Am I allowed to say 'it's either both or none'?

[SantasKinkyKnickers0nMaHead]

Exp has dd every other Saturday for an overnight visit. He couldn't have ds as I was still bf, but that stopped 4 weeks ago and I left 6 weeks ago.

He has said he wont cope with two and wont have ds overnight.

Am I right to say 'you either have them both to stay, or neither of them'?

It isnt fair on either of the dc's. They are 2 and 1 and can pick up on, what I believe to be, favouritism.

I really don't think a 1 year senses favouritism and why force him if he doesn't feel able to cope with two? It is the children that will suffer if he struggles.

I'd say it would depend on how he was whe you were living together. If he was very hands on with your DS, then I'd say he was just being spiteful. If he just sat around and expected you to do it all yourself, I'd say leave it for a few months until he gets used to having your DD. Maybe he could have your DD one week and DS the other until he gets used to both of them?

It's a difficult one. He needs to get used to his son,and vice versa.

BUT if you force him, it'll cause damage to both your children and to his relationship with your children.

Was he ever responsible for putting your son to bed before you left? If so, ask him why this is any different. If not, give it time. Maybe ask him to start taking more responsibility for the bed time routine gradually. Start off so he's having your son closer to bed time, then he starts overtaking one part of the routine at a rate that suits you both.

It doesn't sounmd like he NEVER wants to have your son, but if your son's going from being highly dependent on you in terms of the breastfeeding and bedtime routine, it'd be unrealistic to expect him to take your son overnight straight away.

Sorry, I know I was being unrealistic, just had one of those days

I know he needs more time.

Must be hard for you knicks

You'll get there. Stick with it.

It just gets to me that he can now do as he pleases while I'm here with two kids, all the time.

He says I get a break at the weekend when dd goes to his parents on a Sunday over night but, you know, it isnt the same as having a break is it?

He has started acting like his mate who has recently split from his wife, he goes to the club whenever he wants and has his 3 kids every other weekend.

Once, just once, would I like an hour to myself

Why not do alternate weekends for each child, or just do half an hour, an hour with both children? You get a bit of a break but he isn't thrown in and more importantly the children aren't in an environment where the parent may struggle. Don't feel guilty about wanting some time to yourself.

sory - hijacking slightly - but before I do - I agree with the others I'm afraid Knickers, perhaps try alternate weekends or one of the other suggestions here. You know what they say "this too shall pass" (not sure who said it - but I like it and it will )

FAB - do I have you on FB??? I want to talk to you about something on another thread that I've just seen.

I am not on FB but you can CAT me if you want

When I split up from my xh I was still BF too, so he could only have ds2 for a few hours. When ds2 was about 9 months old xh used to have ds1 one weekend, ds2 the next, then both the next then a weekend off.

Used to work well as we both got precious one on one time.

5 years on he doesn't see them at all now - as he can't be bothered even though I 've tried to help with keeping visits short. He didn't cope with two very well (and wanted to live his life rather than have children around).

So, it's in your and their interests to make it so he feels he can cope.

I know it's hard to watch your x out having a carefree life whilst you are struggling on your own, and probably getting the comment always made to me 'you chose to be a single mother'.

Once I had accepted that I had them all the time it took away his control over me (by cancelling contact at the last minute) and life became easier for me.