Feel so lonely, left out and uninspired all the time

[bellbottom]

God it's taken me weeks to write this message. I was avoiding it as I didnt want to admit defeat.

When I became pregnant I knew it would mean single parenting due to the circumstances. But I made a committment, had a wonderful pregnancy and incredible birth. I told myself this would be my major challenge. I prepared for it all. I envisaged what it would entail. Including the loneliness.

My Daughter is 21 months and I've lived abroad for 10 years. I always felt the returning to uk wasn't an option. This place felt more like home. But lately, I cant shift the lonely feeling I get as a single mum. For many months its diturbed me that I have no sense of inspiration when I'm alone with my daughter. I never was the kiddie type before. I am filled with love and have excelled at all the basic stuff to my amazement - have always known what she needs. What shes trying to say. Shes always slept through the night. And her nap. Eats like a trooper. But its more the sense of wonder and fun that I feel has always been missing between us. I just dont know how to tap into her level, and the reason is because I lose inspiration without any other adult company. It just feels theres a dynamic missing. I'm not the imgainative type or a fantasist. I'm a realist. I love to laugh, but my sense of humour is more dry and less childish. It comes alive if I share her company with someone else. But I refuse to indulge in a relationship if I know the man isn't right for me, just because it gives us some company!
I feel like crying all the time but never do. It's all bottled up. My daughter is so clearly happy when she's sharing my company with a man. It breaks my heart. The evdidence is all there that she longs for that on some unconscious level. So much of the time it feels like a void. An empty silent ache.
The loneliness comes from the fact that I feel so abandoned by the world in the evening time. But especially weekends. I find them so painful. Other mum friends are doing their family thing with their partners. If I go to the playground I feel invisible, watching mums and dads sharing the good times with their kids.
My duaghter is lovely, amazing, clever, beautiful. I have boundless love for her. But she's so strong minded that any suggestion I make for fun is refused. I guess I thought having a kid would have more scope for adventure and impulsiveness. But she stubbornyl refuses this. So I feel like not bothering. I retreat into my shell a lot of the time, and find myself staring into space.
We just returned from our regular visit to my parents. Shes clearly so much happier there. It shows every time. So much more going on in the house. Shes a people person. Each time we come back here she becomes withdrawn. We've been back a few days and not had a chance to see anyone. And I just feel so frustrated that I cant offer her that.
Am I alone? How do you all get creative with your kids? How do you know how to? Do you have any ideas or tips/websites/books on ways to play with your child when you feel lost? How do you fill the empty spaces and the silence? How do you make sure your child does not grow up feeling like they're missing out?
I just started an international single parents group here. I have faith that will fill so many gaps for me and parents like me. but it will be a slow process. I need some solutions now. I feel like Im growing a gradual supressed depression.

Sorry for my long message! I needed to write it all down. I hope someone has the time to listen :-(

What a heartfelt message, and i can say, as a fellow single Mum, that i know exactly what you mean and how you feel. Without question, weekends and evenings are the most difficult.

I am a little further down the road than you (dd is 8.9), and I found that what worked best (without question), was to always have a plan for how we were going to occupy ourselves (on weekends especially). Sometimes it was going to a museum (to see a child friendly exhibition or to do one of the weekend activities set up for kids), the zoo/aquarium, the park (went to various parks and playgrounds so neither of us felt bored) and would treat ourselves to a muffin/ice cream, etc at the end. Sometimes we went to the library, or swimming. Sometimes it was even something as 'sad' as getting a coffee (for me) and almond croissant (for dd) and going to a busy train station to watch the people rushing around/flooding out when trains arrived (the guards usually indulged us and let us past the barriers so we could sit on a bench).

I am not an especially crafty, or get down-on-the-floor-for-hours type Mum either, but I got a few books from the library that gave me ideas of games to play/easy things to make. Sometimes we'd make/decorate cookies (even if I secretly threw them away after). It is amazing the different things you can make with paper plates and a bit of coloured paper and glue, if you just have some ideas in mind.

What worked best for us was to get out of the house for at least a few hours every day. That way, even if we didn't interact meaningfully with anyone else, we'd had some fresh air and a change of scenery. The most important thing was to have a plan. Otherwise, it was too easy to feel lonely, isolated, listless, bored, sad, impatient with dd, days stretching out endlessly, etc.

