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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

Just saying Hello as I join you all on this topic

17 replies

AboardtheAxiom · 15/11/2009 18:35

I moved into a new home on friday just me and DS (5yrs old) leaving emotionally abusive partner behind.

I feel I did the right thing about the split and know I won't go back, but feel a bit scared as I am the no mans lands of waiting for incomce support and community care grant to come through, figuring out all the things in my new house (radiators, pre payment meters etc) and feel very overwhelmed.

Also DS is unsettled and emotional (to be expected) but has not asked for his dad at all. Am sure when he does see him he will be pleased to, but it makes me think I have done the right thing in moving out. We were at a point where DS was asking on the way home from school if daddy would be home or not in a worried tone. Still thought he would ask for daddy though!

Just looking for some support really I guess and wanting to say hello to other mums in the same situation.

OP posts:
norksinmywaistband · 15/11/2009 20:18

Well done for leaving, I am sure that is the hardest part.

You are protecting your DS and although it is new and strange, you will get stronger as the days go on.

I am also a new lone parent, 10 days ago H told me of a year long affair he has been having. He moved out 9 onths ago, but only told me the real reason 10 days ago. It is only since then I have really started to see myself as a lone parent.

Its hard but knowing you are ultimately doing the best for your DS will pull you through.

mankymummymoo · 15/11/2009 20:30

You are incredibly brave and sounds like you are doing the best for your son.

I left my ex 2 weeks before DS was born because he was a drunk, seeing other women, abusive...

I had to move country, rent a flat, furnish it, buy everything (except a toothbrush, hairbrush and the clothes I stood up in) for me and DS.

It was hard.

But it was worth it.

And every little thing you sort out (like finances, finding out about pre-payment meters etc.) will make you stronger.

You wait until your son happily skips home from school with you, not even concerned, but looking forward to going home.

You have done the hardest bit. Honestly.

mamas12 · 15/11/2009 23:29

well done axiom.
It is tough to start with. everything new that comes up seem to defeat you but it doesn't
Concentrate on one thing at a time and you will get there.
It is very empowering, I walk around my house sometimes and think I did this, this is all mine and I can do what I like here. Even leave the mess until I feel like clearing it up later.
It's glorious really.

Original poster
AboardtheAxiom · 16/11/2009 08:14

Thanks for all these replies, nice to know there are others in the same boat who get it.

Already I am looking around the house proud that it is mine and that I can figure out how to wire the TV aerial and get the central heating boiler going.

I am also enjoying letting DS leave toys out as beforeI would rush around tidying them away before he came home.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 16/11/2009 10:30

well done.

it is a great feeling!

i hope you are able to keep ex at bay and set clear boundaries for contact. dont whatever you do let him in your new home for a long long time....

OnlyWantsOneFartleBerry · 16/11/2009 10:35

welcome - hello and there is light at the end of the tunnel I promise you

I left my violent XDP two years ago after he threatened to kill me - and although the bastard is still trying to get access which I am fighting, I have a fantastic DD and a great DP - and we've been together for a year tomorrow so things do work out ok

makkapakkamoo · 14/12/2009 00:59

hiya,

i threw-out emotionally abusive xp a few weeks ago too, and i would like to join you in this journey.

i have 2 dc aged 2 and 3, and like most women who have been with an abusive partner, i have isolated myself from my old rl friends over the years.

it would be great to have some online support, somewhere to have a moan and share those proud 'i did it by myself' moments too.

i am trying to cherish the freedom, but it is a lonely path too.

thinking of all of you finding it hard going too

makka xox xox xox

Original poster
AboardtheAxiom · 14/12/2009 18:14

hi there everyone, this thread was hiding from me somehow

Onlywantsone - that'slovely that you have found someone great, I hope in the future I find a new relationship with someone nice who treats me well, at the moment I do get a bit down and think 'is this it - on my own for rest of my life?'.

cestlavie - ex does find boundaries hard but I am now telling him my boundaries and he is being trained as you would train a sulky toddler.

