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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Single parent with single child - not enough of us

22 replies

MaeveB · 19/12/2009 23:41

Hi - are there any other single mums with only one child out there, feeling 2 is just not enough of you? My DD is 4 and although we have a great relationship and loads of fun by ourselves, I wish we had a bigger, noisier, more social homelife - and she does too.

Tonight she floored me by saying, out the blue, "Mummy I want more people in our family", and when I reminded her we do have lots of relatives, she said "but I want them to live in our house so I can share things. I get lonely with just you ...". Owch - pain pain pain, I felt SO bad for her - and me. She's only 4 but she really expressed herself very clearly when I asked her more about what she felt (and no a kitten won't do it!)

I'm over 40 so having more kids is unlikely. I'd love to meet a gorgeous man who already has kids, but that feels like a longshot too. In the meantime, I'm wondering how else we could have a bustling (but safe) houseful. Has anyone ever tried house-sharing with another single mum and kids? (I think there was an American sitcom about that set up once!) Sounds radical but I'd seriously consider it I think ...

Or any other ideas?? LOVE to get any thoughts ...

OP posts:

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BrandonsMummy · 20/12/2009 02:42

Hiya MaeveB

I'm a single mum with just the one. DS is only 6 months though so I'm not ready for any more just yet.

I Identified with your post as I currently live in a shared house. DS and I share a room and we have 2 other housemates. We are moving to our own place on 2nd Jan and I am quite daunted at the prospect of living alone (just us two).

I have loved living here as there is constantly someone to talk to / have a meal with / have a drink with or watch the baby while I run to the corner shop and I'm definitely going to miss the company . I was supposed to move out when I was PG but as nothing suitable had come up by my my due date I decided to stay an extra 6 months.

Do you work or are you a SAHM? I am returning to work next March and DS will be in nursery 3 days a week and with his Nanna one day. I feel that as he will be seeing other children / relatives, and I will be busy at work, we will hopefully really appreciate the time we have alone together in the evenings and at weekends. Up until March we are going to be getting out as much as possible to mother and baby groups / visiting friends etc.

Does your DD see other children regularly? When is she starting school? You may find that once she does, you will both be glad of some quality mother-daughter time when she's home!

If you do decide to house share I can certainly recommend it but you have to ensure that you absolutely find the right people! What part of the country are you in?

Mausilein · 20/12/2009 06:34

I'm a single parent with just one - some days I love the peace & quiet, some days I wish we had more bustle at home.

AboardtheAxiom · 20/12/2009 13:01

Hi there I am a single parent with an only too (aged 5).

I agree getting together with other people as much as opportunity allows helps it to feel more like a treat when there are just the two of you together. My DS is autistic and not that fussed about socialising with other children. I used to live with his dad and cm so it is very different having just me and DS and I do miss the bustle sometimes. I mostly enjoy it though TBH.

I too would like to meet someone nice in the distant future - not sure if I would wish for someone with dcs though. Being a step parent isn't all it's cracked up to be (I speak from 9 yrs experience).

AboardtheAxiom · 20/12/2009 13:02

sorry that's not very clear - I used to childmind (cm)

muggglewump · 20/12/2009 13:07

Another single parent of an only.

Having an only is my choice. DD is 8 now and we've been on our own since she was 6 weeks.

We like it though. I like to be in charge, and I need my space. DD loves being with friends but is always glad to get home to the peace and quiet too. She's happy to be an only, and I think is happy to have just one parent. It's her norm anyway, she's never known any different.

I have a sort of bf. He's technically now my ex but we see each other once a month or so for a few days, and love having him around but neither of us will move (he's 3 hours away) so it'll never be more than this.
DD loves him, he's been around since she was 4, and he's great with her but I don't think she'd like to have a permanent Stepdad and I don't want that either.

We're happy enough. Of course if I dig deep there's many things I'd change but we have it OK really.

Janos · 20/12/2009 13:09

Another single parent with just one here. TBH I like it with just me and DS but then I'm not a madly sociable person!

Not much peace and quiet as DS (5) is very outgoing and energetic.

