Am I making the right decision?

[graceandthalia]

So... some background is probably a good idea as I am a "newbie"!
I fell pregnant with my daughter within a very unhappy and mentally abusive relationship. My ex is very heavily into drugs, which I admit I was as well. (before my pregnancy, PLEASE NOTE!) We stayed together for a few months of me being pregnant, but he made it clear that he had no intention of changing his lifestyle, I was the one who was pregnant afterall, not him. I found it hard to understand how he couldn't give up everything for her, let alone the drugs.

I moved in with my Mum, who was offering me the love and support that I needed and wasn't getting from him. I then realised that I didn't HAVE to stay with him, which I'd convinced myself I had. I ended the relationship and left everything on amicable terms, but asked for some space and lack of stress throughout pregnancy to avoid anything bad happening. From there on out he vowed to make my life a living hell, and did. He couldn't stand that I'd chosen to move on with my life and do things my way. He harassed me, turned up on my doorstep, threatened to report me once my daughter was born as I was "unstable". I suffer from depression, and according to him, this left me incapable of raising a child. I spent my whole pregnancy scared of him turning up on the doorstep, ringing my phone, ringing my family/friends.

I made the decision that I didn't want him to be a part of my Daughter's life. He never wanted to help with the costs of a new baby, and has not given a single penny towards anything. He is still taking numerous drugs, from what is phished from facebook (thanks be to open profiles and stalking) and living a lifestyle that I don't think is suitable for a parent.

Anyway, he has applied for parental responsibility and to be on her birth certificate, which I want to fight, as well as access. I'm scared of what she may come into contact with around him, and more importantly, that he will become bored and then just abandon her. Is it better to try and avoid her getting hurt in the long run, or am I setting myself up for being the bad guy in the future? I feel like I'm doing the right thing, but what do YOU trusty mums think?!

get yourself a decent solicitorquick smart.
if you can't get legal aid,then go to citizens advbice bureau.

apply for injunction and residency orders,

is he on birth certificate?

it all sounds like bluff and bluster to me; he sounds exactly like x,he uses control methods like that too

you will be fine sweetheart

unlikely you will be able to stop contact but make sure it is supervised.

if he is going to put on good face and say he wants to be a good father and can present well, then the court will come down on side of father seeing his daughter.

but you could ask for contact centre intially to be used. research what is available near you - see www.naccc.org.uk/cms2/index.php

is it you stalking him on facebook to get evidence? not sure that will be permitted in court.... what real evidence do you have of his lifestyle?

but you can show you are well supported by your mother and provide stable home for your child. depression doesnt have to be a hindrance if it well controlled and you show you seek appropriate help when needed and that you have the right support.

in meantime record all text/email contact - preferably dont have any contact with him and do it all thru solicitor.

He has gone to the trouble of applying to be named on his childs birth cert which at least shows some commitment.

You do realise that PR would probably be awarded anyway? You can delay it by not agreeing to his name on the birth certificate but you have no grounds for a court to make an order preventing him from being named.
Even if you registered the child without him present, he can apply for the birth certificate to be amended.

Why fight the small stuff and create more stress for yourself?

Agree to his name on the certificate, he will automatically have PR anyway. Arrange for supervised contact (its recommended that very small children have contact "little and often" with non resident parents) and see how it goes.
If he really is as big a screw up as you say he is then he won't stick around for long.
If however he pulls his socks up then your chid will have the advantage of two loving parents in their life.

please go and see solicitor

Please go to see a solicitor. It is worth the expense (and you would get the first half an hour free anyway).

In principle, fantastic he wants parental resopnsibility. In reality, if that means he is going to make the next 18 years of your life ABSOLUTE hell. Fight it.

Years ago I would have shut myself for saying something like that. Now that I have a taste of what an absolute hell life can be with a psychotic ex.... I understand.

judging my what SIL is going through with her soon to be Ex I'd fight it tooth and nail.

I saw a solicitor when i was pregnant. He was constantly harassing me and telling me that he had a right to be there when i gave birth, and that i was breaking the law by not having him with me at appointments etc. I'm intelligent enough to know that he was talking through his bum, but he controlled and manipulated me and every insecurity i had for two years to make me believe there was truth in it.

My mum eventually contacted the police because he was constantly calling the house phone and her mobile, (i changed mine so he could no longer contact me). I was actually with the police officer when labour started! But they actually have copies of all emails, letters, times of phonecalls and text messages. As well as times that he has turned up- bearing in mind he lives 70 miles away and doesn't drive.

As far as i can gather from what my solicitor has said, because of the drugs and the fact i won't spend a second with him, contact would have to be in a supervised centre, which there are few of here, and they are BUSY. Apparently i can ask for a drugs test, as i know that he will obviously deny doing a thing wrong. I just know that he is going to try and do everything to make my life hard if he gets PR, including trying to stop me fulfilling my dream of one day getting to Edinburgh university.

