I am so so so tired

[Amazoniancracker]

All I do is get up, get dressed, get ds up, give him breakfast, put the washing on, make sure the bins are out/recycling, mop the floor because it pisses with rain eternally and I have 2 dogs, drop ds off at childminder, clean toilets for four hours, come home, pick up ds, put him down, take washing out, mop floor again, open bills, do admin, worry about leaking rooms, try to work out what to give ds for his tea, get ds up, wash his table and chair, give him his tea, try to entertain him for two or three hours, dance round sitting room with him/watch baby telly/try to figure out what to have to tea myself only probably too late to defrost anything. Run ds bath, hang out washing, put his nappy and pjs on, read him a story, when he is in bed hang all my cleaning cloths out.

I am so bloody awfully tired. This has been going on for months and months. I take ads and they are good. But I have no help. I wish the sun was shining and I had Ex-h's balls in my christmas nut-crackers so that I could hear him cry as loudly he has made me cry.

1. get rid of your dogs. They are adding nothing but stress to your life. Rehome them.

2. do something with your son out of the house. Go and look at ducks, or go to the park, or go swimming, or visit a friend together or go to the library.

3. early nights for a week. get yourself 9 or 10 hours a night for 7 straight nights.

1. is just not possible. I love them.

2. is too difficult as he is only 2 and is knackered when I pick him up from the Cm and sleeps for 2 hours - which is when I do all the house stuff.

3. I try. Sometimes I get terrible insomnia. Recently I am back on track and getting 7 hours a night which makes me feel better than when I don't sleep.

I Have to work. I don't earn enough money though. Husband is swinging in his hammock in se asia doing fuck all and contributing nothing. his family are too busy being posh. My family too busy being dysfunctional. I am 45 and so bloody tired coldtiz

Oh sweetheart

Give yourself a day off the house every week?

let it pile, do it the next day. You'll find there won't be that much more than there would have been anyway.

It gets easier as they get older - when he drops that nap, you;ll be able to do more with him.

Do you have any single parent friends you could invite round for tea? they make more mess but the company is worth it.

You sound like you aren't doing anything for yourself at all - could you tack a couple of hours a week onto your childcare and go and sit and have a coffee?

Finally, are you sure you are getting all the help you are entitled to, tax credits-wise?

Can you sue your ex for maintenance?

Not if he's abroad - CSA only works within the UK. And he's outside the jurisdiction of British courts.

Unless it's just a holiday of course, in which case, yes, sue him for maintenance.

I'd write to his family, too, send photographs, bombard them with guilt. Fuckers.

Do all the tax credit stuff. I went to see the Lone Parent Advisor at the Dole Office the other week. She was very, very helpful. You don't have to be unemployed to access the service, as a lot of payments are to ppl on low incomes. Go before the Tories get in!!

I just want to say, I empathise.

I have two kids - 18MO and 4MO and a husband who currently resides in Germany 5 days a week.

Obviously, my situation is different to yours, beacuse DH and I are together and he pays for everything we need... but my day ot day life just consists of running around desperately trying to keep up with housework.

I also have a dog - I understand you can't rehome them.

Do try to take a day though - where you don't give two hoots about housework. I know it's difficult.. What I try to do is work one evening so the house is VERY clean and then take a day or two off.

Sometimes it would just be nice to get out of the routine, wouldn't it? I have a very nice babysitter now, but I know that I'm going to have to get up 3 times between 1 and 5am, so an evening out isn't something I find too enjoyable.

You should try to get your families (his and yours) to try and help more.

Hugs from me.

I HEAR YOU

think at this time of year it is more acute, the feeling of being utterly unsupported

watch this

Short cuts I have used when a lone parent (although admit I have cats, not dogs)

Cover floor with newspaper. In layers. Peel off one layer when it looks too skanky.

Cook two batches of basic meals DS likes eg Risotto and Chicken casserole - divide into meal size portions and freeze - alternate them through the week. 2 year old will not care and it's cheap.

Feed DS in the bath. It's nicer to wash cuddly babies than clothes/chairs/slimey bibs etc. And it's fun.

Plan some meals for yourself in advance - then you don't have to think about it and can plan in a few treats, and small treats matter. Cook for self in time saved through cooking DS's meals as above. Very important to feed yourself well.

