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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Re contact with XP's girlfriend

15 replies

used2bthin · 25/12/2009 16:54

My XP is in a very unstable relationship and I have stayed out of it (after asking advice on here) but last week they had an argument that ended with 999 being called. I don't want to go into detail on here but I have reasons to believe that the relationship has been at times violent and that she is extremely manipulative.

Iam really worried about Dd being exposed to such an unstable relationship especially as some of the stuff the GF has said shows she is jealous about DD and apparently she has "chemical and hormone imbalances". XP appears to be very scared of her but determined to get back together after thier last break up last wek, five days after moving in together.

What would you do? Am I right to be worried and should I /can I do anything?

OP posts:

jabberwocky · 25/12/2009 17:05

Not sure whta I would do but would be worried also

Original poster

used2bthin · 25/12/2009 17:12

Thanks am really stressed about it. He assures me that they have never argued in front of DD and she (the gf) has always seemed nice enough, if a bit insecure but then the stuff I have heard makes me really worried because if her behaviour is linked to chemical or hormone imbalances and she can't help herself then how can he knw that she wouldnt get angry around DD. Can't bear the thought of DD having any more issues to deal with she's had a tough time already for other (mainly medical) reasons.

OP posts:

Original poster

used2bthin · 26/12/2009 21:08

bump in case more people are around this eve, sorry I know its not the most cheery subject. Am hoping the single arent advice line will be open tues but any advice now also very much appreciated.

OP posts:

KaPe · 28/12/2009 18:27

My brother has a "son" by his ex ... actually the boy isn't really his, but he is the only father the boy knows. They split about a year ago, and my brother has had a new GF (who lives with him) for about 9 months.

GF was great at first, but now she is going bonkers ... severely depressed, suicidal, constantly crying, screaming etc. The whole family is affected by her behaviour.

My brother's ex has now stopped overnight contact for exactly this reason .. and all of us, including my brother, agree with her decision. He can still have the boy overnight when his GF is visiting her parents.

Have you tried talking to your ex about this? How much her condition affects your child? Children are not stupid, they feel tension, sadness, depression, etc.

Original poster

used2bthin · 28/12/2009 21:07

Hi Kape, thats good that your brother agrees. My xp says he understands my concerns but just keeps saying Ihave to trust him that he has DDs best interests at heart. The thing is I am struggling with this because he seems to be completely manipulated by her. I've asked him to talk to me about it and he was even worrying about that because she is off work and he is worried she'll get upset as she gets jealous! I don't think he is really taking my concerns seriously and he is very anxious not to let her find out that we've discussed it at all.

OP posts:

SolidGoldpiginablanket · 29/12/2009 17:33

You are not unreasonable for being concerned. Are there any other people who are aware of the GF's problems and who might be prepared to say so ie if you want to stop overnight contact while the situation is so volatile, if you can provide more proof than just your say-so it will help.

FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 29/12/2009 17:35

"chemical inbalance" is depression. Has she been diagnosed?

Could you suggest to your ex that he sees the child on neutral ground away from the girlfriend?

Original poster

used2bthin · 29/12/2009 19:52

Thanks for your replies. Solidgold I think his mum may know some of it but she hadn't told me about some stuff that he only told me after they broke up so I am not sure she would help out. I rang parentline today who just sort of talked it over with me but suggested find out what I am entitled to say regarding contact by ringing the children's legal centre. We have done quite well at keeping things relatively amicable so I am really worried this will ruin it but don't feel I can let it go on if DD is in a bad situation.

He was worried about her finding out he had told me any of this by the way, so much so that he is unsure of how to get to talk to me without her finding out as she is sensitive about him talking to me, even if he told her it was about other stuff with DD. So that hasnt reassured me much.

Fabisgoingtobefab he hasn't said more than that but did say that when I hear the full story I would understand I can't imagine what could possibly excuse her behaviour tbh.

OP posts:

Original poster

used2bthin · 29/12/2009 19:55

Oh and yes I want him to have DD at his mum's as he has been doing but I bet he is very against that as he has rented an extra room for DD when she stays at the new place. This time last week though it was all over. What a mess.

OP posts:

longagegap · 29/12/2009 20:17

Dont be listen to everything he tells you though about what goes on . If things are as bad as he is saying then he wouldnt be telling you it knowing that you will bring it up . Men like to keep each side sweet ( i've been there ) and it doesnt matter as he would say he never told you things . Keep a date of things that happen , and if it ever did go to court you could bring up the dates if police have been called it would show there was problems . My ex is in same thing but he walked away from the child , so i can understand how it is

SolidGoldpiginablanket · 29/12/2009 20:47

Actually, I suggest you put your foot down and say he's not going to be getting any unsupervised contact with your DD if the nutty GF is present. Yes it's unfortunate for her that she has mental health issues, and it's not her fault, etc, but it's not your problem and your DD's safety (and right not to be frightened by her dad's GF flipping out in front of her) are more important than this woman.

Original poster

used2bthin · 29/12/2009 20:59

longagegap I am very worried that he will put this relationship first although obviously I very much hope he doesn't. Keeping a record is a good idea though. I'm half expecting (hoping) it all to blow up again and them to break up.

solidgold that is exactly what I said but its as if he thinks I will forget. I am really bad at confrontation so very nervous about it all but will definately put my foot down and say I don't want DD staying at their place, he can have her at mine or his mums. He is going to say now that he exaggerated her issues and hat she as some tragedy that makes her feel like that blah blah. She has always seemed nice enough if a bit needy so its so hard to know whatto believe but I have to go with what he said at the time when he thought it was over, and that was that she is unstable and manipulative not to mention violent.

Oh and good way of utting it about it not being my problem, I will memorise that as it explains my position exactly.

OP posts:

SolidGoldpiginablanket · 29/12/2009 21:24

Yup. Not your problem and, even more importantly, it's not DD's problem and she shouldn't have to be exposed to it.

Original poster

used2bthin · 29/12/2009 21:27

Yes so true. He swears that DD has never seen them argu, never would etc etc but I am worried he won't tell me now if they do. Ad given that she must've co mpletely lost her temper to get violent with him, how can I know that she wouldn't with my DD there ho can he be so sure? Its like he is under a spell!

OP posts:

longagegap · 01/01/2010 18:39

He is a man and maybe likes being treated like this , if suffered depression and been very low but i've always kept my kids out of it . It doesnt matter what has happened in anyone's life its how they use it for their own behaviour and think because something bad has went on they can act like this . Sometimes people think the violence will stop so they stay in it . Juts shows it can happen to men . Just follow what you beleive in and do what you think is right for your child , if he is a man he'll stand by his child and if he doesnt (hard as it is ) you just do the best for your child

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