Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Flip

Original poster

Should my ex's new partner take my DD out without my ex?

12 replies

princessfifi9 · 15/11/2009 18:22

Hi.

I am really struggling with this one so could really do with some advice.

My DD is 4 and I have been a lone parent since she was 1.

My ex has a new wife and my DD stays with them every other weekend.

Recently my DD has come home with stories of trips to the park and outings to parties with the wife while my ex stayed at home.

I am really uncomfortable with this.
I want to tell him that she should be in his care not the wife's and that he should want to spend time with his DD.

Anyone else in this situation or can offer advice.

Thanks
x

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 15/11/2009 18:24

no,sorry,you can't 'tell' him who does what with your dd in his acess time.

do you extend that courtesy to him?

thesouthsbelle · 15/11/2009 18:25

agree with tiff. I'd be concerned if she was a GF who was a short term etc one but as the wife then I'd be pleased that DS got on with her tbh.

Lifeinagoldfishbowl · 15/11/2009 18:27

No they are now a family unit - wife, husband and child - I would expect it - it's not like it's a brand new girl friend.

colditz · 15/11/2009 18:27

If she is caring for your daughter adequately then it is up to her father who takes your (and his) daughter out.

If he tried to interfere with who you got to babysit, you'd be miffed.

CantThinkofFunnyName · 15/11/2009 18:31

Ah - well I'm a stepmother to 3 kids that live in Ireland. When they visit us, quite often (and from the v early days), DH has been at work, out with friends, or just doing other things sometimes. I would therefore care for the children, play with them, go on trips to park etc. They never thought of me as their mum or anything.. and I am married to their dad (like in your situation), therefore it is important that we have some kind of relationship.

All this being said, I would get v cross with my DH that he didn't spend enough time with his children and felt that it was left to me at lot of the time. I can understand your POV and if I was in your shoes with my own children, I really don't think I would like it at all , but equally, from the WIFE point of view, I think you probably just need to be gracious about it and allow your DD the opportunity to integrate into the new family.

If anything, perhaps, its worth a bit of a grumble to your ex that you would expect him to be doing the park thing with your DD rather than "palming the care off" onto his new wife, not fair to the wife etc....?

SKYTVADDICT · 15/11/2009 18:33

Its very hard but its part of new family situations. My exHs new wife regularly has my DDs on her own while they are at their house - although they are now 13 and 9 she has been doing it since they were 3 and 7. She adequately cares for them and I have no say. My new DP also spends a lot of time with them and I would be extremly miffed if my ex said he couldn't!

Original poster

princessfifi9 · 15/11/2009 18:37

Thanks for the advice.

I know you are right and I am just going to have to be a grown up about it.

It is hard as to adjust to as I don't know the wife and when she is caring for DD with out my ex it worries me.

The wife was married to my ex before we got together then he left me to get back with her so I wonder how she feels about DD.

Think I find it hard to let go!!

OP posts:

Surfermum · 15/11/2009 18:37

I do things on my own with my dsd. It wouldn't seem a normal relationship if she only ever did things with dh and not me. Does your ex work all week? Maybe there are things he needs to get done at the weekend, and her stepmum is doing something with her while he can get on.

The only other thing I'd say is be absolutely certain that you're getting the full picture before getting worked up. Four year olds are great at not quite telling the story right! Dsd used to stitch us right up with her mum with her version of events at ours, and vice versa probably!

CantThinkofFunnyName · 15/11/2009 18:43

I feel for you "PrincessFIFI9". My DH's ex has never met me (because she lives in Ireland) and I have always wondered how on earth she feels about her children coming to stay in my house for weeks at a time. I'm not sure I could be quite so gracious about it.

Particularly under the circumstances that you have, I can imagine you really feel uncomfortable. Indeed, i think you have every right to want to meet the wife on neutral circumstances given that she will have a substantial role in the raising of your child when on visits to the father.

FabIsLosingThePlot · 15/11/2009 18:48

I don't think it is a problem the wife spending time with your daughter as she is her step mum but what is wrong is your ex not spending enough time with his child.

mmrred · 16/11/2009 18:09

I often take my DSS out without Dad - it helps us to bond and is more 'normal' that way. His mum is very aggressive about this and routinely tells him he is here to spend time with Dad and no one else (including his half brother)but that's her problem. I know that sounds heartless but relationships with the adults on both sides of the family are important, I think.

Does his wife see you as the OW, then? If she's willing to take him back and cope with a step child, then she sounds mature enough not to take out any issues on the child, although I think it is unlikely that she's agree to meet you on any territory!

prettyfly1 · 16/11/2009 18:55

Seconding what mmred says. We are going through this with dss mum at the moment and its a nightmare - in the same breath she also wants him to be included as part of the family and treated as one of my own but she "refuses to allow" me to be on my own with him - despite me raising him fifty percent of the time. Look at it this way - as hard as it feels to have to share your precious little one how much angrier would you be if she rejected her?

Flip