Shits gonna hit the fan

[rhksmum]

and I dont know what to do
My ex has had limited contact with his kids,as and when it suits him. (his choice not mine)
Social work have tried to get him to see the kids more but he keeps saying he cant make any definate dates
He hasnt seen his son since 12th August or his daughter since begining of September.
There was a review on Monday at social work and now they finally beleive what I've been saying all along that he just uses the kids to get at me.
My lawyer was at the meeting and everyone decided that until he works out a contact schedule he isnt to see them.
So I get the letter today that lawyer sent him and its very nicely worded but I know once he gets his im gonna get the abusive phonecalls, he will tell kids on phone that I'm ruining their christmas, that I'm stopping him seeing them.

I know the kids need a routine and they need stability and I do the best I can for them but he flits in and out their life when it suits him and im left to pick up the pieces.

I know I need to see this through to the end, I'm scared what he will do next.
I dont want to be the bad one, I just want my children to have a dad that wants to see them for them and not as an accessory.

Some one tell me I've done the right thing please

hi rhks, you have done the right thing, may not feel like it at this moment in time, but in the long run you will benefit.

I took my ex to court to make him have access to the children but unfortunately he never showed up, however he did inform my solicitor in a letter that he had a new life and he would see "my" children on his terms or not at all. He has seen them approximately 8 times in the last 8 years. It breaks my heart, but i really wish i had allowed my solicitor to summons him to court and force his hand in saying whether he would or would not see the children again, instead of them not knowing from one year to the next.

I wish you and your children all the luck in the world, and sometimes children turn out equally as happy with one happy loving mum, than with a dad who is using them!!

Thanks ivegota,

I just cant believe its come to this, I spoke to the kids on Monday to say that they may not be seeing their dad at christmas, my son said thats great mum thats the best christmas present you could give me, ffs he's 9 he dhouldn't think lie that, my daughter who's 11 was a bit different, although I think all she sees is the gifts and fancy holidays he gives them.
My son is always ill when it gets to christmas because he knows he has to go to his dads and its not fair for him to have his christmas ruined.

I'm not asking alot all I want is for him to have regular contact with them, to be a dad, if he doesn't want that then he walks now before anymore damage is done

In the long run, the children will understand and respect you for it.

Like you, all i ever wanted for my ex was for him to be a dad to the children, as he always used to point out he left me not them, unfortunately 8 visits in 8 years he did leave them. My youngest is now 10 she has no recollection whatsoever of life with "dad".

The unfortunate thing is once you force their hands they tend to spite them selves or the children moreso.

If it is making your children ill, then it is not in their interest to be with him, and as for the fancy gifts and holidays, they can never account for the amount of love you give them. Gifts and holidays get forgotton, love is there a lifetime

You're doing absolutely the right thing. THink about it for a moment: your XP has been told that he is welcome to see his children if he is prepared to make a reasonable effort to do so, he has not ( i presume) been told he has to submit to drugs testing before he can see them, or travel hundreds of miles for contact visits, or anything like that. The court and the SS agree with you that his behaviour is unacceptable and is hurting his DC.
Finally, and most importantly, your DS doesn't want to see him. He has forfeited his son's love, which is terrible but it SERVES THE TOSSER RIGHT. Your children will be better off without repeated letdowns (is it the case that the wretched man cancels contact at short notice purely to mess up your arrangements? Is he one of those?) they do have a mum who loves them and they know that.

dont take any phone calls yourself.

dont put him thru to kids either unless they specifically ask to speak to him.

if you end up on phone (and i know how easy it is to get "caught" ) have your exit line ready - "i have to go now bye" and put the phone down.

or "speak to my solictior, bye" and put the phone down.

my nine year old dd also does not wish to see her dad, it is sad but i agree with what SGB says. it is HIS fault not yours.

Thanks everyone

He doesn't use drugs, but he does have a fair bit to travel to see the kids. He stays in England and I'm in Scotland. I'm not asking him to see them everyday or every weekend, I just want some routine and stability for them.
He owns his own company and does work up here quite alot, but he still doesn't come and see the kids.
My cpn said this morning that there is never gonna be a good time to do this which I know but it still feels like I'm the bad one.
He will probably have got his letter today so now its a waiting game.
I've got caller id so at least I can see who's calling and the kids have been told not to answer the phone.
Lawyer said if he starts his crap I've just to phone the police, she has given me her mobile number so if I need anything I can contact her.