As dd got a bit older (I think around 3.5), we began to have regular Sunday lunches with another single Mum and her dd. Those Sundays were wonderful because it gave us somewhere to go (or we knew someone was coming to us), there was social interaction for both dd and me, and it was a lovely and relaxed way to pass the time (especially when the weather wasn't good). Why not invite people over for Sunday lunch once or twice a month? Or could you invite a girlfriend over for supper during the week? You would have plenty of time to chat once dd is in bed (giving you some adult time), and wouldn't have to sort out (or pay for) a babysitter.

I think you have to acknowledge that what you want as a Mum is probably different than what you wanted as a single/professional person. And your relationships with old friends has changed dramatically (some friendships shift to a different way of being, and some fall by the wayside) as you are available to them in a different way.

I spent some time and energy staring at conventional families and wishing that had been me, and feeling sad for both me and dd that our lives hadn't worked out that way. There is real sadness and grief when your 'ideal' life situation has not worked out the way you hoped/dreamed. But you have to move past that, and find a way of enjoying the life you have. It might take a bit more imagination and inventiveness than simply being in a conventional family unit, but it can be done.

Finally, i doubt that your dd is feeling 'sad' now that you are back home from your visit with family. If anything, she is sensing that you feel sad and lonely, knows that you like having people around, that you feel isolated. Don't feel guilty. If you feel OK, your dd will sense that, and she will be OK.

So.......what is your plan for next weekend? Start thinking! And, good luck. (My reply is probably longer than your initial post , but hope you have found something useful in the rambling.....)

thanks early bird. You're such a sweetheart for taking the time to write all that. I wish I could give you a hug to show my gratitude!

The paradox is that I was never maternal, and yet knew my life would not feel complete if I didn't have kids. Well, getting pregnant and taking the plunge into the most daring of unknowns - single parenthood, was huge for me. But right from the start it felt that this was somehow all meant to be. And I've always felt that I havent really given anything up, as I was always the restless type, going in circles, partying, not achieving. I feel my life is just beginning and has never had so much meaning. But at the same time, I yearn to live out my gifts - and prior to being a mum I had all the time in the world to do that, but no focus.

I have always maintained that things will get easier though. And I try and live day to day. And I've drifted away from all the old friends - right even before the birth. We just felt alien to one another. Or at least I guess to me it seemed that if they were really friends they would have tried to meet me at my new level. But it felt like I had to stay on theirs. And whenever I tried to talk about my life things just went quiet! Early on I started to make friends with other mums. There are a few. And one or 2 single mums. But I think its more the fact that there's no regularity to it. I find its the lack of having something to look forward to that bites. I realise more that ever now that life is so much more rewarding when its shared. And in this case, I refer to life as my child.

You've told me what I think I already knew. But I needed to hear it in such a bold yet sensitive manner. I'm not so good at getting started in the mornings, unless I have some people to meet. So I think thats one of the major challenges.

I guess theres always the other obstacle in my mind of the language barrier. After 10 years here Im noway near fluent. And it kind of halters my in my inspiration to get out there with my girl and interact spontaneously. In my mind I know there will always be these barriers to face...

I was taking her swimming every sunday. But most of the time it felt she wasn't responding to me in the water, and screams the place down when it's shower time as she fears the shower. I sometimes feel like such helpless idiot. As if she doesnt need me or something. I know thats crazy. But she responds better to other people for ideas. And I'm just not interesting enough or something. Maybe it's just my self image that's in the way and she feels that, I have asked myself that.

I'm hoping the single mothers group will bring more regular playtime and coffee times. More lasting friendships perhaps. So far it feels that people come and go, and I often end up feeling like peoples last resort that they turn to when they're all out of inspiration themselves. It's a horrible feeling. Like being second best. The odd one out of the pack. In the beginnning I had nothing but pride. But the last few months all that went stale. And I know that I want to change all this. I guess that's why I started looking at conventional families. And I hate it when I catch myself - as I cant recognise it in me that I would compare myself to others. I've never done that! and always stayed away from people that did it, as I saw it as so very unhealthy and negative! So now that I'm doing it, its raising some very serious questions.

In the next few days when I feel down I wil read your post, and kick myself into gear!

Bellbottom - I understand. I wasn't as brave as you and when I found myself alone, overseas and with a 12 month DD I decided to head for home. While it means that life is easier to negotiate it also means I am living in a place I thought I left behind 20 years ago.

From your post it sounds like as well as finding things to do with your DC you also need to find some small things that make you smile so you are happier in yourself. Are there any hobbies that you had or always wanted to do that you can take up in the evenings?

I am one of those crafty types and having something to sew or make in the evenings really helps keep me feeling like myself.

Or even a good book to loose myself in.

