Absent daddy... does it make a toddler clingy to mummy?

[harimosmummy]

Hi,

Just wondering if you can help me.

I have two kids, DS (18MO) and DD (4mo). I live alone all week and DH comes home at weekends to see the kids.

But, EOW, we have DSDs (11YO and 15YO) so on those weekends, he doesn't really spend that much time with my kids as he is busy with his elder kids.

DS has just started nursery (2 sessions a week) and is really struggling bring left.
he is fine if I leave DD too, but not good on his own.

Nursery are wondering if it's because DH leaves on a Sunday night and it's me who deals with everything DS needs (Even on a weekend, I change nappies, I do feeds, I do bedtime etc)

Is that a possibility? I really need DS to settle in nursery, just to give me a little time with DD.

Help, please!!!

why would dh leaving on sundays - which is well establsihed routine - have anything to do with being left at nursery? not helpful of nursery to bring up something you cannot change...

lots of toddlers take time to settle into nursery.

has he been left with other carers before on his own, baby sitters or?

how long does he cry for when you leave him? or does he display more disturbing behaviour never before seen by nursery? why are they amking a big issue of it - he has jsut started nursery it is pretty typical ....

how do you say goodbye?

how do you deal with it?
how do staff deal with it?

is he easily distracted by staff after?

DH has never been about. DS has been with me, on my own, since birth.

he doesn't settle, at all. it doesn't seem to matter how long I leave him.

He's never been left with anyone else.

he doesn't do anything out of the ordinary. he just won't settle.

cestlavielife is right - lots of kids take time to settle at nursery.

If you cannot change what you think is the cause (agree it's not helpful of nursery to lay blame) then you need to look at other things.

A friend of mine's baby was traumatised by his nursery's doorbell - odd but true. So the nursery changed the 'ring-tone'.

That's an odd example but what I mean is, you really need your nursery to buy in to this too, to help.

Are you 100% happy with the nursery? We all know how perceptive kids are - they're like killer dogs, they can smell your fear!

Seriously - if you're approaching nursery with trepidation (and who could blame you - knowing it upsets your child?) but they'll pick up on that. They'll sense your fear/concern and even if they don't know what it is they'll expect something bad is going to happen - because Mummy's worried.

Try to be really positive - ostentatiously so. Talk positively about nursery before and after you drop them off there. Silly things that they can look forward to like a special toy, friend or food they have there.

Even though they're very little explain it to them and explain when you'll be back to collect them. Obviously they have no concept of time so "At 4o'clock won't mean much" but "After your nap" or "After dinner" eetc. might help.

Also, get the nursery to help with routine. Your child won't be the first (or last) they've had that won't settle. Get them to ensure the same carer always 'collects' your child from you - in a happy "yay" way etc.

And finally the firework test - never, ever go back. Once you've left, stay out until collection time. If you go back it just confuses them and/or torments them. Good as nursery is it's not as good as Mum/Dad - it's like taunting them with their favourite toy if you linger or go back.

It's heart-breaking to walk away - but it really is for the best and definitely worth it.

My son took a while to settle at his nursery - but now when I drop him off he runs into the room SO excited and happy - it's practically me getting a bit moopy at the door! .... .

Daddyblog
My blog: daaddy.wordpress.com - a silly look at life as a 21st century Dad

Agree with others this sounds more of a nursery problem than anything connected to DH - TBH he doesn't sound like he is having a huge impact on DS's life yet (not being rude but at 18mo they don't have a clue about the world not under their noses!!!).

My two started at nursery at 26 mo, had each other (twins) and had been previously left with DH, my parents, a part-time nanny reasonably often. One still cried every drop off for the first 6 weeks. I posted on here, and the response was that this is totally normal. The nursery were great at helping them settle in, and last week I went on an outing with them, which they loved (altho my DS said 'mummy, you go home now, not at nursery'!!).

I think you need to speak to the nursery about their plan for helping your DS to settle. They have much more experience than you do in this area. If they are not very interested, then I would question if it's the right place for DS. I know you don't want to hear that (I can only imagine how desperate you are for a chink of time with DD alone!!!!) but might be better in the long run.

Do you go to any P&T groups together, where DS could get used to playing on his own but with you still in the room?

My husband lives with us all week and my son is still clingy and cries being dropped off at creche. lol I don't think your husband's absence can be solely blamed on your son's clingy-ness ;)