Stop wasting energy thinking about ex. Timetable 15 minutes in the day when you sit and meditate and imagine his new thai bride giving him VD and then ruthlessly refuse to give him headspace.

Buy buckets. The sun will shine soon.

hi - and not surprised youre knackered, sounds like a non stop kind of day. ive three kids and went it alone when the youngest was about two, was chaos back then! and we had a dog that trailed mud everywhere, tho i agree, he was brilliant and wouldnt have given him up for anything...a child or two tho... nah...
ive also worked one way or another so suggest you find some 'you' time somehow. even if its just crap on the tv when ds has gone to bed - i used to watch morse - way back when first on my own - was just a bit of escaping, kids were in bed and everything stopped for it. have grown out of it now of course - i now watch poirot
anyway, enough of that, get leaks fixed, winter has a while to go yet and damp is bad for you. tho you have reminded me of when my kitchen ceiling fell in - woke up, walked in to find crap all over cupboards and the sky peering in where the roof should have been - and a dog cowering in his bed thinking he was going to get a bollocking for it.

Poor you! You sound like you need a big hug and some more sleep!! Keep the dogs, I love my 3 to bits and they keep me sane when my boys are with ex! give yourself a day a week off the housework and a treat a day if you can. mine was to buy and read a newspaper with a cup of tea, just 1/2 hour of me time. winter is the worst part of the year but as of next week it starts to get lighter so we are on the way to spring

Oh people thanks for all your kind words. I dragged myself off to bed last night. I have one luxury that really helps - a heated blanket. I recommend them to anyone who needs warmth of any kind in their lives.

I have back aches and knee aches and when I am stressed my hands and feet come out in itchy blotches and they are red raw at the moment. Sorry for moaning. I haven't even posted presents and cards off in time this year - it's the first time ever I have not done this
and makes me furious with myself.

I do watch crap telly in the evening (miss x factor and Celebrity badly now they've ended) and I do the meals thing - I roast a chicken every sunday then turn it into a curry which I eat all week. But the routine gets frighteningly dull. Anyone else feel this? That life is just seeping away and each day blurs into the next?

The insomnia comes in bouts and lasts a week or so. There isn't much I can do about it. It takes a few days to recover from it when it goes.

I am getting all the tax credits I think. They are a lifesaver but it's just not enough.

This week I worked 6 bloody days in a row to earn a bit more. I earned £218 in total (wow ha ha) and then yesterday the car tax letter arrived so renewing the tax cost me 150 quid. That leaves me with fifty quid. Great.

The childminder fees go up in January.

I simply cannot approach H's family for help as they loathe me and think it's my fault he went off to shag whores. I am glad they are not in our lives but obviously a part of me wishes none of this had happened.

My own family are certainly not approachable. I have seen them off! I am better off without them. But again, I often wish I had had had a normal, supportive and warm family instead of the foul lot I was born into.

I do have friends but I have no babysitters. I did ask my neighbours last weekend - gave them three weeks notice - and went to an xmas drinks do and had a fab time but I am so not used to going out I nearly didn't go as was so nervous. I have a terror of men still so find it hard to be in their company without acting like a clown so they don't try anything on.

I have nightmares. H has come back and I have taken him back but I hate him and keep asking why he did it. I am too bloody old to be going through this crap. Life is so unrecognisable from BC (Before C**)

I do think less and less about ex-arsewipe but it's hard when ds has his big brown eyes. At least I have ds. At least I have ds. He is so brilliant he makes it all 200 per cent worthwhile but I wonder how on earth I will manage when he has maths homework and football to go to and girlfriends and needs pocket money and size 8 trainers. I will be 65 when he starts college fgs. I might not even be alive by then. I am tired and terrified I think.

God what a self-pitying bloody ramble.

By the time you are 65 you will be a) fantastically rich - everyone needs a good 'Mrs Mop' in their life and you will have franchise's everywhere. Most of your employees will be single parent mums who particularly love the way you fix everyone up so there is a network of people to talk to when life is grim. They will marvel at the way it seems you 'really understand'. b) you will have found the passion of your life - this might be a man, a woman, a dog or even Miss Marple re-runs!