For swimming I have one of these for DD in the pool - she loves it as she is able to kick around at her own pace. She much prefers it to just splashing around with me.

Sorry - DD teething, got to go.

Good luck.

Bellbottom - simply reading your post feels quite weird as it feels like someone else has written down my thoughts very concisely. My DD is 7.5 months, and all the things you describe are feelings I have / am experiencing. I feel I have completely lost myself at the moment and am struggling to remember who I was before DD arrived - I just feel I have lost my way a little and am not quite sure how to get back on track. DD is a real gem though - so happy and content and lots of smiles all the time... and this just sometimes fills me full of guilt and hurt that there is not that other person around to share this journey with on a daily basis and just see how wonderful she is. I regularly wonder if she is completely bored with just me all the time..

I too have tried to find ways to meet other single mums in a situation / age similar to myself so that we could share our thoughts, feelings, worries etc - but it is quite hard to find others in a similar situation whom I could relate too. I think as a many people tend to have family on the doorstep too, they're not likely to feel the loneliness the same. I don't live abroad (used to) but where I am living at the moment is not home as such, and I don't have the support of family close by and tend to see friends on an infrequent basis as they have their own families. So it is pretty much just me and the wee one day in and day out - hence I can relate to your struggle for things to do and lack of inspiration sometimes.

As Earlybird mentioned though, I do try to plan my days well and get out at least once a day - even if just swimming, a trip to a museum or a walk in the park - but as you mentioned, this can also be challenging when seeing families together.. I don't know about you - but it just makes the loneliness feel a little worse. Simply the planning can feel such hard work sometimes and quite draining day in and day out - I guess sometimes you just want someone else to contact you to plan the days. I am also on maternity leave at the moment which means its 7 days a week planning - kind of forget that the weekends are supposed to be for rest

I am trying to stay positive and hope that this will pass and that I have the strength to get through this difficult period - as I hope the same for you too. We both must be very strong people to have gotten this far .

I wish you well and would be interested to hear more about your single mums group if you would like to message me privately.

Regards

bellbottom - how has this weekend been (so far)?

Know just what you mean about looking at other families and feeling somehow left out/inadequate - especially at weekends when it is traditionally 'family time'. But remember, you are idealising what it is to have that sort of family unit. It may not be all it seems.

TBH, now that dd is a bit older, there are very few marriages/relationships among friends that I 'wish' I had in my own life. Don't feel nearly so 'envious' now, as i used to.

i feel very similar these days.
i think i am going to go to GP and get some fluoxetine something.
maybe it can give a kick.
i have used it before, it wasnt that bad.

It honestly does get better... I'm in not dissimilar situation although I am still in the UK. My DD is 2.2 and I have felt, and still feel sometimes, all the things listed in the various posts above. My family are a three and a half hour drive away and I have very few friends in this area. I didn't realise how isolated I would be at evenings and weekends and, to be honest, I thought DD's father would be with us by now but he isn't and is unlikely to be any time soon, if ever.

I work full time so my DD is at nursery in the week (which she loves) and I used to think that weekends with me must bore her to tears. I've found, though, that even a quick trip to the park makes both of us happier. I don't plan brilliantly as my head is usually full of cotton wool feelings due to tiredness etc but we do things like making biscuits, Playdough (I hate that stuff), painting etc. Also, I suspect we watch far too much tv!

As they get a little bit older (even a few months from where you are now) they develop the ability to play more independently which does give you a few more minutes to yourself (as I typed that, my DD emptied a huge box of Duplo all over the floor - serves me right). Of course, they get more opinionated at the same time too!! I've got a strong willed one too - even the nursery staff comment on her exceptional determination so I fully understand that your DD may just reject everything you suggest. I guess you just have to keep trying to find something she loves.

Good luck and I promise it does get better.

thanks everyone.

It helps so much to hear that others are facing the same feelings and the hear such positive suggestions.

Earlybird - my weekend so far? Pretty non existent! Felt queasy the whole of saturday, and proceeded to vomit all night last night, so today i was a weak self-pitying mother lying around and asking dd to chill out and understand. She was pretty good about it actually. Maybe she quite liked the fact I had slowed right down and stayed in one place longer than usual!

Onwards and upwards.

Love to all :-)

I have found so many people on her tonight that I relate to, it feels so much like coming home!

I used to be a regular, but splitting from x recently, and being in a new area, I do feel isolated.

The articulate messages posted have given me hope, talking to me like the voices of authority. The words have left my mouth but they haven't sunk in yet, that I need to get busy, fill-up my schedule and basically get a life

Like the OP, I think I will re-read some of those messages when I am feeling low to give me the virtual kick-up-the-bottom I need.

