Social services assessment - anything to worry about?

[northlondonmumma]

I have posted on here before about my abusive xp and who can be very unreasonable and has on various occasions been verbally abusive to me in front of my young children.

After being split for 6 months, he still is unable to pay any money towards us, cannot be pinned down on contact times and sometimes ens putting me down and shouting at me in front of kids.

I feel i have tried really hard to come to informal arrangements betweeen us for him to see the kids (for their benefit) but have been unable. The kids are always excited to see him and although his behaviour has been unacceptable at times, i dont feel its been fair to ban him seeing the kids as he is very nice to them

last weekend he was very nasty to me as i dared to go out after waiting around for him for 2 hours and tried to headbut me in front of the kids. I thought enough is enough and told the police.

Following on from that the social services called me and said they needed to do an assessment. I said that was fine and would really appreciate any assistance. The guy on the phone was quite curt with me and said he was really concerned.

I thought (maybe naively) they could help me but his tone was fairly accusatory.

Does anyone know anything about these assessments / anything i should be concerned about?

Sorry to hear about the bother you're having with your xp. Just remeber you're the one who has been putting the kids first, despite the hostility from him.

As far as I kno all social services would receive would be a note of a 'domestic incident' so may not kno all the circumstances. Be honest with them as it's the best way for them to help.

hope all works out for best

The fact that you left your exp shows that you are putting your dcs first and are doing your best to protect them. That's what ss will be looking for.

However, ss will probably express some concern that the current arrangements are not safe - your dcs shouldn't be in a position where they may witness violence.

Sounds to me that you might be better off making arrangements for the dcs to see your exp in a contact centre. You don't have to have a court order to do so. If you google contact centres in your area, you can talk to them directly. It might be a good idea to do so before ss call round - again, you're showing that you are protecting your dcs.

I had an assessment from a sw and it was great - she told me I had done brilliantly to leave exp and was clearly doing my best for my dd. I think the tone of the visit will depend on the sw who comes, but it needn't be a bad experience. You are trying to do the right thing for your dcs, but it does look as though the contact arrangements will have to change.

agree with others - the issue is child protection and what are you doing to keep them safe?

you dont need to be defensive because you are doing everything you can.... tell SSS the informal isnt working and you would liek their help to set up contact centre arrangements .

unless you feel that a third party ahding kids over would work then
contact centre is way forward for now.

in north london there is the accord centre kilburn and one in muswell hill - i believe muswell hill one is voluntary run therefore not expensive

there is also one somewhere round tottenham - try www.naccc.org.uk/

but accord is expensive if you self funding. hence it might be best to go thru court system...

if informal arrangements dont work then you need to make formal ones - either thru mediation (try institute of family therapy in euston which offers mediation for separated couples ) or by taking it to court - i did this by applying for residence order.

not sure how mumsnet works for contacting but am in north london and happy to share experiences...

Hello there. Sounds like you're having a worrying time. I think the thing to keep in mind is that if your ex is abusing you (verbally or otherwise) in front of your children, then he isn't being nice to them. He's emotionally abusing them and that ISN'T your fault. I work in domestic abuse service provision and I know how damaging it is for children to witness these things. Your priority has to be protecting your children and yourself. Social services should be supporting you in this. You could also contact your local womens aid group for support. Good luck.

Hey, I can empathise with you.

Firstly, well done on leaving your xp. It takes a lot to leave an abusive relationship. However, you don't need to be in a relationship with someone for them to be able to abuse you. And unfortunately, by him abusing you in front of the children, he is also abusing the children. It's a complex subject.

As you phoned the police to report a domestic incident, social services would have been informed. The visit will be to assess the risk that social services feel the children are under. Please, be honest with them, as the children are not at risk from you, just the ex. You may be able to gain advice about contact centres and supervised contact from the social worker.

I know how nerve wracking this is, sweetheart, but they are there to help you. I am, however, concerned about the fact ytou commmented on the curtness of the man who phoned. This might be worth raising as an issue. You're not the oone in the wrong.

Good luck with everything.

