Ex Husband Access to DSs in My Home

[FluffyG]

I'm trying to get some advice on this situation. I'm new to all this so please forgive the probably very long winded way I'm writing it!

My Ex and I split nearly two years ago after he had an affair. He's fairly straight with access, usually has the boys at his place every other weekend. However, he likes to see them during the week too, but only at my home - the former matrimonial home - and won't take the boys out. He treats my home like it's his, comes in sits down, expects to be fed etc etc etc and is often rude and dismissive of me in front of the boys.

His behaviour has been pretty appalling sometimes, shouty and aggressive, but even if he's not being so openly horrid, there are lots of underlying comments about me.

It makes me sick having to put up with his presence, but he lives too far away to take the boys to his. I've tried asking him to take the boys out, not hang around at my place, but he gets cross when I do. I'm getting so tired of it all. I haven't put this across properly. Any help? I'm running out of the spirit to deal with him. Thanks very much.

Fluffy, he only has a right to access to his children. He has no right at all to access to your home. I think you need to talk all this through and state very firmly that he must collect the children, not visit them. There are plenty of things they could do together. But he is overstepping is boundaries.

Could you go out when he arrives?
DD1's dad used to come every Wednesday evening, and I'd tell him what to give her for dinner, then leave.
You can go to the cinema/do an evening class or something..

Although I can see why you wouldn't want him in your house..

Bloody hell. I've no idea of the legalities of it all, but I think you absolutely shouldn't have to put up with him in your home behaving like such an arse. As I see it, he should only be there if you invite him to stay. And who would want a guest who behaved so badly?

Maybe you should just put your foot down and say he has to take the boys out somewhere.

no - it is your home. dont allow him in. he takes the boys out and drops them back.

if he wont talk about it rationally then ask him to attend a mediation session on this point.

if he is to be in your home he has to respect it and you.

you could draw up rules and make it clear if he oversteps then no more.

do you go to his new home? if no why should he come to yours?

not your fault he moved far away.... not teh kids either- but he has to respect you and your home. if he cannot - he takes them out then delivers them home. maybe another friend will take him and boys weekly to their home...

Thanks everyone, it's so good to hear that I'm not being unreasonable. Of course I completely forgot to say, he pays the mortgage on the house, it's written in the divorce settlement, until Sept 2010 when his name is taken off the mortgage and I take it on. Obviously he'll reduce his maintenance payments considerably at that point. Bt that gives him 'ownership' in his eyes, and I feel I haven't really got a leg to stand on.

I'd love to go on an evening course, but he rarely arrives until 5 then leaves immediately at 7 (DSs bedtime, they're 3 and just 5) unless he wants to have a go at me, in which case, he'll hang around while I say night night then have his say. As well as this, (gosh, this chat thing's brilliant, isn't it?) he contacts me a lot via phone and text. I ignore it as much as possible, but he hates it when I do that so his messages etc become more and more sarcastic, rude, whatever, until I respond.

He's with someone else now, the woman he had the affair with, although it took them a year to get back together once I'd found out. It's a really odd situation and I'm so tired with it all.

ah i somehow saw them as older! maybe slightly different then.... he cant really hang out on streets/cafes/take them to football club... unles s you ok with them going to soneone elses house in that time?

you could get babysitter to come on those nights from 6.45 and take over - let him put them to bed and you go off to your evening class or whatever.

that way he has no excuse to hang around (if he does your baby sitter can deal with it).

that is what i would do - book a babysitter both those nights for even just one hour and once they in bed he leaves.

or a babysitter/cleaner so that person is there from 4.45 (you go out) and while he is with kids can be cleaning ironing while you out...

with regard to his texts/messages adopt a rule of only responding to straightforward quesitons that require a yes no answer. about the kids only. he has no right to ask you about your feelings on anything else. only straightforward queries on practical issues.

financial issues are separate from contact issues. so is irrelevant he is paying mortgage.

Ah fluffy you could be me - I have the same problem, house is still in joint names so he sees it as "his" and an excuse to have a go at me while he is there!
I too feel worn down by it, all I can think is it will get better as the children get older (mine are 8 and 2), and I try and make myself busy doing something else in the house elsewhere!

Much much sympathy, it is so easy from the outside to say "dont allow it", but in reality it is much harder, both legally, morally and while trying to do whats best for the children

Hi, I sympathise and have been through similar. I let my H back into the house with the kids after he has picked them up from school for tea because he lives 2 hours away and I am often home from work late. But I have set very clear boundries and rules about what is and isnt appropriate behaviour to me in MY HOME (also our former home) and mader in clear in writing that any disrespectful actions on his part will result in him being banned from my home in future. I think it is important to be clear that it is your house and he has no right to be there. Yes it will piss him off but you need to establish boundries. If he is disrespectful to you in front of your children in your home and gets away with it it sets an apalling role model for your kids. But it is much easier to say than do and does take nerves of steel. I found this book really helpful, it is on amazon.

good luck

Leaving Him Behind: Cutting the Cord and Breaking Free After the Marriage Ends by Sandra S. Kahn

It is part of the financial settlement of the divorce that he pays the mortgage until Sep 2010 it is also part of the divorce that it is no longer his residence!!

Please put it in writing to him that he is no longer welcome in your home but that he is welcome to continue access on those days of the week if he wishes to.

It's not your problem at all. Do it in writing as it's easier to be assertive, to not enter into negotiations, don't answer the phone to him. BE strong or he will continue to treat you in this awful way for the rest of your dc's childhood as he clearly thinks he is entitled to treat you like that!

Legally its still his house until his name comes off the deeds. However I can understand why its uncomfortable.

I'd warn against putting stuff in writing or escalating the situation if you can avoid it. Reason is that he's as you said being pretty straight about both access and maintenance. He's also paying the mortgage. So right now things are relatively straight forward. Why rock the boat? As I always say, pick your battles carefully.

