Your take please - Am I being too judgemental/over cautious???

[allchanging]

Hi, I'm new here so I'll give u a potted history!

4 months ago (after years of struggling to make it work) my husband left (at my insistance). We have 2 DD 10 and 4. In my heart of hearts I thought we would reconcile eventually, however I am very glad we didnt and see now how unhapy I was.

Its been a hard time, but we are coping and I know we'll be fine.

My stbxh met someone else a week later (!), she moved him in with her 3 children almost straight away. He has made it out to me all along that it wasnt serious and it was just a place to crash (yeah right!) a few weeks ago he finally admitted he has strong feelings for her, and thinks he's found "the one".

So of course now he wants to introduce her to our kids. Up until this point I have been very hesitant to do this. They know about her, but want to wait a while before they meet her. He has repected that, but I feel he's now getting impatient and expects the to meet her one day and start staying overnight straight away.

I dont know this woman, but I have serious mis-givings about a woman who has a total stranger move in with her kids - am I wrong to be worried? Should I just let this situation flow and see how it goes?

I dont love him anymore or harbour any thoughts of wanting him back, and I dont really blame her for my marriage breakdown, so this isnt bitterness on my part.

I just worry that this clearly re-bound relationship has gone too far too fast, and I dont want my kids to get hurt if it all comes crashing down, as these things tend to.

Is there anyone who can help?

i understand entirely how you feel, and wouldnt be happy about it either, not simply based on your concerns about her/the relationship, but more because you say your DC dont want to see her. They shouldnt, imo, be forced to meet her - and 4 months is no time at all. they need to get used to seeing the two of you as separate entities, rather than mummy/daddy unit, if that makes sense. I would definitely be against rushing it, and would be quite clear on this to your Ex-H.

I am coming at it from a slightly different perspective - I left my Ex 18 months ago - about 6 months ago he started seeing a woman whose son plays football with our DS2. He didnt tell me - or the kids - I found out (long story). He has never told the DC officially that she's his girlfriend, nor will he discuss it with me .

She is a horrible foul mouthed old slapper (I know enough about her to know thats a fair comment if not an understatement - Ex has sunk back to his level) and I hate the idea of her being round my children. He lets her come round to the house, with all her kids, when the DC are there. DC dont like her, hate her badly behaved children & the whole thing is a bit unpleasant. He insists on having the children every weekend but because he wants to go round and shag see her as my boys refuse to stay at her house it ends up DS1 has to go to his friends, and DS2 to nans (ex-mils).

I loathe the whole situation, and whilst im happy hes found someone else (if only to stop him policing my every move) I'd prefer it if he wasnt dumping the boys most weekends & not being honest with them.

Thank you for your reply hatesponge, god your situ sounds a complete nightmare.

So hard to know what to do in this situation. When I say they want to wait a while, dc are making noises about meeting her soon, next few weeks.....I'm just so worried about a stranger being in my kids lives, especially one who imo hasnt made the best choices concerning her own dc (there I go judging again!).

I'll be meeting her beforehand, so at least I can get a small insight...I agree 4 months is nothing t all, they have adjusted quite well, but they have never seen their dad with anyone but me, and I think its going to be alot harder than they realise.

I'm trying to find the balance of preparing them without being accused of scaring them off!!

So sorry for your troubles, at least your boys are sensible enough to make it clear how they feel - shame your ex doesnt put their feelings first

i understand how you feel as welcome to your own opinion.... however, you cant dictate who he sees.

keep things amicable.

you are in a great situation of getting to meet NW first, and kids seem happy to meet in a few weeks then let it happen at their pace.

I intend to keep things amicable as there is no reason for it not to be.

I'm not dictating who he see at all. Who he's with in none of my business, I've never got in the way of that because like hatesponge, I'm just so relieved he's gone. This is purely concern for my children.

I agree with letting it go at their pace, just wondering how to prepare them for it.