Thank you for all replies. I am constantly touched on this site that people take the time to respond in a meaningful way to others and lend their support.

I wanted to let people know what happened in case this was of interest to others. A worker came around and she was very helpful in suggesting mediation and that xp agrees with me how he behaves in fromt of the kids and when he comes etc, she also said that I could not let him in the family home.

He is majorly unhappy with me and in his head seems to have turned it around to me doing something to him. He is also trying to suggest /make veiled threats that the ss might take the kids away if i do anything wrong (like if one has an accident and ends up in a & e) - clearly am not falling for this paranoid rubbish my parenting isnt is question here. the thing that seems to have made him v angry is not being allowed in the family home. i do feel bad that he cant bath / put the kids to bed here but completely take on board what the social services said about this.

anyway i really hope that ss can support this and speak to him ...otherwise will end up in a worse situation!!

Hi northlondonmumma, so glad the ss visit was less scary than you anticipated. It sounds as though your ex is still trying to intimidate you though. I don't know why the sw suggested mediation, as it's often not considered appropriate when there's domestic abuse involved. In fact, if the mediator feels that you are being intimidated by your x in or out of the sessions, then they may call a halt to the process.

I'm glad you are not falling for his rubbish about ss taking the kids from you. Trust me - ss have to have clear evidence and proof of serious abuse or neglect before they will remove children from their mother.

Also please do not feel bad that he can't come into the family home to help care for the children. This is NOT your fault. He is completely responsible for this state of affairs. It is his behaviour that has resulted in ss taking this decision.

One word of warning: ss will take a dim view if you do now let him into the family home. Stick to your guns. Remember what he forced your kids to witness. Sending you loads of moral support.

rather than mediation -which as was pointed out is not recommended where there has been abusive/controlling beahviour - i woudl suggest you go thru court system to get a court ordered CAFCASS family group conference set up -
see

www.cafcass.gov.uk/Docs/FGC%20policy%20Sept%2008.doc

we had one ordered and it sounded really good - dcs were very keen for it to happen, and to eb aprt of agreeing a "contract" to be signed by all....

unfortunately ex did not want to attend and said he "didnt see the point" - which just went against him in court.

but i felt the set up was much more focused on the dcs - what they wanted from contact with their dad or not - and kept it very official.

for 2 years exP had been demanding i go see a mediator he had chosen - i had spoken to her on phone and was taken aback by her atititude of "the kids need their daddy" regardless of any issues!

anyway i did (on advice of family therapist) actually say that if he set it up paid for it and arranged and paid for the babysitter i would go - but he never organised that...

link to cafcass leaflet - i would say keep cafcass involved, keep it focused on the children.

www.cafcass.gov.uk/PDF/Family_Group_Conference_Service.pdf

and if court ordered it would be free...

Thanks cestlavielife that does sound like a good option. My children are too little to be involved with the oldest being 3 but still if it is more official perhaps i try that if mediation is not accepted by him or doesnt work.

You said if court ordered it is free. Does that mean I would need to apply to court for a residence order or specific contact order for him and then request that? if not, any idea as to how that would work?

My only issue with going the court route is the cost. Because of my earnings I am not entitled to legal aid. At the same time I do not have the odd £3k plus lying around to spend on solicitors fees and court application (esp as I foor every bill as exp pays nothing and even asks to borrow money from time to time (which dont do any more!)

court application itself is in region of £150 - solicitor appearing in court with you eg three hours at say £120 per hour - but yes it adds up.

but if informal way doesnt work then i dont see any other option really....

if you go to emdiation sessions you could pay £120 per session and end up with soemthing that is not legally binding...

that is part of reason why i went court route.

family conference voluntary and not binding as such -but would have been preferable and i felt more formal than paid for mediation. and focused on the children - whereas mediation session would have been about me versus him in a way...

in any case he refused to attend family meet so i have final court order and that is that. he is trying to come round to my hosue (i wont let him) and not taking repsonsibility for his kids at all -so contact is becoming less and less but is all his own doing...
but kids older so slightly different.