"Daddy and you had a battle to have me and you won"

[Janos]

Very tired today.

Some of you will know a bit of background with me and my XP. He was and is a controlling bully, an emotional abuser in fact and I find it very difficult to deal with him as his attitude to anything is I am RIGHT and you are WRONG. He is pleasant to my face (which I suppose is something) but it's a complete facade. I think he actually hates me.

Most recently I've been trying to re-negotiate access arrangements. Before anyone jumps on me please can I make it clear I am NOT trying to stop my DS seeing his Dad.

As a result I've been attacked, yet again, with a barrage of ludicrous allegations. While these are infuriating I can deal with them because I know its a lot of nonsense dredged up from my XP overactive imagination.

And his latest trick seems to be feeding bile to DS. See thread title. Apart from that we have had comments like 'Mummy got the police to come and take me away' (WTF?) and the latest, 'Are you trying to steal Daddy's money' (he refuses to pay maintenance and actually left a very well paid job so he didn't have to).

When I ask people for advice I get told I am too reasonable and "I wouldn't put up with that", "You let him get away with too much". "Why don't you make him pay".

I know they are trying to be supportive but this just makes me feel worse and I am beginning to feel like I am being bullied from every angle.

Now I'm not sure what the point of this is but I just need to vent!

I think if your ex can't act like a grown up he shouldn't see your son and you should tell your son his dad is talking bollocks.

Agree with Fab

I've told him the small boy version of that Fab which is "Daddy is being very silly and don't take any notice".

TBH I'd be overjoyed if I never had to deal with the tosser ever again but DS loves his Dad and would be really upset if he didn't get to see him.

Sorry the thread title doesn't quite make sense. It should be "mummy won". I was saying it how DS said it to me.

We got what you meant .

Just love your son and he will be fine.

I get this sort of crap from mine too. "Daddy wants us to live together and be a proper family", "Daddy are you happy now mummy is here" etc etc. It gets me down.
LOL Fab. Sadly talking boolocks is not an excuse much as I wish it could be, because then my ds could backdate not seeing his father to about 1066 AD.

Thank you everyone

Dittany, that is good advice. I am noting all of this stuff down - I have a file bulging with creepy nonsense from XP.

He can be told not to do it until he's blue in the face (not that he pays any attention to me or anyone very much tbh) and he still does it.

Despite all XPs crap my DS is a good natured, thoughtful, kind and affectionate little boy. Friends are always commenting how nice he is, has good manners, plays well with other kids etc

Mutt - what you said struck a chord. He's clever and I think he is already beginning to work out what his Dad is like.

What she said. They do work it out, and they need you more than ever when the penny drops. I remember exactly the moment I realised my dad really was a lying tosser after all. We were in Kew Gardens and he told me a lie about a duck. No, really. I was about nine.

Keep on doing what you're doing, Janos. You're doing great.

Thank you Mutt

I'm just having one of those "banging my head against a brick wall" days. Still...I figure better occasionally then every day as it used to be when I was still with him!

Janos, I could have written your posts myself . Exactly the same. It has got so bad I am seriously considering moving home to Scotland - 400 miles- just so my DC aren't subjected to his crap. DC want to move - they have sussed him out now and are reluctant to go and see him. They say "we don't want to hear bad things about you mummy but we do, all the time". There are other issues - not just 'me wanting to atke them away' which is NOT what I want to do - that's why I've held out here being bullied for so long.

I could have written the original post, too.

It's very easy for people to say they wouldn't put up with nonsense off an ex. If they have an ex, they probably don't have to put up with the same kind of crap in the first place.

I can't really offer much in the way of practical advice... though I am following this thread for any tips I can use myself.

All that any of us can do is our best, wait for out very bright and insightful children to reach the same conclusion that we eventually did and thank our lucky stars that we got out.

Leslaki "... they have sussed him out now and are reluctant to go and see him. They say "we don't want to hear bad things about you mummy but we do, all the time".

EXACTLY!! My parents split when I was little (two years old). My dad never stopped bitching about my mum, even 35 years later. I cut off contact with him myself. We had to restart seeing each other due to a family funeral, but he was still moaning about her. So I cut him off again.

He's an idiot, and he has lost his only child (me). Even when I was a kid I hated it, but my mum used to bitch about him too, so it was just as bad at home.

When I was 15 I asked them both to stop. She did. He didn't. Says it all, really.

Sorry but not surprised to hear that there are others in the same situation

When I'm in a good frame of mind I feel ok with it and figure, well it's gonna be like this for at least the next 10 years or so, better get used to it...

Really feel for you Leslaki. It really does seem sometimes that no matter what you do it's wrong. It's just so bloody draining isn't it?

I have no read all the thread but at the moment I'm having the same problem with the ex.

I have been to a meeting with an org for victims of domestic violence and what they told me to do was the following.

Don't lie to protect your son as it will back fire sooner or later, but don't give much detail in the explanations either. So if he comes with things like that say things like, 'I don't know why your dad told you something like that, I can't understand why but I can assure Dad loves you" (that for things that hurt your child)

Now for things that hurt you, I would use something like this: "dad know that that is not true, I think dad is annoyed with mum and I don't know exactly why. I think he is telling you these things to hurt me, not you. You know me, and you know I wouldn't do something like that"

I have also tried not to retaliate to the comment as difficult as it may be, for the simple reason that DS will go and tell him what I said, and exH would use it against me or would start a new false accusation that unfortunately, is going to hurt DS even more.

Thank you Mongolia, those are actually very good suggestions.

I don't react to the comments at all (well not to DS...I just rant on here and to my friends and family).

That is exactly what XP would do. He'd be delighted to think he was getting at me in any way.

Sympathise Janos, my ExH is the same. Found out he was filling my DD's head with crap and telling her to lie to me.... it broke my heart. She is 3 years old. Neither of us have had wonderful childhoods,so thought he would be better than this.

I have never lied to her, I never stop her from speaking her mind. And yes, My ExH loves getting at me through DD. So immature.