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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

can XH pay less maintenance if he buys DD new shoes?

16 replies

mummyfantastico · 29/11/2009 19:33

XH has just told me that he thinks DD needs new shoes and that if he bought some for her he would give me the receipt and give me that amount less next month. Does anyone know if he can do this?
I will take her for new shoes tomorrow but I'm worried that in the future he will just decide to buy her something he thinks she needs and reduce the payment.
Thanks!

OP posts:

spookycharlotte121 · 29/11/2009 19:35

no im pretty sure he cant do this..... the money is supposed to be used at your discression on his.

bamboostalks · 29/11/2009 19:38

That is unbelievable, it is his child. How incredibly sad to be so tight and begrudge your own child a pair of shoes. It makes me sick.

Original poster

mummyfantastico · 29/11/2009 19:47

I know, he is such an arse at times. He also told me that she is not allowed to wear dressing up clothes to his house and that I put them on her to embarrass him (she is 6, chooses her own clothes and had leggings underneath and a hoodie on top so was warm enough which was his first complaint), she is not allowed to wear her winter coat because it has no hood (it is warm and water proof, and usually she can use a hat or umbrella, if it is really bad she wears a proper rain coat), the real reason he doesn't like the coat is because it is quite garish purple with pink fluffy lining and he has told her she looks like a pimp
Thanks for the replies, I was under the impression that the csa amount is the MINIMUM that he has to pay, and that some men pay more on top.

OP posts:

ElenorRigby · 29/11/2009 20:43

Child maintenance is supposed to provide for everyday living costs.
So just buy her the shoes tomorrow and steal his thunder.

FabIsVeryLucky · 29/11/2009 20:45

He has told her she looks like a pimp?

Original poster

mummyfantastico · 29/11/2009 21:02

He has told her that she looks like a pimp, he has told DD1 who is 12 that she and her friends look dress like prostitutes, and when DD1 wanted to help with his new baby he told her that she would probably be a mum by the time she was 14.

OP posts:

Janos · 29/11/2009 22:26

Well doesn't he sound delightful! I can't imagine why you split up with him. Your poor DD having to listen to such filth

I think ElenorRigby's idea is a good one. Buy the shoes yourself, if you can afford it.

mamas12 · 30/11/2009 09:30

What a mean spirited man.
What you do with your money is no business of his.
My ex asked the mediator if there was any way he could know what I was spending 'his' money on and she just told him that apart from being impossible to police that it was up to my discression where I saw fit to spend my money.
He did once buy a pair of football boots once and told me over the phone and before he had a chance to say anything else I jumped in with 'They're great, he loves them' and that was that.
If YOU think she needs new shoes you buy them, if he tell you to get something for dcs don't automatically get them because he told you to. If he really wanted dc to look diferent when they are with him it is up to him to buy those things isn't it?

Original poster

mummyfantastico · 30/11/2009 17:36

Well, we went to buy shoes and her feet haven't grown so I said no more shoes and she told the ladies in the shop that daddy would be cross with mummy
It's not that I can't afford to buy her new shoes,money is tight but we do fine, or that I don't want to get them when she needs them. I just don't want him to start buying random things and take it off the pittance he pays me for maintenance, which he tells me he can do and that he knows all about it because he is a police officer
He went on to have a go at me over many things last night, including telling me I was a bad mum and that I don't look after the girls properly, based on the fact he thought she needed new shoes and that I let her have jam sandwiches in her school lunch (seriously)

OP posts:

oldraver · 30/11/2009 21:14

Does he pay you directly or through the CSA ? If it through CSA he will have to pay the amount they say (though realise some Dads dont). If its privatly you will have to inform him that if he attempts to reduce the amount you will have to go through them

Tell him he CAN NOT reduce your maintenance even if he ids a police officer

mamas12 · 30/11/2009 21:20

Well you will have start standing up to him
What a terrible thing to involve his dd in all this though that is stooopid. How dare he use her like that.
I would have a word in his here and tell him off for using and emotionally abusing the dcs in that manner and to stop it.

piratecat · 30/11/2009 21:23

what a totally selfish and ignorant man.

i hate this sort of ex. mean and arrogant.

Original poster

mummyfantastico · 30/11/2009 21:39

Not through the CSA because court order was less than a year ago so have to wait a couple more months to be able to make a claim.
I have tried standing up to him, but he just talks over me and tells me I have to listen to him and goes on and on and on. I phoned once to ask a quick, non confrontational question and he spent over an hour telling me how horrible I was.
He is a nasty, spiteful bully and I think he is getting worse.

OP posts:

mamas12 · 30/11/2009 22:52

Why did you listen to him on the phone
You don't have to you know
You can say I don't need/want to listen/argue about this now so I am hanging up and will ring you another time.
Why not just keep contact through email and text?
Please disengage and you will find the strength to stick up for yourself and your dcs more.
Stop talking to him in person and just do it by email.

Original poster

mummyfantastico · 01/12/2009 09:43

Sorry, should've said that phone call was not long after he left when I was still missing him and loved him. I was just using it show his pointless and useless perseverance in not letting me get my point across. These days I would just tell him I was going.
Now I try and avoid speaking to him, and it is mainly texts when necessary. I suppose I just want to get on with him for the girls sake and stupidly keep thinking that surely it must be long enough now since we split for him to be able to be civil.
Any advice on how to convince him that bullying the kids is not only bad for them but will not do him any favours either?

OP posts:

hobbgoblin · 01/12/2009 09:50

I am interested in this thread (have just posted link to DP) because- though it doesn't seem to apply to this scenario ( at pimp comment) - w ehave a simialr issue with DP's ex wife and their children.

The ex wife in our situation has a propensity to drink lots of wine on a day to day basis, as well as go out an awful lot for which she requires new shoes, clothes, hairdos and so on. The children go to school with shoes with holes and arrive at weekends with summer clothes in winter, no coats, no boots when wet and muddy, etc. etc.

DP has decided to suggest buying the much needed items and reducing the maintenance payment as there seems no other way of ensuring the children are properly kitted out.

Personally, I feel that he should keep supplies of gear for the DC at his place as well as sitting down with her and talking about the core issues but it is very hard to make progress as I think she is quite dependent on her lifestyle. So, in our case I can see justification for withholding part payment.

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