makkapakkamoo - I feel the same, even though I am enjoying the head space and feeling proud of what I am achieving (things like painting rooms, moving furniture, etc) it can be lonely. I am having to remind myself that I also felt lonely a lot of the time when I was part of a couple too! Any chance of you picking these old friendships back up? Why not be brave and drop in on them with a xmas card and explain ex made it hard for you to keep up with friendships? Be prepared that some may have moved on but others may be delighted. An old friend of mine I have allowed back into my life (I know you will understand what I mean there, I did used to isolate myself from friends for a quiet life) is asking me to go on holiday with her and her DD next year.

I am usually online if you ever want to chat.

OP posts:
queenofdenial2009 · 14/12/2009 20:53

Hello ATA, nice to see you. You know my story well, but the things I enjoy now?

Being able to eat what I want
Being able to get to bed when I want
Being allowed to have an opinion
Being able to watch what I want on TV

Oh, I could go on...

Think happy, happy thoughts. It all gets better from here, I'm five months and counting and it feels great.

Original poster
AboardtheAxiom · 14/12/2009 22:40

Ah yes, I definately made the right choice QoD. Here are a few of my little daily enjoyments now I am free and single

Being able to turn the TV off
Being able to put on music that I like
Planning my sparetime so it includes things me and DS want to do.
Putting the washing up bowl in the sink whichever way I please
Painting my walls of my living room WHITE.
Walking home from school with DS knowing he isn't worried daddy will be home.
I too could go on

Oh yes there are major positives!! x

OP posts:
Original poster
AboardtheAxiom · 14/12/2009 22:45

Catching this thread up from my OP, I now have my benefits coming through, have received a communtiy care grant, and have even been decorating so if anyone comes along at a point where I was last month - hang on in there and lean on anyone who will let you, those difficult first few weeks fly by!

OP posts:
makkapakkamoo · 14/12/2009 22:50

hiya ata i posted earlier but i think they deleted it

not having a great evening as x-prick has called 34 times in 3 hours!!!!! he is clearly not getting that we are over. hope the police arrest him soon then it will be illegal for him to call me x

MaggieAnFiaRua · 14/12/2009 22:54

Hi, I remember you from TRM's NPD thread, so I am really glad to hear that your move away has gone well and that your benefit has come through! Enjoy your first christmas in your new home with just you and your son.

Original poster
AboardtheAxiom · 15/12/2009 08:06

makkapakkamoo - that is awful have you been logging calls? It would definately be classed as harassment are you going to get an injunction or something? I definately think you should, especially as you as still in the house so he knows where you are. Take care won't you.

If MN is running slow (seems to be quite a bit recently) I always copy my post before pressing post message as it is always losing my posts when I press the button.

OP posts:
makkapakkamoo · 15/12/2009 15:24

thought it was because i put my email addy in there for u....

Original poster
AboardtheAxiom · 15/12/2009 20:36

Don't think that would do it, have posted mine before with no problems.

How are you getting on? I put my christmas tree up with DS this afternoon. Nothing new there anyway as ex never got involved in that before split but was nice to not have his grinchlike presence there.

OP posts:
makkapakkamoo · 15/12/2009 23:17

Do you have CAT?

I have been logging calls, but I am also keeping the handset switched on to record/log it too. my phone o2 doesn't tell me if someone calls me when its off. i am waiting to swap sims (and change number!) until the phone has been seen by the cops. i don't want to delay any action by wiping my phone iyswim?

I am glad you managed to put your tree up. it feels like a sense of achievement even though I felt a bit emotional going to get ours. i made a fun evening of putting the decorations on with the dc, and it made me glad he wasn't there to spoil it and put me down for having bought an artificial tree, or the wrong colour baubles etc

also today has been a good day too, with both dc having their 1st school play. aww it was sooo sweet they are only 2 & 3, and they sang a series of xmas songs to tell a story about a snowman. i did tell xp-rick the date of it a couple of weeks ago. shame he forgot....

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