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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

dd's dad and girlfriend

15 replies

incandescent · 09/12/2009 08:39

I know i'm being irrational, but can somebody please advise me on what to do?

DD is 5.5 months. Her dad and i are old uni pals and have never had a relationship, but he visits her once a month and sends £. He fell in love with a woman when i was pregnant , which was fine by me. However, we ended up sleeping together on his last visit which i would never ever have predicted. (it is also against my cardinal rules of sleeping with other women's men; i have no defense of this, it was wrong of me).
Now he informs me that his girlfriend will be with him when he visits dd over xmas and wants to meet DD.

I'm pissed off, even though in my heart of hearts I don't want him as a partner, i still feel ridiciously oversensitive about handing over my tiny baby to a potential stepmum. i also resent the fact that he announced it, rather than asked my permission. But I realise that there's no real harm to my child and it's his right to enjoy his child with whom he pleases.

I'm tempted to be at my parents' house that day so that at least i have all my family around me. he can't insist that she comes into my flat, can he? But if this is teh stepmother of my child, I don't want to start the relationship off badly. \there's more than a whiff of the 'woman scorned' on my part after the accidental shag, i realise. Y'all going to say that IABU, aren't you ?

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ElenorRigby · 09/12/2009 10:12

Hi incandescent.
FWIW I'm a step mum and I do not think you are being irrational at all but very considered and level headed.
With such a young baby its natural to be very protective of her! Hell my DD is 2 years and 3 months and she has yet to spend one night away from me yet, so yep I understand!
I think you are putting your DD first by realising the importance of your DD having a good relationship with her dad and a potential step mum. I think that's really great!
Dont be too hard on yourself yep you did make a mistake with sleeping with him, just draw a line under that. Id forget it as it could open up a can of worms!

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mmrred · 09/12/2009 18:59

What is it that you want from this guy? You need to think about the long-term future of your relationship with this person as the father of your child. Once a month is really not enough to establish a relationship with her - and if his g/f becomes your DD's stepmum, you want your DD to have a pleasant relationship with her, too, right?

So put the 'accidental' shag behind you and welcome them both in, get to know her and have a civillised time, then wave them both off as they take DD out and have a good cry if you need to - and maybe start thinking about getting out a bit and moving on from this (non) relationship?

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incandescent · 09/12/2009 22:21

thanks elenor, it's good to hear your perspective as a SM. I wouldn't want my DD to do overnights in the first 3 years, either.

mmred, I guess what i want from him is respect, and acknowledgement that I have bore him a beautiful daughter whom i am single-handedly raising, so of course I shd be consulted when he plans to introduce her to his girlfriends. and i don't understand why can't he wait until dd is one before these introductions. 5 months is awfully young to be paraded around women i don't know...

but you're right about long term relationships. i've concocted a new plan - i'll ask him to babysit and go out for a drink with her, at least that way i'll have met her before she meets my baby and he'll be a home shitting himself about what i'm going to tell her [i wouldn't]

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purpleduckUnderTheMistletoe · 09/12/2009 22:40

I think you should start as you mean to go on...just be straight that really, you need to meet people your dd is in contact with, or whatever your comfort level is.

Her father has seen her 5/6 times? This, in my eyes doesn't make him a parent. If you allow something you are not comfy with now, then how will it be when your dd is older?
I would put guidlines in place now.

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incandescent · 09/12/2009 22:51

yes purple, he came the day she was born, then one week later with his mum & brothers and then once a month since then. but he lives in hamburg, and i'm in bristol, so i guess he'd struggle to do much more.

but when you put it like that...he's only seen her 5/6 times in her life, then it is crazy that he shd expect me to just wave him and gf off with DD. After all, i'm about to start weaning, and he'll have no idea about her eating habits/ what to do if she chokes.

hmmm....i don't think being unreasonable. he needs to build up more of relationship before introducing girlfriend.

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purpleduckUnderTheMistletoe · 09/12/2009 23:12

Exactly!
And I think firm boundaries set now will protect your dd in the future. She may be happy now to be with whoever, but what about in a few years time? What if she's terrified of going off with virtual strangers, but meanwhile HE wants to take her off like he's always done? What if the girlfriend is a fruitbat?

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Heated · 09/12/2009 23:22

It can't do any harm to see dd in the bosom of her warm extended family, particularly if you feel supported by having them around. The visit will then be 'diluted' a bit too and ease the awkwardness over accidental shag/your unease about gf in stepmother role.