Hope you have all managed to enjoy at least some of the weekend xox

Yes makkapakkamoo,
I agree. Been giving myself lots of kicks up bellbottom lately. Made a list of ways to tackle isolation for next year. Going to art classes one day a week for starters! Gonna start the year off by getting to know myself in other ways again. Focus on some non-mummy stuff.
Happy xmas everyone! And a wonderful new years to you all x

Sounds like a fab Idea Bellbottom to make a list for next year - I shall try and do the same I think..

Have a great Christmas all and best wishes for 2010 x

have ordered myself an xmas present - no fewer than 6 books including the Lundy one. I figured there's still a LOT of long nights ahead in 2010, so I shall be indulging in long hot baths (dcs willing) with some diy counselling.

I have enrolled in a parenting course starting next month as it is local and has a free creche

And I am spreading the word among friends and family that I am on the scrounge for those forgotten tins of paint and shelving/storage lying abandonded in sheds. I have lived in this place for 7 months and the first 6 of those xp was promising to get around to doing it up. There is something theraputic in decorating, and it's even better when there's no-one to disagree over my colour choices

if anyone has any other ideas i am always here lurking somewhere xox

"The evdidence is all there that she longs for that on some unconscious level. "

no she does not -she is 21 months old.... not 21 years. you are projecting your thoughts onto her...

totallya gree with waht earlybird saiud:
"Finally, i doubt that your dd is feeling 'sad' now that you are back home from your visit with family. If anything, she is sensing that you feel sad and lonely, knows that you like having people around, that you feel isolated. Don't feel guilty. If you feel OK, your dd will sense that, and she will be OK."

i do know what it is like on weekend, when you feel "abandoned", arrangements jsut havent happened or have fallen thru - but make a big effort to get out of the house, to park, feed ducks whatever...

"any suggestion I make for fun is refused"

in play - at home, follow her lead...get on floor with her, see what she likes.... get her involved with cooking, cleaning, copying you...

take photos when you do go out of things you have done places you've been - when you stuck, look at the photos together and see which she goes for, what she likes best.

agree with getting out of house, depends where you live eg small place big city?

but yes fix up more dates with other mums . set a plan for the weekend. if no one is around just make a plan to go our somewhere. go to soft play centre -if you go at same time each week you might meet same people...

go swimming - if she doesnt want shower after - well she can bath at home later, is no big deal.

look at cbeebies website for ideas on crafts etc.

just wanted to say hello and add my support and gratitude for such a great thread. Bellbottom I have been (and sometimes continue to be) exactly where you are. Earlybird's ideas are all great and I've tried lots of that myself - it often works though sometimes life is just lonely and quiet no matter what you do, then it's a matter of coping / coasting and waiting for the sadness to pass - usually by getting on with doing something!

I know this thread was started a few weeks ago, but it would be great if we could all keep checking in and have a bit of mutual support. It's pretty hard being a lone parent when you are really are alone - no xp to take your dc for the odd weekend or evening for example.

Got to get on but will check in here again.

Thank you!

I feel the same way as your original post, its so hard to get the spark that some parents have, im 49 and a single dad I have trouble just keeping it all together, most days I don?t, there is always things I can see that I should be doing and just cant raise my self to it, I get in a general malaise and sink in to the sofa, I so need someone to play against with ideas and enthusiasm to raise my game, my situation does not help, isolated and no help, but for all this my daughter is always happy fun and creative ahead of her age, I hold the bar high for my self and always fall below my own standard, so I just do what I can when I can and hope she is not disadvantaged by me.

