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Lone parents

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Original poster

court orders

17 replies

mrsmcv · 22/10/2009 19:25

does anyone know implications of transferring residence of 3.5 year old? I have residence of dd and ex-h has contact order. He's making her life a misery by telling her awful things about me because he's still so angry at me leaving him. She told nursery workers what happend and social services have been involved. I've been told I can't do anything about the contact order, or move or anything and it seems to me the only way to keep her safe is to send her to live with him so he can't use her to hurt me anymore. Believe me I know how serious this sounds but I am at the end of my tether, this has gone on since she was born and I just don't know what else to do. I am desperate

OP posts:

DLI · 22/10/2009 20:00

if it is the usual residence order and contact order there is nothing stopping you moving (as long as its not out of the country). You could either stop contact and he takes you to court where you can explain why or you can go back to court to vary the contact order. In the first instance i would get a solicitor to write a letter to him advising him that if he doesnt stop saying horrible things you will stop contact.

NicknameTaken · 23/10/2009 10:00

Yes, get a solicitor involved.

Please don't hand your dd over. I had to have a women's aid staff member talk me down from the same ledge, when it seemed like the sacrifice to me was worth it to keep dd safe and peaceful. He will edge you out completely if he can. Worst of all, the less contact your dd has with you, the more she will believe his lies. She could end up thinking you abandoned her.

DO NOT DO THIS. Don't let the bully win. You owe it your dd to have a primary parent who is thinking about her best interest (and I can see that is clearly your motivation in even considering this) and not his own wants.

DailyMailNameChanger · 23/10/2009 10:12

You can move, you just have to make sure that equivalent levels of contact are made available. As dd is not in school yet there is ery little that he can object to that a court would take seriously and if you have a plan in place that will make hera available for a reasonable level of contact then he would most likely get no-where.

WRT his behaviour, well, going back to court would mean you could explain all of this and explain that you do not feel it is in dds best interest to be exposed to that kind of behviour. The court will, most likely, involve caffcass who will do a report. If things are that bad then they may ask for supported contact for a while, hopefully the process would show ex how importnat it is that he does not behave like this. If it doesn't then you have your case wrapped up.

He is bullying you and using dd, if you hand her over he will use that against you too (Mummy dosen't care, she wanted rid of you) and you will be in no position at all to deny it or put your side across. You really will not be doing any favours to you or dd by going down this route. The chances are that you will lose contact with her altogether in time.

Hard as it is sometimes you do have to let these things play out. Dd will see that the things daddy says are not true - it may take years though sadly. The more he says these things - and the more dd tells people what he is saying the more he hangs himself if you take it back to court (or he does for that matter). Keep reassuring her that you love her and that you would never hurt her do not enter into discussion with her about the things he says unless she has specific questions. Just reassure her that you would never hurt her and you love her every time it comes up. Do not get into "no I did't dd, your dad is just saying that to..." because you will become the same as him in bith dds and a courts eyes.

Get a solicitor, get some advice and stop letting his words affect you (yes I do know how tough that is) his words are just words. I found the best way was to behave as if they were funny "Mummy, dad said..." you say "really? what a silly daddy he is never mind dd, you know I love you don't you?"

Biobytes · 23/10/2009 10:24

I feel for you. I have been considering the same for weeks.

I have just taken Ds to school who made all kind of tricks to pretend he was sick so he didn't have to go to school as his dad is picking him up from there today. He said his father acts as if he hates him, that he doesn't want to spend the next 6 days with him and then accused me that I never believed him when I told him, yet again, that he would have a great time and that I couldn't change the days he saw his dad

I feel awful, I'm not going to see him in several days and he went thinking I can't help him.

HIs father is at the moment asking for DS to live with him in alternate weeks. I can't imagine how DS, who needs so much consistency and stability, is going to be able to cope with this, and I'm also thinking that I would rather see DS go to live with his dad, than putting him through this.

DailyMailNameChanger · 23/10/2009 10:28

Bio, how old is your ds? It is rare that a court would sanction turn about weeks for a young child and an older child will be able to voice his opinion (like I don't want to go to dads) and have it taken into account. His dad should not be speaking to him about it, he should be speaking to you (unless ds is 12/13 yo or more).

Biobytes · 23/10/2009 11:34

Exactly, he should be speaking to him, which he doesn't no matter what. I have sent a reply saying I don't agree to change the residence arrangements, solicitors are involved and yet, he still told DS the times were going to be changed

We are in the process of sorting that up, but DS's upset today was because he is spending half of the holidays with his dad starting today. DS is almost 7.

Biobytes · 23/10/2009 11:35

Speaking to me I mean... rather than him.

And then he doesn't want to talk to him when DS is trying to talk about how he is feeling.

DailyMailNameChanger · 23/10/2009 11:40

Could you get some family mediation time booked? Maybe forcing him to sit in a room and have ds able to say his piece will make ds feel better if nothing else - and let him see you are trying to help him.

7yo is too young for week about IMO, I am fairly sure a court will agree unless it has already been in place and working well. At this age his voice could be heard through a cafcass officer but probably not through a court. You would have to make it clear that ds's wishes are consistant and valid which is not so easy to do without a cafcass report backing you up.

NicknameTaken · 23/10/2009 12:11

Sorry you're facing it too, bio. Is there anyone like a GP/teacher who could write a letter saying that your ds finds these changes distressing, so it's not just down to your word?

Biobytes · 23/10/2009 13:45

Mrsmcv, I can get them to write it down, and surely I would if he insists. However, I doubt that the teaching saying that DS asks her to ring me on the days he is back from his Dad is going to have much weight in court.

I don't think he is a bad dad, and wouldn't want to hurt him just to get at me (although he does but I think is not intentional). But, if your DD's dad is being very nasty, the act that he has involved Social Services may actually work in your favour.

I agree that a court order is difficult to challenge, but if CAFCASS gets involved, there is hope. It is just probably about keeping strong until they do, it may get very bad before they are asked to intevene

DailyMailNameChanger · 23/10/2009 13:56

Yes it will carry weight in court as they are in independant professional. your Cafcass officer should talk to his teacher in any case so you could just ask them to mention it when they do?

Biobytes · 23/10/2009 14:14

I don't have a CAFCASS officer but I am ringing mediation straight away.

DailyMailNameChanger · 23/10/2009 14:17

If you are going to court without a Cafcass officer could you just ask the teacher to write to your solicitor with her experience of ds on the days he is going to his dad? She may be willing to do it if she is noticing negative behaviour? It is so sad, sorry you are all going through this

Original poster

mrsmcv · 09/11/2009 10:19

thanks to you all for your support in this. I am going to get the courage together to see solicitor to see where I stand. I don't want to just break court order without trying to do things through proper channels though my experience of trying to do that has nearly driven me mad. Know in my heart of hearts that although dd should see her dad, he's not best option to bring her up and would mess about with contact if he thought he could get away with it. Wish I'd never met him

OP posts:

mmrred · 09/11/2009 18:43

Be really careful about breaking a court order - if ex takes it back to court for enforcement it is much harder, IME, to be heard, as the focus (and rightly so, really) is on getting the court order adhered to. I think you are better off asking to vary.

laurila · 10/11/2010 10:26

HELP !!!!
CAN ANYONE TELL ME IF THERE IS ANY CHANGE TO WIN CUSTODY WHEN CAFFCASS REPORT IS AGAINST YOU ??????????????

whiteandnerdy · 10/11/2010 11:00

Define "AGAINST YOU?????", I think if your looking for help and advice you need to offer a little more information on your situation.

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