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SolidGoldpiginablanket · 10/12/2009 00:43

It is a bit tricky, but one way of looking at it is that your co-parent's GF will hopefully be another person in your DD's life to potentially love her. And the more love around a child, the better.
My situation is not unlike yours - my DS' dad is not my partner and wasn't when DS was conceived, we were longstanding drinking mates. My DS is 5 and we have a good co-parenting relationship which has, at times, included DS Dad having a girlfriend and indeed doing internet dating with a view to finding 'the mother of his future children'.
Given that your DD is still a baby and her dad by reasons of geography doesn't see her that often, it's not unreasonable of you to take things slowly WRT letting him take her off with his GF - it would be a matter of taking things slowly, with a baby that young and a dad who lives that far away, if he was single, after all.
It might well be a better idea to be with your family when dd's dad and GF visit, but only if you can trust your family to be friendly and welcoming to the GF. After all, it's not the easiest position for her to be in - and it is not her fault that you and your dd's father are not a couple, so try to make sure your family don't treat her as a wicked interloping man-stealing bitch.

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incandescent · 10/12/2009 22:40

Really interesting to hear your tale Solid. I'm encouraged that you've maintained a good relationship with your co-parent.

I think, having read all your thoughts, the best thing is for me to meet the GF and explain that DD is still very young to be going off without me, but that she mustn't feel threatened by me and that I wish them all the best.

Meanwhile, DD's dad should carry on seeing DD with me until she's been on solids for 3 months, cut a few teeth etc. His GF could come to DD's 1st birthday party, maybe, so like you say, Solid, it's diluted by lots of people. By then DD should recognise her dad and we will have set a precedent WRT us introducing new partners into DD's life.

I think that's reasonable to everybody - sets her mind at rest if she meets me and hopefully doesn't think I'm the devil incarnate, reassures him that the meeting will happen in the future, makes me feel better, but most importantly, shows that DD comes first at all times.

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harimosmummy · 10/12/2009 23:33

def. meet with GF first.

i met dh's ex before meeting the kids... best thing i did!!!

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SolidGoldpiginablanket · 10/12/2009 23:38

Incandescent: well for one thing it sounds like the dad is not a bad person - just someone with whom you would not happily pairbond, so it is reasonably likely that his GF is a nice person too (ie this is not a situation of you not being with a child's father because child's father is vile/abusive/an addict) so it's also reasonably likely that both he and his GF will be willing to take things slowly and consider everyone's feelings.
These situations are not always easy, partly because it's such uncharted territory, but it is possible to get along very amicably with a co-parent who isn't a partner, particularly if the DC was concieved when you were not a couple and therefore there has been no bitter breakup to deal with.

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spookycharlotte121 · 10/12/2009 23:54

I agree with the others. if your dd has only met her dad a handfull of times it would be unfair on her and you to let him take her off for a few hours.

I also think its a good idea to meet his gf. I think she will feel much more comfortable and it will give you some peace of mind too.

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harimosmummy · 11/12/2009 12:38

Incandenscent:

Having been through something reasonably similar (DSD2 was 11months), this is what we did:

I met with DH's ex first
Then we had a series of meetings where Dh's ex would bring the kids and DH and I would come and go together (so the kids getting used to me and DH being together and also that they and mummy were 'together')
Then DH's ex would drop the kids off to us in, say, a coffee shop and then come and pick them back up from there.

Following on from that, the kids came to us for a day, followed by a weekend etc.,

i think that there are a lot of plus points for this:

It requires input / effort from all parties, so the NCP can show that they are committed to making the situation work.

2. It allows the children to slowly adjust to a new situation and make sure that they feel comfortable with the adults who will be caring for them.
3/ It allows the adults to adjust to each other and (hopefully) able to have the relationship the children need them to have.

Now, I'm afraid my own experience doesn't really have the best of endings... DH's ex has done EVERYTHING to disrupt / derail / stop all meaningful contact (other than bill paying - she is VERY good at forwarding bills to us) but i believe that this is the best way forward for you.

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SolidGoldpiginablanket · 11/12/2009 21:39

Yes, making this work does depend on everyone not being a dipshit. If the GF turns out to be a silly insecure twat who has to keep on making a big deal about the fact that she is with your DD's dad then it might get a bit wearing for you - but hopefully she won't be one of those. I do occasionally wonder how things will go should my DS dad actually find himself a partner and go on to have more DC - as it is, we do a certain amount of 'family' stuff together such as me going to his parents golden wedding party with DS, and spending Xmas with them last year, negotiations would get more complex if he gets a new partner. (FWIW I don't actually think it's all that likely, DS dad, like me, is one of the world's inherently single people - but at the same time I don't want to get too complacent about it, there are no guarantees).

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MaggieAnFiaRua · 12/12/2009 23:02

hard to watch your x begin again when you have a baby. I really feel for you.

on the plus side, at least your dd's dad isn't an abusive bully who would stick needles in his eyes before contributing.... Try and focus on the positives of the situation. But I bet it would be hard. Being around any two people who are loved up can be hard.