Deed Poll Name Change and Parental Responsibility

[edinburger]

Hello

It would be great it some of the other single parents on here could give me some advice as I don;t know any in real life!

MY DS is four and will start school next year so I need to make the application next week.

He has his Dad's surname as we were not married when he was born and were meant to get married but never did as I left him due to his appaling behaviour. DS's Dad now lives in another town and comes to see DS for about 2 hours a time every six weeks or so.

DS's dad is named on his birth certificate but as DS was born before May 2006 his Dad did not automatically get Parental reponsibility and when I encouraged him to apply for it he laughed in my face ( his usual reaction to anything offical/requiring effort on his part).

so.......

I want to change DS's surname to mine as I do not want to spend the next 13 year being called "Mrs Ex Partner's name"

What do you think? Is that a bad thing to do? DS is aware of his surname - I would be inclined to add my surname to the end so that Ex's surname becomes another middle name.

I do not need Ex's permission due to him not having parental responsibiltiy, but shoudl I ask him - bearing in mind that he shows no interest in anything like that?

Any advice would be much appreciated/

thanks

I think the only honourable thing to do is to ask your ex. The fact he hasn't got PR is a legal technicality and he could certainly get it, as you say, virtually automatically. Also if you don't ask and go ahead, he would almost certainly be able to get the decision reversed at court - very confusing for the child.

Also it's not just a whim, a name, is it? Even if Dad is a bit hopeless, a surname is a link to a whole wider family and history which won't be obvious if he only sees Dad a few hours every so often.

I'd only add my surname onto the end and keep his Dad's name in the middle.

The other thing that I should perhaps have mentioned is that Ex's surname is actually his mother's ex husband;s surname. She divorced him 20 years ago and now has her new husband's name. Ex has had no contact with his ex-stepfather for 20 years so feels no affinity with the surname. In fact no one has that surname apart from Ex and DS as Ex;s sister is married now.

I feel that DS has much more links to my family as he sees a lot more of my Dad and sister than he does of his Dad.

Agree that is would be the honourable thing to do and am not doing it on a whim, I would have liked for DS to have a much better relationship with his Dad but sadly that is just not happening, basically the only thing that Ex has given DS is his name!

What do you plan to do then if/when one day you get married and become "Mrs new partners name"?

Does your son then have to change his surname again so that you don't have to be called "Mrs maiden name"? Or will you magically feel its ok at that point to have a different surname?

Personally I think its short sighted, selfish and wrong to change DS's surname if the only reason is that you don't want to be called by the wrong name. Why not change your surname to match your son's?

If the only thing your ex has given DS is his name, that's all the more reason not to take it away, I'd have thought. Ditto the fact that DS has more 'links' to your family - don't remove this link to his Dad.

So ask him.

Why would I change my surname to my son;s when that surname is not actually a family name and the only other person with that name is Ex's Ex-stepfather who he hasn;t seen in 20 years?

If I got married I would keep my name anyway so certainly wouldn;t change DS's name again.

I wouldn;t be taking away the name anyway, just adding mine to the end.

I don;t agree that I am being selfish, in my opinion it makes more sense for DS to share my name as I am the one who does everything for him such as fill in forms for School, take him to the Doctor and Dentist and will be the one to apply for his passport etc.

How would you go about changing his surname?

Deed poll? Or just let him be known by the name of your choice in future?

I would mention to your ex as a matter of coutesy that you are planning on ADDING (not changing) to your DS's name. I dont think it selfish at all to want to add to it but I do see the point about the possibility that you 'may' change you name in future but thats for the future. Its possible it wont happen or as you say you would keep your maiden name so I wouldn't worry about that right now

Would you ex agree or kick up a fuss ? It could make him want to put PR in place, but would it make him want to bother to see your son more often, two hours every six weeks is a bit of a crappy effort in my book.

dont know if this helps but I ''added my sur name'' to my childrens sur names. so they both have doubled barelled names. I can completely see what you are saying. I had no plans to do this until one day I was returning from morocco when customs asked me who I was/ was I was my kids mum [dad absent], and then advised me to take their birth certs abroad as well as passports as I have a different name!! I was bothered by this. I did explain this to ex breifly and he agreed and he signed deedpoll letters. My children dont seem to be bothered by it at all. And, no one has quizzed me at customes since. The kids are fine with it as are many 'together couples' children who have two names.

Thanks very much to the last three posts who are actually supportive and had read my posts before accusing me of being selfish!

I have added my surname Ie changed his current surname to my surname and his current surname to a middle name by deed poll. It cost about £40.

So DS now has Forename Middle names Surname includes his Dad;s name but will be referred to as Forename Surname most of the time.

I am going to mention to DS's dad that I've added my name. As he shows very little interst in DS and as I said grudingly visits one every six weeks or so I can;t see that he has grounds to complain.

He is far to lazy to apply for PR or to go to court and even if he did I am almost certain that my decision would be upheld given the circumstances (which I won;t bore you with)