MollieO · 20/12/2009 13:17

Another single with an only (5). We include grandma and her dog in our 'family'. No interest in sharing the house with anyone as it would remind me of my student days - 'that's my milk/eggs/life' etc!

Ds is at school and I work full time with a long commute so we don't actually have that much time at home just the two of us. I value the time we do spend together and he does different activities at the weekend and spends time with school friends.

Janos · 20/12/2009 14:51

IKWYM MollieO.

TBH I love too it just the two of us - no-one else to worry about, and can't imagine bringing anyone else into the mix.

spursmummy · 20/12/2009 17:56

I'm a single parent with one child, my dd is nearly 3. Sometimes I would like a more noisy house and every now and then I think I'd like to have some more children, but I work full-time and commute into London and back and when I get back dd and I have lovely cuddles on the sofa watching Charlie & Lola and it's nice to not have anyone else about to interrupt our quiet time! Most of my social life comes through my work so the evenings can get a bit lonely, but I've found phoning friends/being on mumsnet is a good substitute for having someone actually here with me. It's nice to not have anyone else to worry about - and to eat rubbish when dd's safely in bed and can't see me

dinamum · 20/12/2009 18:56

Any consolation I have 5 kids and a very noisey and busy house and if you ask any one of them - they would love to be an only child. I am not belittling your situation but sometimes as a parent we can not always give our DC what they want. I am constantly feeling I do not have enough time one to one with mine

kingfix · 20/12/2009 19:06

i am the only child of a single parent. Can't speak for mum, but christmasses were v special for me and actually better when it was just the 2 of us and not the traditional thing with extended family. I think this is basically because I got to do exactly what I wanted with her full attention all day and she tried to do different things, e.g trips out, christmasses away, which were v memorable.
Also when I was pre-school age and mum was in her early 20s we shared a houe with 2 other single parent families, which made studying/working/having a boyfriend possible for mum

BellsaRinging · 20/12/2009 19:20

I also have an only child and am single-ish. I have a b/f of a year and a half and he spends every weekend here, but has his own place. I like the being on my own with ds in the week, but at the weekend its nice to have more of us here. During big family Christmases I do miss having more dc, but at the same time know I wouldn't be as close to ds if I did.

SingleMum01 · 20/12/2009 20:45

MaeveB does your DD go to nursery or are you a SAHM?

I'm a single parent with one DS - we both love it that way! I like to be in charge (he tries to be in charge). He has friends round sometimes, but also likes to play with me and on his own. I think you can't beat a 1:1 - its special for both of you.

Original poster

MaeveB · 20/12/2009 20:56

Hi - thanks for all those posts (I've only just joined Mumsnet, I'm amazed at how quickly people respond). So interesting to read everyone's thoughts - and reassuring that other people eat rubbish when their child has gone to bed

I think I might try and get a weekly routine of dinner and sleeping over at my parents place once a week - to up the 'bustle' and family factor. I agree with everyone who said you enjoy the quiet if it's a treat ie not all the time. I do love it whenever we have houseguests though, and I guess my daughter is just that way inclined too, the more the merrier for her, especially if that includes kids.

Thanks, Brandonsmum, for those questions - I work full time, and DD is at a lovely nursery so no shortage of company there. And I'm in Glasgow (in snow!) Hope things work out when you move out the flat, and you still have loads of company coming round.

OP posts:

RedHairedGirlie · 21/12/2009 22:29

Hi, I'm a single mum of 1 (only 9 months) so still getting used to being just me and the wee one pretty much 7 days a week as no family close by and don't see my pals that often.

Sometimes wonder if the wee one is bored with me now though as when she does interact with others she seems so much more vocal!!

I am looking forward to when she is older though so we can do lots of lovely things together and I can bore her to tears with DVD footage of my past adventures :-)..

PS MaeveB - I left Glasgow yesterday to head to my folks.. never seen snow like it on the M74 before!! Is it still bad up there...?

OptimistS · 21/12/2009 23:20

I think it's all a matter of perspective. I have twins who will turn 3 next month, and I've been a single parent since they were 3 months old. I used to feel a bit cheated. I felt I'd missed out on that special bonding that parents get when they've only got one newborn to deal with.

