Feeling annoyed about exp doing nothing to see dd....

[waitingforbetterdays]

Exp has not seen dd from july. He called my mum about a month ago saying he will do anything to see her. And is there anything she needs he will buy it.

My mum said she will arrange contact between dd and exp as I do not want contact due to his controlling behaviour in the past. But I did speak to exp before agreeing to let him start seeing dd again and arranged to let him have her mondays. And informed him in future he should go through my mum regarding contact.

Then when my mum text him on the sunday to arrange for them to meet up he did not reply untill the next day. He was being very rude and saying we are playing games and it should be dd's mother and father that talk to arrange contact etc etc... So to me it does not sound like it is soooo important for him to see dd, or he would not mind arranging it thorugh my mum or anyone as long as he sees her.

When I did speak to him he was just going on and on about things he wants like for dd to have his surname etc. When if I was him I wuld just be glad to see her after having no contact atall for months.

Now I am feeling really pissed off, as he does not seem bothered. He created this child with me and does not take any responsibilty for her. If I need any help atall I have to ask my family members to help out with dd. He does nothing atall.

Sorry if this does not make sense, I feel like I am rambaling. But I am just sooo tired of being the only parent who cares for dd and looks after her...

he is the one playing games. just ignore him.

you made an arangement - he messed it up/failed to turn up. his problem not yours.

you have to pick up pieces if child asks but just be honest.

It seems very much as though it's not that he wants to see DD but he wants to harass you. As others have said, keep a diary, put as much in writing as possible (print out emails etc) but refuse direct contact with him if he's abusive. He may well threaten court proceedings (in order to upset and worry you further, again, rather than to benefit DD), but if you can demonstrate that you have been reasonable and he hasn't, it will get him nowhere.

Thank you for the replies. Well I was surprised on Friday that I had a call from his solicitor to arrange the supervised contact that I offered a whole year ago. And to ask for my new address so that she can send me some paperwork to take me to court regarding child contact.

I am glad he is finally doing something but cannot believe it would take a whole year for his solicitor to get to this stage? When any time I spoke to him he said he was pushing as much as possible. So can only think that he was not pushing atall and has recently decided to sort this out.

Has anyone got any experience of going to court over access with an exp that has been found guitly in court of harassing you? I know every case is different but am just starting to wonder how much say he will now have over our lives. And how much contact he will get with dd?

Any advice welcome. But I will speak to my solicitor today if I manage to get hold of her.

cestlavielife - when you say be honest doyou mean to dd? She is only 2 and when she asks where is daddy after seeing a photograph of him, I would find it hard to tell her he is a looser that lives 15mins away and doesn't see you as cannot be bothered to sort it out if it is not all on his terms.

I feel like when she is older it would still be hard to tell the truth as would not want to upset her.

It is a bit ackward to jump from 0 contact to ask the court for a residence order, normally you would get there after it couldn't be negotiated amicably or via mediation.

Try to talk to CAB or a solicitor (first half an hour is free), so once you get the letter you know where you stand. Don't forget to mention that your ex doesn't have parental responsibility for your child (I'm assuming that because you said she doesn't have his surname).

Also ask the solicitor about child maintenance, download a parenting plan so you can start thinking about how would you like this contact and other stuff being dealt with if you are going to be co parenting.

And one thing, don't press him to have more contact than he wants. If he is somewhat unreasonable and you do the work for both, it may end up working against you.

well if she is 2 then just say daddy is busy, see daddy soon, see daddy another day - she will then go off and play.

later when she older if you make an arrangement or your mum does and he breaks it tell the truth - daddy said he would come but he didnt. tehr eality is people let you down. they need to learn that - learn who can they trust who they cannot? why pretend.

but not so much an issue right now as she only 2.

if youe ex is named on birth certificate then he has PR alreadsy.

dont worry too much jsut wait for letter and let your solicitor ahndle it. if it goes to court fine because you can state about the harassment and your concerns and why contact needs to go thru third party.

if you agree supervised ocntat at contact centre - or specific arrangemnts with your mum - and he then doesnt turn up then it iwll look bad for him.

keep detailed records buy a notebook or diary to record when arrangements were made, if he turned up etc.

He is not named on the birth certificate, as he would not put his name down as her father if I did not give her his surname or a double barrelled name. But I chose not to as he was not there for me very much through out the pregnancy.

Thanks for the advice, I will start keeping a diary. But I'm sure I've read on here before that it is ok for the dad not to turn up and he wont get in trouble but the mother has to make the child available for him to see if he bothers to turn up.

I think that the best way to avoid problems with showing up etc is to say things like: She will be able for pick up from XX:00 to XX:20 if you have not shown up after the end of this period the visit would be cancelled. As he doesn't even show up in a birth certificate as her father I can't imagine you getting in serious trouble for that.

And as for your girl... well if he is so unreliable and considering how young she is, I wouldn't upset her with things like "your daddy was meant to come and didn't show up" that is as bad as for his father not showing up (no matter how true that is). Perhaps it would suffice not to mention anything if he shows up fantastic, if he doesn't... no harm done to her.

You can't miss what you do not know or never had, so she may be asking questions about her father, but don't think that those questions have the depth or emotional charge as they would if they were asked by an adult or by an older child. Be kind to yourself, the girl will be fine.

able=available!