Also, things on Facebook do include him talking about taking drugs, as well as photos of him lying in pools of his own vomit laughing, 2 days before T was born.

Everything has gone very quiet from him. I don't know whether he is giving up or whether what he is doing takes time. 95 per cent of me thinks that I'm absolutely doing the right thing, but there is that little part that wonders if i should give him a chance. I just couldn't bear to see him ever hurt my perfect little poppet :-( It is HARD.

get you solicitor to apply for a residencey order in your favour, that way even if he gets PR, it will be clearly set out the residencey and contact issues - this will also bring contact issues to fore, ask for supervised only and get CAFCASS involved. this will also drag it all out.... which my not be a bad thing.

insist on supervised contact at contact centre, however long it takes to get a place.

Good advice from Cestlavie. Although I'm not sure if you can apply for a residence order BEFORE the father has parental responsibility (it may be considered as there no need) but just in case, talk to a solicitor.

if he has submitted the applicaiton to court for Pr then the op's repsonse can be to submit an applicaiton for residency. so the hearing could then address both at same time.

ie her sol can say - object to pr on these grounds (unlikely to succeed) - but we submit application for residency in op's favour in best interests of stability for the child.

or solicitor might say - dont object to PR (as it usually granted ) but make it clear that when PR is given it should be concurrently with residency order and contact order.

i applied for residency order long before exP woke up to fact he didnt have PR. he then asked at hearing sfor PR. at one the judge told him to put it in wiritng with his reasons for wanting PR. he never did.

he didnt turn up to court this week so i ahv residency order and he does not have PR at this point. if he applies now then is ok as residence and contact (is supervised contact still) is clearly set out.

How serious are you? Serious enough to make an anonymous call to the police and get him a criminal record?

Just a thought.

Have a look at the advice leaflets on www.rightsofwomen.org.uk - they're a really good starting point.

Ultimately your child has the legal right to have a relationship with her father. However it is perfectly reasonable for you to put a structure in place and, as the others have said, little and often and via a contact centre would be appropriate.

It sounds like he still has quite a hold on you and you are still very scared. It might be worth speaking to Women's Aid and seeing what help they can offer you in that area. Also, if your ex is as you describe him, think carefully about your user name here and what information you give out. He could be phishing as well, just a thought.

lindsay - have you ever been in that situation? i was and it's bloody horrible especially when people whio you thought might support you, turn out to be one who is more likely to add pressure to the situation.
i had the same thing from x's aunt who turned round and said 'did you not think by having him arrested ... '. what about his behaviour warranting police intervention to help protect the op?????

Speaking of the police... AI had a TUA (treat as urgent) marker put on my address, and on the maternity unit at the hospital I had my daughter in, in case he turned up. Now this is supposed to mean that when you call 999 and give your address and crime reference number, they get to you QUICKLY. According to the police officer, this would be a maximum of 10 minutes.

When my ex turned up on my doorstep, with one of his friends, and I rang 999 and explained this to them, and told them he was banging on my door and then subsequently just waiting outside my house...... It took FORTY FIVE minutes. And then I got "Well, at least nothing did happen and he's gone now" from the Police Officers that turned up. Yes, thankfully nothing DID happen, but it wouldn't have taken much for him to have been able to do something in that amount of time. Apparently, because most of the abuse was emotional and the occasional shove into the wall/throwing of things at me wasn't really "that much", they didn't feel the necessity to rush.

Thanks. Didn't a woman get stabbed to death in front of her children not so long back?

Anyway, all advice taken on board. Have not heard anything more from his soliticor or him in a while. Christmas is now starting to freak me out as he knows where my Grandparents live, and the fact I always spend Christmas there. He also knows how to get into their house. Freaked. Out.

However, as I've recently been told that he's got a new girlfriend, I have a feeling that his interest is going to quickly fade, as I knew it always would. But if not, I'm going to make sure that if/when he ever sees her, it is well supervised. I don't think I'll ever be comfortable with her staying over though. Ever.

Can't you persuade your other half to tone down on his drug use a bit, and enjoy the best of both worlds?

I've been smoking weed around my children for years. To be honest they find the whole idea quite boring and are hard academic workers. I think the problem is that your other half is abusive, not that he uses drugs. Stop blaming the substances

As far as I'm concerned i don't want drugs around my DD. His weed smoking isn't even what bothers me. It's the hard substances and the fact he quite often sells them. I asked him when we were together to choose what was more important - drugs or the baby. He chose drugs. As far as I'm concerned that does not show a dedicated father. But i won't disagree that the abuse doesn't help his case.

Also - drug misuse adds a lot towards a person's attitude, responsibility and personality.