Just found out via CAFCASS report my ex h has remarried....

[SarahMac30]

OK....need to rant. Long story re DD and her Father (ex husband). DD is 6 and decided due to his behavior she no longer wants to see him. He is emotionally abusive towards her. Just had our CAFCASS report through.
Family Composition......he married his girlfriend in August. Hence DD now has a Stepmother as well. Should I have known? Should I tell me DD who is about to be ordered against her will to a contact centre on CAFCASS recomendation?? It also states that although they married they are not living together as she works at the other end of the country to him. Is this normal?
Also very upset at Cafcass report. So many inacuracies and although she was clear about how she feels and even wrote things down for CAFCASS they have taken the view that I am to blame for her feelings towards her Dad. It could not be further from the truth. I now will have to take her to see him at a contact centre and try to persuade her to go in to see him.....although she is adamant she will not. Of course they will then say that I am the cause. I am at a loss as to how they do things. Surely putting her in that position will have a negative effect on her. WHat will happen if she refuses to go in? Am I expected to take her in in a distressed state? How on earth am I supposed to protect my Daughter when the very person who she is afraid of (the cafcass report quoted her as saying she is frightened when she sees him) has them convinced I am to blame. I might add we have been seperated for 5 years and in that time I have bent over backwards to make their relationship worse.
What to do........now I have to read in a report that he has remarried and I will at some stage have to tell DD......not good timing for her with all this going on already.
Rant over....for now!

Why do You have that?
That is so unfair.
Whyd do you get ordered to do the dirtyu work.
Is there a way of cafcass or someone else you trust to take her and then they can see how she is. She then won't 'blame' you so much.

Don't tell her, let him handle it. You do not have to do all his dirty work!

Re the contact centre, do you get an opportunity to meet with the staf before you have to take dd in? If so tell them you are concerned that she will not wnat to go in and you are not sure how you will be expected to handle that. Listne to what they say and work out how to make it work best for you.

The staff will have to do a report on the contact so if they see dd being upset and you trying your best to encourage her to go in then that will reflect well on you and support your concerns about the contact going ahead. They will also notice how your ex handles her refusal to interact with him.

has it been ordered in court yet?

if you know which centre then go along for a visit first...with or without dd,they encourage that.

ask them how they handle reluctant kids (she won't be the first)

my 6 year old luckily has been listened to with his thoughts on seeing his dad. he has phone contact twice a month only. but his behaviour has been very extreme,and cafcass aren't daft. my officer came to my house and said she had never ever had to recommend no contact to a judge before my case.

Thanks all for your replies.

Cafcass haven't ordered that I tell her. I just know that it will have a profound effect when she is told be it via me, him or someone else.

Ilovetiffany and Dailyname....thank you for such sound advice. Nothing has as yet been ordered. I just have a copy of the report. I have also just found out from that, that the directions hearing is on Thursday....nice of them to let me know!!!! I am going to ask for it to be postponed as I have a commitment I cannot get out of on Thurs and I need some time to prepare and instruct my solicitor. I have not been able to retain her recently due to the cost but this evening my parents offered to help out with that.

The report has in my view been rushed. The hearing has already been postponed as they were bogged down and did not meet with us in time. This time the report has been rushed through having been written on the 5th with the hearing on the 8th. Final hearing is now on the 13th.

I will indeed go to visit the contact centre although it is a 40min drive from our home. They have suggested this as it is open on a Sat afternoon as the local one is only open on a Sat morning....when DD does her beloved dance classes while I work. Thankfully they took into account that I would have to give up my Sat morning job and for DD to give up an activity she loves to go there.

I was hoping that phone contact may be the starting point. At the moment he has letter contact every 2 weeks.....she will not even read the letters so the chances of direct contact being a sucess are remote. I feel I am the one being monitored and scrutinised now. They admitted on the report that they have no worries about her care from me and that they can see she is in a loving home so I am at sixes and sevens about the rest of the report which almost directly accuses me of having a negative influence on her.

I am just devestated for DD that she will now have to go through this and as ever I am the one to pick up the pieces of the fallout.

phone contact would be the next sensible option,but no point if she won't go near the phone. can you request that the cafcass officer,who did the report,is there on the first meeting? cafcass sometimes meet with the dad and child to guage reactions before doing the report.

