22 month dd ruins play dates - at my wits end!!!

[bellbottom]

Hello,

Just feeling like I've had a gutful of it and can't cope a minute longer.

22 month dd is generally responsive to my boundaries and we have a very close yet intense relationship as she is very strong willed.

But trying to build a life around us in the form of playdates never EVER seems to go well. She cant bear to share me. She hates me to talk to other mothers. She becomes defiant about things and her posessions. She pushes and hits the other child. Lately she sometimes hits me in the face.

I crave a regular network and find it;s such a slow process to build the right one. All the time I'm fighting the feelings of isolation I get from being a lone parent. I try so hard to be positive and build the friendships, but I just can't relax on playdates as I'm a bag of nerves about what she'll do next. And I feel paranoid that my anxiety is contagious and not relaxing to the other mum. And also paranoid that we will never make lasting friendships. Afterwards I feel angry towards dd as it feels like she's spoiling our chances of having a network.

I just can't seem to stay calm and focused when the hitting and pushing starts. I lose all ability to get it right. It's like my worst fear makes me freeze and panic. I need a solution that actually works, and one that will enable me to stay relaxed and just be myself!!!

Advice anyone? I'm losing it!!! DD just hit me in the face so I sent her to bed without a story and now feel really rotten....

:-(

Poor you, it sounds stressful. My 3.5yr old was a bit like that in other people's houses, and I found that playgroups in massive halls or softplay places (very cheap during school hours) were much better for him! Are there any that you could go to? It's still a good chance to network, you could even have your playdates there if need be and gradually dwindle the numbers?

Good luck, and you're not rotten for sending her to bed - sounds very calm and reasonable to me!!

Playdates go badly here too. There is something about the confined space and the fact that the toys belong to someone. Would second what leftorright suggests about playgroups. Playgrounds too, if you can bear the cold! More space to run around.

Can you afford a babysitter so sometimes you can go out with the other mums without your LO?

She's very young - still a baby. Try meeting in the park, or at toddler groups. If your daughter's behavior isn't great that day, laugh it off and say "ahhh she's in a rotten mood today, she was lovely yesterday" ... I bet the other mother has her own worries.

Can you attempt meetings with parents who like trips and parks, rather than coffee in cafes?

Sometimes if you go into situations expecting certain outcomes you make those outcomes come true, so if you are a bag of nerves expecting your DD to 'ruin' the playdate she more than likely pickes up on this and fullfills your expectations.

You need to find a way of distancing your own emotions from your DD's behaviour so that the two are not linked. You need to set your DD clear boundaries for bad behaviour without getting emotionally involved in that bad behaviour, if that makes sense.

Pretend she's not yours when she starts pushing and hitting, so that you stay emotionally detached while dealing with the behaviour.

STOP. Take some breaths, she's only 22 months...heading swiftly for 2 years, there not called terrible for nothing. TOo little to be sent to bed. Nearly old enough for the naughty step, use it sparingly.

Distraction, ignoring and 'no' sometimes may well be all you need.

Oh and go to as many playgroups as you can until you find one you like, you are never never the only one when surrounded by other parents.

And praising praising praising when you get the behaviour you want!

thanks everyone.
As usual I feel a great sense of relief for sharing and your suggestions are so supportive.

Overmydeadbody - I think this advice really would work a treat for me! Its the emotions I feel that prevent me from handling things calmly and simply. So from now on, if hitting happens I will pretend dd is someone elses child and remove her from scene and continue to play with other child!! Big thanks!!

"punishments" need to be very immediate and obvious - i would hate to use story time as a punishment as is such an important bonding/intro to reading thing to do. needs to be soemthing more immediate - like taking to "naughty step" .

cf supernanny...at 22 months time out would only be just under two minutes.

try playgroups, music for tots , one o clock clubs, soft play, local library story time that kind of thing.

role play with teddies and dolls about having a friend (the other teddy) come play and share with toys.

and praise andreward good behaviour all the time . good eating, good playing, good sitting.. then you can start ignoring the bad and removing her.

thanks cestlavielife,

I must point something out. I did not put her to bed without a story because I thought it was a good method to use. I did it because I was unable to cope any further, and knew if I didn't then I would maybe get upset. So it was a precaution to save us both further stress. I had been feeling the strain all day on 2 playdates, and then when the hit in my face came I just felt the weight of emotions get the better of me. I did feel really awful that it came to that - dd going without a story, but I just couldn't go on.

All your tips are great - love the role play idea. Brilliant. This is why I love mumsnet - it's the sharing of ideas that when I read, I think, why the hell did I not think of that it was staring me in the face!! but the overload of mummyness just sometimes does not let any more inspiration get through to brain!
We talk to her dolly all the time - so sharing role play is a truely genius idea. I really appreciate this.
Thanks to you all!!!

Night :-)

for hitting, give a firm low-voiced "no hitting" and hand over hand put her hand/arm down bside her. depending on situation you could move her away from the other child or if at home take her to designated "naughty step".

some children only hear the "hitting"part and dont hear the "no" so sometimes you need an alternative way of saying it - so rather than "no hitting" you say "play nicely" ... or it can help to say both together "no hitting, play nicely"

react the same way each time if poss...

again the role play at a calm time, teddy takes dolly's toy, dolly hits teddy - you say "no hitting dolly, play nicely" oh look teddy is crying beacuse dolly hit him.

you can then see how she reacts/responds to this scenario... get into her mind...

It's just so embarassing when they act like this and that's what gets me the most...not the hitting part. My dd is 3.5 and every now and then hits me in public. I've never smacked her etc and so my instant thought is people are watching and thinking 'bad mum' and 'where did she learn that?'
But when I see other kids do it I think 'haha not just me then, is it?! Someone's having a bad day'...
It's not easy to reason with kiddlywinks, especially girls when theyre in a bad mood. Now she's older I just stop, look up, wait for a break and then say 'calm down or mummy will not listen' and then wait for it to stop and for that fake little cry to quieten down, then usually I distract her with something else.
Kid's have tempers like the rest of us. Nothing to be embarassed about. Although it is bloody irritating!!!

Ps I don't reckon playgroups are the best places to make friends, there's too much pressure to show everyone what a good mum you are/good child you have/ how well you're dressed/ kid's dressed etc etc and you end up feeling outside of the circle of friends already there.
Do you work? Perhaps that's the best place to find friends. You can just be you. Once little one goes to school in a couple of years time she'll have plenty of friends, so don't worry about 'networking' your child. That's a load of bollocks. Just worry about yourself for a bit, if you're happy she'll be happy.
And girls are feisty little madams..!