I think you are being a bit over-cautious, TBH. Your 10 year old doesn't live in a vacuum, they know at that age what divorce is, and what new girlfriends are. If you make it all very matter of fact the kids will as well.

I do think it is very difficult that he is living with her as this really forces your hand - it's not fair to deprive the kids of spending quality time with Dad just because you don't like the idea of them being with his new g/f, and of course he wants to get on with it if he hasn't had an overnight with them in 4 months!

There are all kinds of strangers in our childrens lives, new teachers, parents of friends, honestly, they'll manage. I do think it is very interesting that you are planning to meet her first - are you going to allow your ex to do the same when you start a relationship with someone else?

I don't think it's unreasonable to want to meet an XP's new partner if the DC are going to be staying overnight with that person. She may be very nice, and she may in deed be a long term partner for your XP (though he sounds like a prize arse so perhaps not). If she does end up in a stempmother role, it's no bad thing really - the more adults in a childs life who are about them, the better.

I think that, much as you don't like the situation, for whatever reasons, the fact is that it really isn't within your control. The fact of the matter is that as soon as you split from the childrens' father, you lose any say in what they do when they're with him, who they meet etc. It must be very difficult to deal with, but that really is the way things are going to be, now and in the future.

Like the other poster said, one day you will meet someone new and I'm pretty sure you will not be expecting your exdp to have a say in any of it - when your new partner meets your children, or anything

I don't really get this idea of wanting to meet the new partner before the children. So what if you hate her - what then? You'll just make things harder on yourself and there's nothing you'll be able to do about it anyway

I didn't say it was unreasonable, SGB, I said interesting - it's only unreasonable if it doesn't apply both ways.

But dont people generally want to meet someone their DC are going to stop overnight with? IE when you have a sleepover, don't the parents like to at least have a quick word with each other first?

yes SGB, but when your DCs are with their father, then it is his responsibility, not your's. That is completely different from a sleepover when the DCs are in your care

For example, say the father takes the DCs to stay over at his friends' houses etc. in the future, you simply wouldn't be in a position to meet the people first - nor would it be reasonable for you to expect to

If all concerned are happy with meeting eachother first etc, and all is amicable - great. But certainly in some cases it won't be amicable, the father will think the PWC is butting in, and like I said, the mother may dislike the new partner for whatever reason

Is it really the case though that exdh isn't a capable father? Or does he just not parent in the same way you do? Did he seem like he would be a capable father before you had DCs?

Thank you for all your responses.

MM, yes I would def allow ex to meet any new partner I wanted to introduce to my children. Its something we agreed on right from the start.

The way I see it is everyone does things differently. I want to meet her, as I believe I have every right to know who my children are going to be around. It doesnt matter if I dont like her, as long as my kids do and they will be the ones who will ultimately decide how much time they spend with her.

I mainly want her to understand there are no hard feelings and I want it to be amicable as I dont want there to be unresolved issues that might in turn hurt my kids iyswim. Ex is a real piece of work, and I have no idea how he's managed to pull this off without making me out to be derranged or something!

You have to remember as I said in my op, i was being led to believe this was all casual and he didnt even want to introduce them to her, I think thats why I'm being so cautious. I really would prefer my kids not to have a string of "dad's special friends" going in and out of their lives if poss!!!

You are all right in saying I need to give up the controling aspect of myself. Its hard, because I've had to protect them from so much that was going on in our marriage, its become second nature.

Really glad I posted, you've all given me alot to think about!!!

Just a word of warning - be careful about leaving major, adult decisions (about how much time they spend with their Dad) up to the children. It's really difficult for them and with the best will in the world, they have conflicting loyalties.

Better to make adult decisions between the adults - by all means listen to the children but beware they may well say one thing to you and another to the X!

Thanks MM, think I worded that wrong. What I ment was if they feel uncomfortable or just dont like her after spending a bit of time with her or feel after the first meeting it is in fact too soon, they wont be pushed into it. Stbx's contact time has been arranged between us.