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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Am in a terrible state

31 replies

alwaysindoubt · 29/11/2009 09:11

It's been about two months now since I ended my marriage. I'm sure it was the right thing to do but I am finding it very hard. I am sad, the children are sad. I feel lonely and stressed. I can't believe it. I am full of fears for the future. How does one ever get over it? How does one ever help children through it? It's just so awful.

OP posts:
rocketone · 01/12/2009 13:57

p.s More misery/emotional torture/shock experienced by me.

Nightmare ex alienated daughter and completely destroyed my career, social life and wealth.

Second partner and mother of my son became badly ill and is no longer with my son and me.

fought three repossessions and evictions as fraudulent banks milked me of half a million squids.

Still fighting latest repossession.

My mother died yesterday Nov 30th 2009.

My father hovers in the same place at ninety three.

Life's a tricky business, but I'm surviving !

alwaysindoubt · 03/12/2009 17:43

Great idea from Rocketone.
Hanaban, it sounds as if we are at about the same place.
I am feeling a little bit better. Partly because right when I was thinking it was all my fault and wishing I could change things, I had a conversation with my ex and was reminded of how little we got on.It was that awful thign of always having one's feelings discredited and the worst possible view taken of one's behaviour or words.
So, I finally posted off the divorce papers. Next stage.

OP posts:
secretskillrelationships · 03/12/2009 22:56

Am feeling pretty similar. Children a mess. DD (9) doesn't want anything for Christmas as 'what's the point'. I'm not exactly a lover of Christmas myself as my (also separated parents) used to start in about October with the 'where to spend Christmas' debate with no right answer.

Did brilliantly to start with, energy up and felt good about life. Three months on feel crap. Childern rotate their moods so it feels as if one is always struggling. There are no 'good times' to balance the struggle. Have gone back to work but now feels as if it was too soon as struggling to get through the day, being oversensitive to any perceived criticism.

Couldn't have stayed in the relationship - shouldn't have stayed as long as I did. But can't believe that he was so willing to walk away without making any effort at all. He's also not worked for over a year and now I'm beginning to worry about money. Have already had to cash in what was to have been my pension just to put a roof over our heads.

Moved last summer and have no real friends here. Realise that all my energy went into trying to save my marriage, support my children and cope day to day. Wish I'd spared some for looking after my own needs/friendships.

Apologies, didn't mean to hijack but obviously needed to vent!

HanBanan · 04/12/2009 13:48

Yeah me too....wish I'd not dedicated myself to my ex. He seems to have left far too easily. He was a lazy sod and now lives rent-free with his parents. With a new girlfriend etc.

I'm going to vent too because actually I feel quite angry about all this. Talking bout friends etc...Everyone I know keeps saying 'it's a shame you two split up, he's a nice bloke and good with his child'. That really pisses me off because actually I put up with 4 years of emotional abuse from this guy.

I don't want to talk to anyone about how bad it was because it makes me look like a liar but I would like them to know, if that makes sense. I want justice...but I won't get it.

So here goes my little rant about what a shithead he was:

every other day I was called a 'f...ing C u next tuesday' or 'f...ing idiot'

I hated stepping in and then cleaning up his various drunken messes in the morning.(yeah, he used to wee all over the furniture/floors/sink/cot/hoover/my computer uuucckkk) He seemed to think this was funny, after all it wasn't his fault he was sleepwalking. Yeh-but try not getting so drunk!

or asking him why he hadn't brought his wages home again

or why was he going to the pub again etc etc.

He even cleaned out the little savings I was putting into a pot for our daughter.

In all the years I lived with him he probably helped out with the rent as many weeks as I can count on my hands.

I worked a lot of hours with no holidays. Including my pregnancy and 2 weeks after birth. Hernia....

I suppose a lot of it is embarassing. Why the hell did I put up with it? Because he promised me he would change, that he loved me, or I was overemotional (it's just builders talk) or I thought he is nice sometimes.

Consequently his new girlfriend (a 'friend' of mine) has no idea what he's like and I feel really pissed off that everyone seems to think he's great and I'm left in a very insecure situation with a young child and hardly any chances to get out let alone meet someone else.

I went out the other night and it was brilliant to let my hair down, but now I feel crappy again because yet again people were singing his praises about how great a father is. I didn't want to talk about him - they brought it up. They did say I'm 'lovely' etc but that didn't help.

We had the same social group so now I feel very isolated and don't feel I can speak to any of my old friends about what I went through with him, they won't believe me.

It's like I am supposed to just forget the past and act normal. But my life has changed completely and although it's nice to have a more tranquil existance it would be nice not to fell like I've dropped off the side of the world...

Does this get better? I hope so. It seems to be a bit like a rollercoaster, sometimes I'm happy then suddenly it all comes rushing back.

Rant over with, glad I could moan about it because I needed to get it off my chest!!

alwaysindoubt · 04/12/2009 18:26

Oh dear ladies. Vent away? Why not. I do all the time. I think I want to hurry the getting over it phase. My children have gone to stay tonight with their dad and that feels very very strange. I have made arangements to go out because I thought being at home would distess me too much.

I know I couldn't live with him for much longer. He would have left anyway in time. I reckon he feels pleased to be shot of me too. What I find hard is being this single mother person. That and the children's distress.

Helpful things for me include:

exercise
wine (sorry but it does)
talking with friends
earning extra money

What about you guys? Does anything help at all?

OP posts:
HanBanan · 05/12/2009 09:23

The wine is a good one! Good glass of vino...And chocolate.
I had a good cleanout of the flat and rearranged everything to the way I wanted it.
Bought some new bedsheets and picture frames etc.Bought some new clothes I can't really afford.
Died my hair.
Planted some flowers in my window boxes. Thinking of making some cheap wall-art.

I donated some baby clothes and a cot that were taking up space to a local orphanage (I live in Spain) and actually I'm thinking whilst work is a bit slow for me this time of the year to do a bit of voluntary charity work. They were really grateful and you can't beat that feelin.

Just find it hard to get myself motivated!!

Hope you had a good night out...well deserved I'd say.

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