New to this: dealing with your sadness at separation from kids

[Mumfun]

Hi

Ive been separate from H now for 6 months. Really really hard overall: he does pay and visit kids but I never wanted split so really hard for me.

On top of that I have loads and loads of problems. But the thing that really gets me down is him taking the kids for the weekend - and also thinking forward to longer periods of time away from them when he wants to take them during summer holidays etc. I just cant deal with it psychologically. It gets me really really down. I do have a few single friends that I can do often do things with. I know Ive been told its about me and not the kids as they want to spend time with him - but basically H has taken a heck of a lot away from me, at the same time Ive suffered a lot of other loss - and then the last thing I feel Ive got left - my kids - only aged 3 and 5 then get taken away.

I know I should do things for myself etc - I do but I dont get much enjoyment from them at all. I think Im on the verge of depression just due to circumstances.

Any advice as to how to cope is welcome. I no longer have any family near (another big feeling of loss) so cant get any practical support there -and theyve not been great TBH at supporting me from a distance. DOnt think they really know what to do.

well i guess you know the answer.

but i think its a good life skill to be able to enjoy your own company. earning to let go a bit and not need anyone else as a crutch.
hard i know.

is there not something you really used to enjoy,but can't do so much now you have kids?

Thanks. Yes Im doing a couple of things newly that I used to do - but I mainly feel a bit numb and not getting a lot of enjoyment TBH. I am really trying but its so hard. I am so sad and finding it hard to get over the loss of our family life together that I used to love. I can let go of him - but its the happy family life and the kids going away that get me down.

I feel EXACTLY the same. My DH moved out a week ago and this is his first w/e having the kids. Last night I was so depressed. various repetitive thoughts:

• I didn't have kids just to get rid of them every other weekend;
• Good things will happen to them that I won't winess, bad things might happen that I can't prevent or console them about;
• I gained a lot of self-confidence from my role as a Wife and Mother. I was proud of it. Now, I feel unimportant, guilty and like a failure;
• If I enjoy myself when they're not here, I'll feel awful;
• The things I used to like doing when single (cinema, socialising, shopping) feel so small and selfish now. I'm working this weekend, plus cleaning and redecorating all justifiably "useful" things just so I feel less guilty for not looking after my children.

It's so horrible. I completely empathise. I don't know how to help, except to say, I'm so sorry and I really, really understand.

I'm so glad you posted about this, by the way, as everyone I've spoken to about it doesn't get it at all. I've just heard loads of, "But think of the freedom! You can do whatever you want!" and I just think, "What I want is to mother my tiny children!"

Gosh Beautiful, Im so sorry too. Most people I know dont get it either and I feel exactly the way you do. Its so hard!

Oh, I really do feel for you - I am about 18 months down the line from our separation (in similar circumstances - I didn't see it coming nor want it).

My boys were just 2y and 5.5y.

I used to HATE it when they went to their dad, since the beginning they went one weeknight (5.15pm and he drops at school/cm the next morning) and one full night/day at the weekend (alternate Fri night & Sat then Sat night & Sun).

At the beginning I probably spent the whole time crying, and it was made much worse by our youngest not wanting to go at all.

I couldn't say at what point it got better - but it has.

I still miss them, but I do enjoy the break from them, I enjoy not having to get up the weekend morning, I enjoy having the evenings to myself and not having to do the whole tea / witching hour / bed thing a couple of evenings a week.

This summer they went away with ex and his new partner and her daughter to CP's for the week and I was dreading it - but actually it did me alot of good, and while I was pleased to get them back, I enjoyed the time without them.

So, all I can say is it takes time, and in the meantime be kind to yourself.

I used to work every time dd was with her father and somehow this was easier. I have changed jobs because my ex decided to refuse to have her if I was going to work. Having 'free time' can sometimes be really hard. Be gentle with yourself - you don't have to suddenly take up 5 hobbies, start dating, redecorate the house and study for a higher degree (ok a bit OTT but I just mean that we can put a lot of pressure on ourselves) while your children are away. If you don't feel too great but manage to catch up sleep, and do some tidying, and maybe something low pressure like a lunch out with a friend for the first few times, then slowly you will be able to look back and realise that it has got better. I have terrible times still after 18 months but I also have good times too. And I seem to be able to recharge a bit too. Good luck to you, I am so sorry it is so hard just now.

Hey Mumfun,
i felt exactly the same when i first split from DS's father 6 months ago. He has him 3 nights a week, normally two in a row then one at the weekend. at first i cried the whole time. now i am fine the first night, but by the second night i just want him home with me. It has got a lot better though, i can do other things even though it's at the back of my mind and i am always aware of his absence, i can enjoy myself (still feel a bit guilty when i do).
I have a new man and everything. i would never ever have envisaged that i would be as happy as i am now. it's not how i wanted life to be, but i found that once i accepted that being miserable wouldn't change the situation, i am more able to live with it... and be a bit happy too!
Good luck.

mumfun, I guess its never easy, my h moved away 5 months ago and hasn't had them once since. I know I would feel the same as you if/when he did want to have them, but sometimes Iam just so tired, I think it would be nice just to have a little break.

I will be keeping an eye on this thread as ex and I have separated and I am moving next week.

I am already struggling with how I will cope etc.

Just when I was about to start a new thread I came across this one which completely captures my dilemma, just as Beatiful has described, is exactly what I am terrified of feeling. However, these posts are so reassuring to know I'm not the only one. I hope you don't mind sharing my story here. I'm in such a quandry whether or not to leave DH. We've been together for 11 years and have DS10 and DS5, but things came to a head this year, when he betrayed me and then lied about it. I can't trust him and I don't love him anymore. We both avoid the all important question - should we seperate? I've tried on many occassions to deal with it, but DH gives me the silent treatment and then attempts to console me that everything will be okay. Well it's not not okay and the issues continue to fester inside me to the point now where I have to take action. I don't want to give up our marital home, unsettle / uproot the kids to another part of town, which is what will happen, because the fall out will cause huge shockwaves in my community around here, that I'll be considered an outcast and DH's family will want nothing to do with me. I can't deal with that additional stress, so my only option is to move away, but at the same time I don't want to put the kids relationship with their father at risk, by moving so far that he doens't get to see them until weekends. DH doesn't want me to leave. He will do anything to stop me from going, which is why it breaks my heart to see him so vulnerable and sad. Another dilemma is the kids schooling. With DS1 in Yr 5, I don't think it would be good to put him in a new school. My head is spinning and I feel physically sick thinking about the consequences of my actions. I just don't know what to do.