I had a really bad few years and now I realise all the bad stuff gave me strengths in my personality that fair weather would never have allowed me to develop. Get some vaseline for your hands and some cotton gloves - put the vaseline on at night and then the gloves. It does work for me when I have been using bleach etc too much.

I hope that you have some bright days in the near future. xx

hope today is somehow a little better, easier

what sort of job would you do, if you could do anything you chose? think it would help if you could find ways of building more pleasure into your day, it's hard when life is a relentless grind - am struggling to come up with any practical ideas (I very rarely have a whole day off, maybe once a month?) beyond thinking about a job you might enjoy more or that is better paid

I was actually contemplating starting a similar thread to yours but saw yours so thought I'd post and say you are definitely not alone. We have very different situations but sometimes life is such a treadmill that you are clinging onto for dear life otherwise you will fall off. (my situation: married with 2 children, currently pregnant, but husband is abroad for much of the year, work FT, have enough money so that's not a problem but kids ill, I had flu, am dog tired with the pregnancy, could cheerfully strangle my kids at the moment - they are currently running around at 0530 every morning, had to come to work this morning without even a cup of tea.... rant rant)

I agree with you - the weather is fucking shite - life must be so much nicer if you live in a constantly sunny climate.

BTW, Why don't you set up your own cleaning agency?

if you do set up own agency you could specialise (like my cleaners do) in extremely messy houses - you cannot imagine how life changing it has been to find a company like that, after years and years of being ripped off, disappointed and let down by individuals

have passed them on to other slovenly bastards who are equally impressed - there is a big gap in the market for cleaners who actually want to clean, as opposed to flicking a duster around an already spotless house

We are going to try and 'expand' in the new year..get some business advice, open a bank account, employ another cleaner. But that brings its own stresses with it as far as i can see.

Its ds's xmas party today but haven't had time to make or find him an outfit so just wrapped him in tinsel.

Now off to the biggest house I clean (three floors, 8 bedrooms, but it's lovely and a pleasure to do even if totally knackering)

I can't imagine having more than one ds (though two dogs, a cat and two fish do go some way towards it?? One dog is a puppy and still not fully house trained) and not having your H around to help. And pregnant! Gawd, the mind boggles.

I suppose the subconscious drum beat to my life is always that arsewipe was able to just walk on to a plane with his pockets stuffed with our money, fly off to his lovely warm climate, rock into a good job by lying, earn a good wage and get as much sex as his twisted heart desires, without so much as a backward glance or the law being able to do anything about it. It just seems so wicked and unfair. He has abandoned three children and a wife. (Well, I am no longer his wife as I have managed to divorce him.) And in a text a few weeks ago he told me to 'slice off your cellulite and fucking choke on it.'

Being tired all the time just does not make coping with the internal anger easy! I know it will all take time. It is getting easier..it has been a year and a half since he disappeared but hell it does still hurt when I look at my beautiful ds and know that he has no family apart from me.

Got to get my mop and go to work now

you won't be so tired when it is warmer and drier and sunnier

haha when will that be though?

that is EXACTLY what my husband did, took all our money (MY money) and even emptied the food cupboards in the middle of the night and just for spite chopped up MY bank cards, my personal account - ok it's 15 or more years down the road but thank God he made it easy for me to despise his actions - and settled abroad

he's left a trail of children everywhere, doesn't visit or send cards or contact any of them, has totally put me off settling down with anyone else for life even though I doubt lightning could strike twice

Amazonian, I know how you feel, promise. My daughter's dad is a London black cab driver, claimed to CSA that he earned £60/week, £60 per fare more like, and as he's self-employed they couldn't prove otherwise so they said, awarded me £20 a month. My daughter is now grown up and a wonderful girl, with a son of her own who I adore, but boy has it been tough, I'm so so tired and drained from years of going it alone, have always worked full-time, am hurtling towards repossession and just feel completely ground down. So just wanted to say I completely understand and think we could both do with a hug!

You sound like you mop other people's floors enough, don't go mopping your's twice a day. Bugger that!!

