me I don't come from a position of smug 2.4. But I do believe in giving men the opportunity to redeem themselves over the course of a pregnancy. And that the child's needs are paramount, not the mother's.

Had he of come around to the idea before 37 weeks, then maybe they would have had some time to work through this. But her caution is understandable.

But they've been spending more time together - since when, who knows? Maybe he was waiting for an opportune moment. Maybe he (and actually I would if I were a bloke) assumed his name would be on teh BC, given that he is actually, like, the child's father and was merely a bit gobsmacked that it was a subject for discussion.

maybe, maybe, maybe. Who knows? We#re all speculating and judging.

All I know is that DP legged it, came back when DC1 was born and 8 years on I should be getting on with the wedding guest list not posting here!

My DS' dad legged it when I was PG as well - our situation was that we were not a couple anyway, just drinking mates, the PG completely unexpected and unplanned. And, like the OP's babyfather, DS dad reappeared when I was around 36 weeks announcing that he wanted to be involved. I kept him at arms' length at first but things have worked out very well for us (we are most definitely not a couple but have a good co-parent relationship).
Maledetta: was it a case of you and he were not really compatible anyway, or did he run off because you fell PG and he didn't then want to be a father?

Instead of worrying about her benefits (i.e. taxpayer supporting her and her child) why isn't OP discussing with the baby's father how they can arrange childcare so they can both work, look after the baby and support themselves financially?

Two healthy adults should be able to provide for one child.

I don't understand how keeping his name off the cert 'protects' the child? He's entitled to PR and the court would grant him it - and that gives the child rights, not the father. I'm not even sure you are allowed to keep the name off the cert any more - wasn't there a change in the law recently? If you refuse to name the father he can just ring the registrar and have his name added anyway.

Seems a shame to undo the great progress you've made in creating a relationship with the father.