Agreed to joint residency and now worried about impact on DCs

[GinandChocolate]

Left unfaithful, controlling, abusive husband to start life with new and wonderful DP last year.

Have DS and DD aged 7 and 5. Wanted to take them with me when I left but was persuaded by exH that I should "get sorted out first" and phase in the transition. DP wanted me to bring them but I was too afraid of confrontation so went along with exH - can see now I was being manipulated.

During divorce exH refused to budge on a number of key issues one of which was shared residency of DCs. As a result they spend alternate weeks with each of us and effectively move house every Friday. exH still occupies marital home and insists on DCs calling that their home. House is up for sale but not shifting in current market and has a huge mortgage on it so we can't let it go cheap. I still have to pay for half the mortgage.

I no longer believe this arrangement is in the interests of the DCs. I want my children to have a home with me. exH treats the whole thing as a competition and is very keen on his rights - not so hot on obligations and spends limited time with the DCs when at his house - our Nanny is always baby-sitting not that I mind that but why have them there is not to spend time with them.

DS now having problems at school and DD cries when she has to go to her Dads and counts the days until she comes back here.

How do I go about changing an arrangement I only agreed to in August and which I did under some pressure? Has anyone been through similar. DP v supportive but no experience either. Cant afford to spend lots on lawyers as criipled by marital debt.

well 50/50 in theory sounds fair - we dont have his side of the story but clearly there are issues.

can you go to GP and referral to family therapist, to take the children to trained family counsellor who can tease out what the issues are from chldrens point of view?

you say so may not count for much - it would be asked are you/he saying things to cause more issues?

but if you show your concerns are valid and take them to professionals then maybe over time things can be clarified.

what do teachers say? if there are school concerns then get teachers involved to raise concerns.

depends where you are on NHS services available - but some centres have family therapy for divorced couples.... if you initiate it then you are showing you are concerned and willing to act in dcs best interests....

you could also try mediation /institute of family therapy etc.

you can take it back to court by saying its not working for the children.

if you try and get children therapist involved via the nhs they often say they wont do anytign whilst its going through court processdings as its not a good time for the children and they need to be settled for therapy to work.

My advice would be to go back to court, cafcass can speak to the children and see what they want (did they do this before the august orders) x x

One week on, one week off with small children is a very Solomonic aproach, which is as kind as to split a child in two. It can only work well if there is very good communication between you, the children are happy, and perhaps a bit older.

I would be getting the best solicitor I could pay.

My DSSs spend half the time at our house and half at their mother's but we have never done alternate weeks - we do alternate weekends, plus every Tuesday and Wednesday at our house and every Monday and Thursday at their mother's. One week is far too long not to see a parent IMO (and my DSSs are a lot older than your children).

Your children do have a home with you - they also have one with their Dad.

I think it is a bit of a trap to fall into - assuming that when things go wrong/kids show signs of stress it is the fault of the other parent or of the situation that you don't like.

I would think very, very hard before starting any court proceedings. It's massively stressful and can make things a lot worse. You would have to show how a change to the status quo would be not just 'better' for the DC's, but also justify changing their circumstances again (in what is a relatively short space of time) and the disruption and upset that would cause.

It's also very difficult to prove that any problems the children are having are entirely down to the shared care arrangements and ex, rather than anything else. It's pretty common for children of that age to cry at handover (specially when they can sense the tension) or for kids to have problems at school only a year after a parental divorce.

You can't argue that your Ex is any kind of danger to them as you left them with him and have agreed to shared care. If you argue that they need a stable single 'home' your ex can clearly counter that their 'home' should be the one they have always had, and that the children would be more settled seeing you at weekends.

If I were you, knowing what I do about family court, I would go for mediation if at all possible.

Biobytes:
"One week on, one week off with small children is a very Solomonic aproach, which is as kind as to split a child in two."
My DSD would disagree with you. Children love both of their parents given they had a loving relationship with both.
DSD used to love spending "a long time with mum and a long time with dad" ie one week on/off.
Her mum went to court and stopped that for her reasons.
Three years on, DSD still asks to spend more time with her Dad as she once did.

I'm not against 50/50, I'm, against one week on, one week off where it is obviously not working

Thanks for all the thoughts. I am trying not to criticise their Dad - he does a reasonable job but he has a very demanding career and as a consequence doesn't spend much time with them when they are at his house.

He is also very reluctant to communicate with me although I have forced a discussion with him tonight and am about to head over there for a chat. Hopefully constructive.

I have been reluctant to get the courst too involved so we made the current arangement between us and our lawyers and it was approved by the court without any Cafcass involvement.

I like the idea of family therapy and I want someone to help my DS. Will look into the options for now.

Family Allowance is paid to me but I transfer 50% to exH. We basically split all childcare costs.

Since you have a court order already albeit by consent, you will need cast iron reasons why you want to change it.

Your daughter getting upset isn't really going to cut it. Your ex will simply argue that its not a problem and/or the problem is you are poisoning the kids against him.

He will also more than likely argue that the current arrangement is working well and the kids are getting to spend time with both parents.

If you only agreed to the routine in August, it could be a bit too premature to try to change it.

Can you speak to your ex civilly or via a third party even about finding ways to make the kids time at your ex's more fun?

I do feel for you as I have a similar problem with my DD but she's way older. However, changing routine should be by mutual consent, not just because one of you thinks its not working.

Could you try it out for a while to see if your dcs settle down? I was very fearful about leaving dd with her dad for days at a time (less than 50:50 though) but it's working out fine at the moment. Ex was a horrible husband, but so far he's doing pretty well as a dad.

Obviously if your dcs are unhappy, I can see why you want to change. I'm wondering if you're picking up on their unhappiness with it or are they picking up on yours?

The problem with trying it for a while is that there is always the risk that the other one wouldn't like to go back to the original arrangement even if the children are not well.

And once that an arrangement has been in place for some weeks it may mean involving the court to try to get it back to the way it was before you tried it for a while, with a great chances to fail.

You're right, Bio, this strategy could work against OP.

On the other hand, it could put her in a position to show the court (and CAFCASS) that she's genuinely tried to make it work, but now there is evidence that it doesn't.

I'm nervous about giving risky advice though. Obviously OP is better off talking to a solicitor (OP, I know you say you're worried about legal fees, but in my case I feel it was a good investment, and they're letting me pay off a reasonable set amount everything month, so don't rule it out).