The last thing you need is for him to "show you who's boss" by stopping paying the mortgage/maintenance and the boys losing time with their dad. All over a fairly minor problem which is limited until Sept 2010.

I'd suggest either going into another room when he arrives or simply going out for a couple of hours. Tell him you are going to the gym. Good reason to disappear for two hours and he will realise you want to look good etc. Win-win

At the kids age and if he lives a fair distance away then a compromise is going to be needed. You can't expect him to roam the streets in winter with a 3yr old and 5yr old. And there's only so many McDonalds you can take the kids to.

Your ex will always be part of your life. Its too much hard work to fight for the next fifteen years. Just bite your tongue and save your breath for when it really matters.

But Niceguy2 he is abusive. Why should she put up with it? If he stops paying the mortgage he is in breach of a court order surely? What a horrible situation. Can you put up with it until next September and then do as the others suggested? Is it possible to get some CBT type counselling to help you switch off from him? If he realises he can't get to you will he back off or do you think he will just escalate the abuse? Women's Aid may well be able to give you some advice.

Thanks all. I've decided I need to put it all in writing to him. It's not a tolerable situation because of his treatment of me. For example, it was my eldest's birthday on Saturday, I'd arranged a big bonfire and firework party for all his friends and their parents, food for everyone, lots of planning, lots of effort, you know how it is. He did nothing towards it whatsoever other than refuse to run the pass the parcel when I asked him. Twenty minutes in, I was greeting peole, sorting drinks, coats, sending people outside etc, and he says to me 'And what the fuck are you going to do to help run this party then?' and other choice phrases. I was gobsmacked but let it lie. Later on, he made a really big deal of thanking me for such a great party in front of my family. He knew exactly what he was doing, he always does.

I suppose this isn't just about him being in my home - regardless of whether he pays for it - it's also the fact that I can't understand (when the marriage broke down because of his actions) why he has to be so consistently awful to me. Unless I'm sweetness and light and bend over backwards to suit him - which I'm not prepared to do anymore - he goes off on one, in person, or on the phone or text.

He makes his choices about how often he sees the boys, I've never, ever stopped him from seeing them, but I do want to stop the abuse I am still getting two years on.

As far as the gym goes, a) I look pretty ok as it is(!) and b) if he thought I could afford the gym (which I can't) he'd DEFINITELY stop paying me money!

It's all so bloody complex.

My ex is a bit like this. And am not even living in the matrimonial home.

He sees them in my house one day after school per week if he is not away on business.

I am also jaded and tired with it all. We did have a major blowout in the summer about that and other things to do with contact.

Only last week he was commenting on the state of the microwave (he is a bit OCD) - it had some porridge in there (no time to clean it in the morning) - everything gets cleaned at night.

I just count my lucky stars I don't have to live with all that crap 24/7 again.

But I agree it's disrespectful. And naively not something I bargained for when we split.

Malkuth....my point is that sometimes its better to bite your tongue and put up with the status quo for a limited period of time than to start a fight and end up in a worse situation. I don't know Fluffy's situation in detail but I do know from bitter experience that successful single parenting involves a lot of biting your tongue and choosing which battles to fight carefully.

Since he still has such hold over the finances and its only for a fixed period of time, thats why I suggested putting up with it.....FOR NOW.

Otherwise you just end up risking fighting two battles. One with the ex and another with the mortgage company.

Longer term it needs to be dealt with but timing is everything.

hey Fluffy
i'm really sorry that you're having to deal with this. but i don't believe that you should have to tolerate it!
it might be an idea to talk to your divorce solicitors - if you can evidence the situation you will strengthen your position.
also in the meantime would it be possible for a friend to join you when he visits?
but for me the bottom line is that you do not have to put up with being made to feel uncomfortable, stressed and anxious as a result of anybody's behaviour in your home. if you have reached the point where you feel that way then the contact is not a positive thing, and changes need to be made. your ex chose to begin a relationship with someone else, he also chose to live far from your children.
the fact that he becomes impossibly unreasonable if he doesn't get his own way makes him a bully! please don't let him bully you any more xx

I have quite recently put a stop to my ex coming to my house for any significantperiod of timefor exactly the reasons you have described and I am very very much happier for it.

I had to have the children ready in their coats a few times, and have us all stood in the doorway so the ex couldn't come in "for a drink" to sit down and not get up again, but in the end he got the message and took the children. On the occasions he refused to take them out, I would ask him o leave.

You would think (as I did) that not allowing him into the house would have resulted in reduced visits from him, but when I actually made it clear that he would not be sitting around my house even if it meant not seeing the children, he stepped up and started taking them out.

As for your ex 'getting cross' when you suggest he takes the boys out - so fucking what? Let him get cross. He Does Not Live There.

PS if he chooses not to participate in an access arrangement that doesnot involve your house, HE is choosing not to see the children. YOu are not making the CHILDREN unavailable, you are making your HOUSE unavailable. If he was remotely bothered he would move closer.

til sept 2010 is rather a long time to have to put up with this kind of behaviour. cant be good for kids either to witness...

• besides - if it continues til then then he will probably expect it to continue after, regardless of who pays mortgage...

.

Sorry niceguy i totally dissagree. Op's ex is bullying her precisely because he thinks he can get away with it. If things are to change she has to stand her ground. i have had this with my ex and now lines are clearly drawn and we get along fine. Any hint of disrespect and I ask him to leave. He has got the message and we have had no problems since. If he is rude to me on the phone I simply put the phone down and communicate on email until he starts to behave like an adult. I cant think of any reason why i would put up with rude or disrespectful behaviour from him or anyone else who is in my home. It is MY HOUSE and it runs to MY RULES

bumping