I too have felt many a time that feeling of isolation from the 'normal' world, watching families together in the park and thinking 'if only'....
But I think we parents, especially us single ones who feel guilty of our 'failure' to be in a happy relationship, give ourselves far too hard a time.
Firstly, we all get down every now and again. Bellbottom I think you need to relax because your daughter is far too young to understand this....she'll just think you're being quiet. And that's normal. It's ok. We all need chillout time. She doesn't have to be stimulated 24/7. If you want to sit there and have timeout she'll just have to amuse herself for a while, and there's nothing wrong with that. She loves you, you're her mummy and noone will ever be more wonderful to her than you even if you don't feel your best.
Secondly, I used to be in a 'normal' family that everyone thought was a happy one playing in the park and let me tell you things are a lot rosier being single. Things aren't always what they appear to be.
Thirdly, kids aren't on the go all the time. It's good for them to relax and be a bit quiet and play by themselves sometimes. Ofcourse they crave our attention, we're their sole providers. Bellbottom your daughter knows that you are her world. That's why we see all the sides to our children, good and yes sometimes bad. They're little humans, they're not perfect. Other people can get the 'best bits' when you're with family (like nanny getting out the sweeite jar or grandad bouncing the kids on his knee etc) but what better feeling is there than to see the 'boring bits' that only parents understand...like watching your child sleeping, or discovering something new.
Friends do disappear, I felt like I have the lergy or something when I split up with my ex. Both my single-mum aunties have told me that women don't like single friends because they are a threat to their own marriage/relationship and I reckon that's true. But sod them, they aren't friends are they? And that's not our fault. Nothing is 'wrong' with us. Actually, I think the sun should shine out of our backsides because we do a bloody good job for our kids. And we shouldn't assume everyone else is happy.
And there is nothing wrong with showing a little weakness to our kids. we can't protect them from everything. My mum wasn't perfect but I still love her to bits and owe my strength of character to her.

ps I live in Spain, although in the 'little britain' part on the costa blanca. Where are you living? To my shame I haven't learnt spanish fluently either....p'raps we're too busy!!!!

Happy new year everyone!

wow I'm blown away by the response to this thread. I only just checked it after many weeks as I've been back in the UK staying with my parents and flight was cancelled on the way back.

Thanks to all of you for your enlightening and wise responses. I want to hug you all! Its so incredibly supportive to come back and read all this, as I sit here trying to get to grips with being alone with dd again and trying to make a positive plan for the year ahead.

I have so much on my list for 2010. I'm trying to squeeze in more stuff for myself so that I can regain some balance. PLus one of the things I decided is to try and have my diary only half full at maximum, per week, and start to live more impulsively again. In the past year my logic worked the other way around. I thought that if I ddn't make appointments then I would lack motivation. But it hs ended up working against me, as most of the appointments get cancelled anyway! Either that or I end up feeling under pressure to meet, when I may need to get other things done. And the other side to it is feeling tied down by a strict timings, when really there is no need. It can feel too much like a job, instead of going with the flow.

I miss living my life impulsively. And see no reason why I can't get this back a little bit. I also plan to try really hard to ditch binge eating in the evenings to fill a void. It massively affects me energy levels during the day and brings on low moods. So, its of no help! I guess I just want to bring back a spring into my step and work towards feeling fitter and happier, especially as now I can finally say this "next year I will be 40". Eeek.

My biggest obstacle in breaking out of my cocoon and isolated void is the babysitting thing. I'm good at meeting people, and have a large network around me of aquaintances and a few new friends on this mummy planet. BUT, my problem is that I just will not, under any circumstances accept the offer of having dd for a sleepover. I'm starting to feel like a freak on this issue, as have not met any other mums with the same approach. I'm so paranoid of something happening to dd, and despite the fact some of the mums are lovely and I feel I could trust them, its the the idea of their partners being around that gets me. There's a lot of bad stuff happening to kids in this world, and to be honest I fear the urges that some men may have. No matter which way I look at it, it's a gamble, because my mind does not give me 100% guarantee of dd's safety. Because of this, I cannot accept all the lovey party invitations that often come my way. And to be honest, it makes me feel like I am doomed to being single. I did start using a local 15 year old girl, but she's a little strange in her behaviour, and one of the times after she left I found dd with nothing on in her cot and the entire cot was full of pee! How could that have been possible? Dd has never undressed herself in her sleep. She has always slept right the way through for 12 to 13 hours. I was so freaked out and my mind started working overtime. Well, I did use her since then, but have never managed to forget this. And since the start of this year I decided to quit with her. Now Im left with no options, as she babysat for a lovely low rate. But I can't afford the going rate.

I'd like to take the opportunity to open up this subject and to please ask for feedback or ideas. I am a reflxologist, so for me the ideal thing would be to find an adult I trust who would sit for some treatment as an exchange. But finding someone is impossible.

SometimesI feel pretty bitter about the fact that other mums can exchange with one another. But as a single mum I can't do that in return. And unless I meet another single mum with a child of the same age, that we both really click with, then I'm stuck for solutions.

What do you all do?
How is your year going so far?
Any other updates?
I love this thread - so please let's keep it going and stay in touch. HOw about we use it as an ongoing source of inspiration - so that whenever we come up with something that works or makes a difference to our lives we can share it together. Because no matter how small it could seem, it may be the breakthrough that unlocks the key to much more happiness and balance.

Much love, BB