Now I realise that every family has its own special uniqueness that no other has, whether you're doing that as a single parent, part of a couple, with hands-on grandparents or no family support whatsoever. Being a single parent isn't an easy option, but it can be incredibly special and it's all about learning to appreciate what you have. For every difficulty you face, the solution provides personal development and a deepening bond with your child. Just because something is difficult doesn't mean it's a negative.

Just a thought...

sparklefrog · 21/12/2009 23:40

Another single mum here, but I do have 2, although I do think my situation is the same as a single mum with 1DC.
My DS doesn't live at home, and I only see him for v v short periods of time, usually once a week, and he refuses to help at all with DD, which I think is his prerogative, so I live with my DD, and that's it.

I would love to have another, but the mere thought of giving birth again makes me shudder and without a man's assistance, it's looking unlikely.

RedHairedGirlie · 22/12/2009 10:24

OptimistS, I like your take on things... sometimes I think we just need a few words from others to get our perspective back a little

mrsmincepiesharket · 22/12/2009 13:52

am in same situation but i am trying to see it as a positive thing - the fact that there is still nearly a full arctic roll in the freezer and 4packets of crisps in the bag etc it does get lonely sometimes when dd is in bed and dd has said the same things to me as yours has to you.

she (dd) has also asked for a baby brother or sister for xmas bless her

fwiw i am trying to use this 'alone'time to bond with my daughter, i had AND and PND and still have bouts now, because iof this i have found it very difficult to bond with my daughter, it is getting easier and then it gets hard when she realises she's in a bad mood (but then that's for me to learn to cope with, not dd), x doesn't help but then he's the one that's losing out - not me. i do feel closer to dd now i've left him (over 2years ago) so that's the good part

Amazoniancracker · 23/12/2009 07:55

I am a single mum with one ds aged 2. His dad walked out when he was 6 months so as far as I can tell he is used to it being just the two of us and knows nothing else.

I understand completely the 'no bustle' thing that a larger family and siblings would bring (I am on of 5 myself) but being mid-forties its highly unlikely he will ever have this.

I have no family support at all either so rellies round etc.

However, I compensate for this by making a lot of noise in the house! I am always singing or talking to him/have the radio and/or telly on. We have two dogs a cat and two fish and they are very much included in ds's 'family' (eg we say goodnight to each of them by name at bedtime.) We get out as much as we can to meet friends and he goes to cm four or five mornings a week and is very sociable there.

Um, we read a lot of books so his world is 'peopled' by the characters (igglepiggle, charlie and lola, Pat, Sam etc) and I do spend a lot of time playing with him or dancing (he is addicted to the Peter Kay Children in Need dvd which is full of all his 'friends' and is quite happy to shout out the words and dance around to it over and ver again while I try and get house-stuff done)

It is knackering and maybe I am doing the wrong thing, but as well as making his life full of 'people' and bustle, it keeps my spirits up. Also it means that once he is in bed I can enjoy the sudden peace and quiet, can slump in front of the tv and eat crap food!

I am very close to ds and because crap ex is not around he never hears arguments or sees/hears me crying anymore!

nappyaddict · 28/12/2009 01:55

BrandonsMummy What was it like living in a shared house? Did you have rules about not having any late night noisy drunkenness etc cos of a baby being in the house. Did they mind having the baby's things in the kitchen and living room etc?

Everyone else who became single when their babies were fairly young what's the youngest you let them stop overnight at their dad's and were they breast or formula fed?

Sparklefrog How old is your DS and DD?

lottysmum · 28/12/2009 10:55

Being a single mum with one isn't easy especailly at times like Christmas...I think it's mainly because you are in each other's company so much and you want the house to come alive at celebration time.

I'm lucky because I still have a good relationship with my Ex so we still share certain occasions (he stayed on Xmas Eve and we had a family Xmas day).

The best thing to do is try and get a network of local single parents together if possible. Gingerbread have friendship co-oridnators in many area's of the UK and you can use this to expand your single parent network.

I must admit now my daughter is 7 I love some one to one time with her when we cuddle up and read a book or have a cinema night with popcorn...but I share care so like to make the most of every opportunity...if it was 24.7 I would probably feel differently.

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