Yes....he did meet with DD and Dad. That's a sore point too. She spent 10 mins refusing to go in until he said she could look in thru the window.....long story short....he said we could go. My Mother took DD to the loo and when she came back she had said that she would like to have a peep thru the window. He whisked her straight thru there into the room with her Dad. She has been restless and distant since then with bad dreams. Been back to see his managers. She even wrote down in her own hand her feelings on this and they said they would take it into account. Nothing there in the report about that at all......DD is 6 but reading and writing age 8.5. They took a copy of her writing too!!! In her mind now it is sorted as she thought the ladies (the cafcass officers managers) had listened to her and they apologied for what happened. So so so complicated.

you need to make sure the order given at directions eharing is for supervised and observed contact at the contact centre, with written reports given.

you dont want a contact centre staffed by volunteers - you want one with trained profressionals who will observe and report back to CAFCASS adn court.

eg this is explained here there is a difference between observed and supervised - different levels -

www.theaccordcentre.co.uk/ObservedContact/tabid/812/Default.aspx

www.theaccordcentre.co.uk/SupervisedContact/tabid/813/Default.aspx

do not let him have anything less than supervised contact where the staff will observe and record the sessions.

it is likely you will ahve to agree to supervised contact but you can reassure your daughter that the staff will be tehre to look out for her and you should certainly be able to go and meet them beforehand and see the centre.

have your solicitor make sure that you ask for supervised contact/observed contact and that full written reports are given regarding the sessions before the next hearing.

now if he behaves in those sessions and works to get her trust - well then, all well and good for your daughter - if he does not if it takes time to even get her in the room then next hearing you can ask for this to continue...

you could also pursue family therapy/psychologist for her too - i am not sure if there is place you can get psycholoigists overseeing contact - i think anna freud in london does this -
www.annafreudcentre.org/mbft.htm

lsit of national contact centres
www.naccc.org.uk/cms2/index.php

she wont need to see his wife at contact centre - you could talk with staff about him bringing this up with ehr but as others said - is his problem not yours.

if he really wants to rebuild relationship with her then he will work with contact centre staff and her.

it wont be your job to persuade her to go in and see him - let the contact centre staff work with her on that. all you need to do is tell her he is her dad and he wishes to see her. the centre is safe place and staff will be on hand.

if you can visit your local centre before the hearing or just call them on phone to ask about observed and supervised contact it might help you?

i have not yet seen the reports from contact centre but i do know they were positive, hence has now moved to supervised but outside contact centre. but i would imagine this might take some time with your daughter.

i know other children have continued with contact centre for a year or more where there have been significant issues.

Thank you so much Cestlavie.

I have been to a meeting with my Sol this afternoon. I have said that I will agree to the contact centre however in the interim period where we are waiting for a place (there is a 2 month wait list) I would like him to try phone contact with her to bridge the gap. I really feel that if she is plunged head first into direct contact after such adamant refusal she is unlikely to have any resolution. I want them to take it at her pace. Will see tomorrow if he agrees to this before we go to a full hearing.

I have asked for him to agree not to mention his wife. This would have a devestating effect on her at this stage.

I have also asked for observed contact and apparantly you can get a cafcass officer to attend and observe.....this is all assuming she will go in there to see him.

If anyone still insists I am unreasonable or adverse to her seeing her Father I will explode......the report made out that I am like that despite my instigating contact with him over the last 5 years!!!!

Let's hope he will agree and we will avoid a full hearing.

What has he done to make her so afraid of him and not wanting to see him, if I read right she was 1 when you split??
How much contact as he has to now, why does he want more just now??
Not blaming just asking to better advice!

Oh I do feel for you, I've go no useful advice to add but just wanted to sedn some big hugs.

My ex is basing a whole case on me trying to block contact despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary and it astonishes me how far he's managed to get with it.

Hugs
Mad

Why will it upset her to find out Dad is married? She's never really known the two of you together, so what would be the problem?

I JUST BEEN THREW THE SAME THING, MY DAUGHTER HAS REFUSED TO GO WITH HER FARTHER SINCE HIS GIRLFRIND CAME ON THE SCENE FULL TIME THEY RECENTLY JUST GOT WED WIT OUT TELLING MY DAUGHTER OR ME, HIS WIFE HAS SENT ABUSIVE MESSAGES TO ME THEY HAVE BROKEN ON TO WHERE I LIVE AND LIED ABOUT WHERE THEY LIVE, I VE ALWAYS PROMOTED CONTACT N MADE SURE MY DAUGHTER KNOWS WHO HER FARTHER WAS, HE IS ALSO IN THE ARMY SO GOES AWAY ALOT BUT HIM NOT HAVING CONTACT IS MY FAULT. THE JUDGE RECENTLY THREATENED TO GIVE HER FARTHER RESIDANCE IF I DONT P[ROMOTE CONTACT AND FORCE HER TO GO. MY DAUGHTER IS 3AND HAS ONLY LIVED WITH HER FARTHER FOR 6 MONTHS WHEN SHE WAS FIRST BORN AND WE LIVED TOGETHER. WHY ARE WE MADE IN TO THE BAD PEOPLE NOW WHY HAVE RIGHTS GONE SO ONE WAY. I FEEL LIKE SHE ISNT MY DAUGHTER IT DOESNT MATTER WHAT MY OPINIONS ARE OR FEELINGS OF HOW MY DAUGHTER FEELS AS LONG AS HE GETS HIS OVER NIGHT CONTACT.
MUMS NEED TO UNITE!!!!!!!!!!!!