I just want things back the way they were

[MrsMorgan]

Although bits of them were crap else i'd not now be a lone parent obviously.

I just cannot seem to move on at all.

Have been seperated from xp for 3 and a bit years now and I still crave that family feeling. I know me and my dc are a family but I am just sick of it only being me.

I can't even explain it properly without sounding pathetic.

I want what my life was meant to be, not what it is, but then I suppose alot of people do. I know life is what you make it, but i can't make mine what I want it to be.

go see a counsellor, get a CBT book, write down positives in your life versus the negatives.

imagine your xp had died would that be worse or better? why?

anything can happen in life - be grateful for what you have and live the momement.

i know sounds trite - but wanting to go back to the past wont help you at all.

do some drawing therapy - without thinking too much draw a picture of your life before with xp

and your life now

analyse those pics.

which one is better?

why?

what have you gained with your new life?

what is better?
what is worse?

what can you still take from your old one?

are you fantasising how it was as a family when the reality was different?

what is the worst thing that can happen in your current situation?

what can you do to change things?

what is within your control and what isnt?

how do you want to be remembered when you are dead?

you need to grieve for the relationship you had and allow those feelings denial anger bargaining acceptance....etc

(i am not expecting answers but if you look at some of those questions you might be able to think around some of them....)

Thanks, that was a good post.

I don't want xp back, there is no doubt in my mind about that. What I want is the life that I should have had with a partner and dc and I know I will never have that now.

The only things I like about my life now are trivial things like not having to watch the footie and getting the whole of the bed. Other than that I hate every single second of it.

I wanted a partener, and children, a half decent house, part time job and that was it. I didn't want millions, brand new cars, fancy holidays etc etc, just normal things.

Now I have the children, and nothing else. I am looking for work but really couldn't care less if I ever get anything or not. Not because i don't think i should work, I do, I just can't see how i wil ever get to that point when most days I struggle to even speak to people.

I understand - I wouldnt take XH back for all the tea in china - what I want "back" is the family I thought I had, the not having to do everything by myself, and feeling unbearably sad that I will never have that, that I will always look back on my childrens childhood, as a hard slog I did by myself

Sorry for rant, your OP just struck a chord, because I know what you mean

Yes, that is exactly, it, thank god you knew what I meant. I feel like I am going mad sometimes.

It's like right this minute I am am having yet another row with dd1 about homework, and what i'd really like is for once for someone else to be sorting it out, or at least helping me sort it out.

You're not going mad
I think what I find the hardest, is that even if I do find a new DP that I am happy with, I will never get back the years when I was supposed to be in a supportive partnership/in a family!!
Oh and XH and I have been seperated 3 years as well, maybe thats when it hits a peak, and it gets better form here

Here's hoping

have you tried counselling?

what about a group -

www.drw.org.uk/index.html

i
attended a group (not this one but these sound similar) and found it very helpful

is just if you really at point where you hate everything --and where you struggle to speak to people etc - you really need to nip that in the bud and take action before you fall into a clinical depression.....

my oldest son is disabled and is not the child he was meant to be....perhaps accepting that made it easier to accept that the dcs father was not who i expected him to be either. sh%t happens...

can really identify with what's been said here
i think it's a common and relevent feeling regardless of the circs of a split
you will mourn the loss of that family unit and also the loss of all those years,hopes,dreams etc which have now gone
however,you do still have alot of living to do and how you choose to do it is now in your hands
see it as another chance in life
fully understand where you're coming from here but you will get thru this phase trust me

I'd never go to a group counselling thing, thats my idea of a nightmare.

Would it work anyway ? I mean, basically I am upset, angry, gutted that I can't have what I want, and i'm sure the world is full of people who feel like that, but it is just how it goes.

I wish I could accept that things are as they are meant to be and unlikely to change, but the hope just won't go away, I wish it would, maybe then I could move on.

I know it is tough and I often yearn for a partner but be proud that you are doing such a difficult job alone. Now i the time to focus on your independance.

Can you get a baby sitter and get out there.

You can at least call the shots now without answering to a bloke.

Focus on your fabulousness.

"clinging to a deflated and partially sunken dinghy"

well you dont know til you try = but how do you/how have you approached other challenges in your life? do you hide, go for a run, talk to people, write it all down?

everyone has different ways of dealing with things.... i found it incredibly helpful to talk about it and to elarn from others...and with a good facilitator you CAN get to see things in a difdfernet way. a good counsellor/therpaist will challenge your way of thinking and get you to turn it around yourself by asking the right questions. they may also pick up on things you ahd not considered...

but if you dont deal with your anger and upset then you will be stuck and it will eat you up . and you will wake up ten years down the line and realise you missed out on stuff.

eg new partner - who wants an angry, upset person in their lives?

Sorry you are having a shit time. I am too - my partner has left me with two little children and I'm facing the same 'why me?' issues as you. However, only you can get yourself out of this way of thinking. rubbish things happen to good people everyday, but it shoudln't define who you are. Here's what I would do. Get a job - any job - being at home full time does your head in at the best of times, especially as a single mum. If you work more than 16 hours you can claim Working Tax Credit, which is loads! Tart yourself up a bit - I've no idea how you look but I do know you always feel slightly better in clothes you like with a hairwash and a bit of slap. Also, you sound very depressed, and rightly so. Get yourself down to your GP for some anti depressats - they are marvellous and will giv eyou a bit of oompf. and councelling. Remember, some people do get a shit ride in life, but you have to do EVERYTHING to pick yourself back up again. Also, the wanting things as they were - be careful of seeing family life as all rosy - remember why you split. A bit of self pity is fine, but not when you start wishing for the 'dream' - that is all it is. Once you are happier with yourself, get yourself online and pick a new man - it's a new challenge and might even be fun. Best of luck. Sorry if this sounds insensitive, but it makes me so sad to hear of all these women who are stuck in a rut due to crap men and I really benefit from positivity so hope you do too. x