You might feel like your life is full of drudgery whilst your nobneck ex is off shagging anything that moves in a bikini, sitting at beach bars drinking pina coladas etc but he'll probably end up with a nasty downstairs infection or something. He's probably that pervy drunk the young girls laugh at, dribbling at the bar and telling them how loaded he is just so he can feel their tits. And he's probably waking up in the middle of the night thinking 'I really am a shit'.
Trust me, I live in Spain and there's loads of men out here like that. Legends in their own lunchtimes but very very lonely people. Kids back in the UK. 'Living the dream'. But in reality rotting their livers and getting nicotine stained teeth.

HanBanan - i like your message! absolutely true, the whole 'im living the dream' thing is often a huge smokescreen for what is essentially a boring, nihilistic, utterly meaningless life. yes, life may be hard now for single parents, but it is meaningful - the single most important thing you can experience in life.

hey amazonian - hope the weekend goes well - read a bit of the above stuff...must say your clown antics made me smile but do get the other stuff. my life also seems to be tearing past at an alarming speed - i'm 43 next week! my three are older tho - two of them just got back from uni - that does make me feel old! they are great tho and make it all worthwhile. i wouldnt be too bothered about thinking your ex lives it up - mine is well down the line from yours and knows all about regret - trouble was there was no going back after the holiday. and i'd be the first to admit to have tried anything if there'd been a chance. but kids at least adapt easier than us at times - expect yours will turn out well enough - so long as they can depend on one of you to be there.

anyway - keep up the good work and have a great Christmas

Dear Amazonian. I'm not sure how this site works, as its the first night I've ever been on it, but.... I've typed loads of replies and deleted them all, because I can't precis just how much I get what you're saying here. I'm 2.5yrs down the line with two littluns in similar circs, and tho it pushed me to the brink (and I'm still far from out of the woods), it was worth hanging on by my fingernails, and I'm proud of myself, looking back. You will be too. Just drop the bar, keep on dropping it til you need a shovel to find it, and keep lovin on your little boy, just exactly like you are now. That's the real work, and you're doin it sis, from what I can see. Darkest just before dawn, rem?

Thanks everyone. I like the image of dropping the bar. And welcome to MN by the way

I suppose that is what has happened - the bar has indeed been dropped and it just adds to the frustration and sense of constant panic. So much to do all the time. I think it's sort of worse as I clean for other people and really am bloody good at it - their houses are spotless, smell lovely, every nook and cranny is wiped and mopped and scrubbed....and my own place is a shithole by comparison. I cant spend four concentrated hours doing it on my 'day off,' as I have so much other crap to do and ds in tow.

Anyway, I have pulled out of that black hole. For now.

I can't believe it's a year and a half (and two weeks) since ex-h buggered off. It sounds like a lifetime and so much has gone on, but it still seems like yesterday. Only, this time round I am not dreading xmas or boxing day, or any of the other 'first anniversaries' as ds and I have done them all.

What's more, I have put THREE xmas trees up in the house. H would have loathed that! Very common ha ha.

Happy christmas you bastard.

Hi Amazon, just to let you know that I feel exactly the same was as you - this year has been my first as a single parent (DD 3 and DS1) after my hideous exH left - he was really abusive and nasty (and in fact, still is) but I have no family near me except my mum who is in her 70's, and can provide some company but no practical help. I also work 4 days a week so I am shattered 99% of the time and almost every day feel like you, as it feels like the tiredness and the endless work and the rubbish situation will never ever end. Agree that you need to force yourself to try and get more sleep/rest, and try to fit in anything that you enjoy, however small (in my case downloading the last 3 series of Dr Who to my Ipod and watching an episode a night when the kids are asleep - sad, but it helps a bit)and hook up with friends as much as feasible -even if you still have DS with you, just having some company can lift the darkness a bit. Also, just a thought, but I am on ADS too, and some of them can cause insomnia - don't know which one you are taking, but some of the SSRI's have side effects that include sleep disturbance and insomnia. I've taken Venlafaxine and Sertraline, both of which have really messed up my sleep - could this be a possible cause? If so, it might be worth a visit to your GP as some of the tricyclics can either help with sleep, or at least don't have insomnia as a side effect. In the meantime, HUGE hugs from me - completely understand how you feel - you are so not alone!