mother by choice for second child?

[gkf]

Hi

I am a divorced single mother and have raised my two year old son on my own since he was only a couple of weeks old. It's tough (as I am sure you all know) but I am proud of how I have got on and I have an amazing child.

Anyway, I have been thinking over the past few months about how I want our life to move forward. I always intended to have a family and the idea (before I left my husband) was that we would have children close together so they could grow up together- best laid plan and all...

So I now considering having another child.

I do not have a partner. I did start dating again earlier this year which was fine but I basically dont have the time nor the inclination!! lol. My son is my focus and will be for the next x numbers of years. I feel I am in "baby phase" (entering child phase) and there is little room in my life for meeting/courting/developing a relationship.

I have good family support. I work, have a comfortable house and am financially independent (although it would be challenging financially).

Timing wise, I feel I want to get on with things. I am not even 30 so biologically I am not overly worried. However, my son is now 2 and if I want siblings to grow up together, I don't want to leave it long.

My son has a father and sees him quite often (twice a week). If I used an anonymous donor, I am worried about how the second child would feel, knowing that their sibling knows who their father is and has a relationship with them. Has anyone been in this situation?

So, any advice/people chosen similar routes?

Many thanks

g

gkf...I'm gonna watch this thread with interest. I have been thinking the very same thing for over a year now (dd is 3).

I have registered on co-parents.net but am struggling to find someone. I would particularly like another child the same mixed race as dd.

Hi (smile)

I'm a living example of someone who chose to be a parent, despite not finding a suitable partner. There is LOADS of info. about all aspects of this and also the particular isse you raise, on Choice Moms site (a USA based site run by Mikki Morrisette) and Single Mothers By Choice (a USA based site run by Jane Mattes, who wrote the definitive book on this.) There is also lots of support on the UK Donor conception Network Single Mothers site too.

I can't really comment on the differentiation between one child with a parent it sees and another without this, as my twins are donor conceived from the same male donor who is a Willing To Be Known donor in the States - ie at the time of sonating, was willing to have his name and other identifying details available to any donor offspring when they turn 18 and in theory, also to meet them.

However, I would say that provided your child-to-be knows and feels just how much it was wanted and is loved, this can balance a lot of other stuff that's harder to deal with.

Long time back, I was in a relationship with a man who had a son who was being raised by his mum and a step-dad. The little boy had a step brother - product of the knew relationship. Everyone involved did their best to help both boys feel loved. whilst accepting they had different origins. When we visited, we took out my partner's son and sometimes the other child too, even though he was no bio. relation to my partner. This seemed to help. On occasions when we just took out the bio. son, we made a point of buying a small present for his half brother and this helped too.

I think there are ways to help situations like this and I wouldn't at all let this put you off having a second child, especially as you say you have lots of family support (something I don't have).

After all, what better conditions under which to be born than to someone who wants you so much that they're prepared to think in advance about how you might cope with your life circumstances?

Good luck (smile)

I have sort of been in this position although there is a big age range between my boys. I have a DS1 who is 23, I had lots of problems both before and after he was born and we (DH mostly) decided not to have anymore DC's. I would of tried for more but DH just didnt want to. DH dies when DS was 13, two years later I had an unexpected M/C and this made me realise that I did still want another DC

I didnt want another full on relationship and had decided to wait a few years and if I still felt the same I would go ahead and have another DC on my own. I did briefly look into donor conception but fortunately had three offers from friends to be donors. DS2 was born nearly four years ago now. I have only ever had support from those who know me, only neagtivity regarding the sitaution has come from forums.

There will be issues in the future. His father has stated that he doesn't want DS to know who he is, this is a bit of a turnaround on his behalf as the whole point of using a known donor was that DS could meet his father if he so wished, and his father was originally ok with this

As solo points out, children like ours are bought into the world loved and very much wanted. I've stated before that it is still a bit of a tabboo to be a 'choice Mum', it seems far more accepted to be an accidental Mum or one that is abandoned or has to leave a relationship, but the world is still getting to grips with Mums who make the very positive choice to have a child on their own

I would like to say i am still regarded as a young mum, i am currently 25 with a DS who is curently 4 y/o.
I was an accidental mum with DS at the age of 20, the father had 'wandered off' by the time i found out i was pregnant. He did not want children altho DS now has a half sister, 9 months younger than himself.
my DS has never met his father, being the fathers choice not mine.

Having grown up in a family with two sisters and knowing what having siblings is like i wish for my son to have some of his own 'maternal siblings', i could say.

But as GFK put,'i dont have the time or the inclination' to do the dating thing.

Being a choice parent has been milling around in my mind for a while and think its a great choice for women, i am certainly willing to choose this path and think it is a positive thing!

I met someone through coparentmatch.com who wants to be a hands on dad. We are planning to have a child next year. I've just ordered a book called 'choosing single motherhood' from amazon which I've heard is very good, it hasn't arrived yet.

Anonymous donors aren't the only option. It is possible to find a man who does want to be a dad and if you can get on as friends then I think it could work ( I hope so anyway, I'll be able to tell you more in a few years)

After my last post, the book arrived - 'choosing single motherhood, the thinking woman's guide' by Mikki Morrissette. I'm 100 pages in and think it is very useful so far.

I'm not sure how relevant this is, but the issue of one child having a Dad (in a tangible sense) and one child not having one is the situation for my DSS and his elder brother.

DSS has contact with DH three out of four weekends and an evening during the week. His older brother doesn't know who his father is. Although I don't know the older boy, DSS tells us that his brother is very resentful about the time DSS spends with us because he gets to do interesting things. He has also mentioned that his brother is trying to 'secretly' find his Dad on the internet.

I suppose it just depends whether you think having a Dad is important or not.

Hi All

Thanks all for the posts. It's encouraging that others are thinking, and have experienced, this and is good to hear everyones thoughts. I keep going back to Solo2 and her saying "what better conditions under which to be born than to someone who wants you so much that they're prepared to think in advance about how you might cope with your life circumstances?". I like that thought.

Never really thought about co-parenting, but is obviously another option to consider.

I do think dads can be great (like mine). However, as my mum keeps saying, it's better to have one great parent than two mediocre/rubbish ones. It's definitely something Im going to keep exploring.