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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Its all geting abit much now.....

14 replies

startingagain · 04/10/2009 22:28

We split up over 5 months ago, i think i have spent that time kind of thinking he is coming back. But he's not. About two months ago i kind of suggested he came back but he wouldn't. We had a crap relationship so that would have been stupid.

I am working all hours, night and day but it just about covers bills, if that. I have a few debts unfortunately. Ex pays a small weekly amount but only drops it off when he feels like it, so i have waited all weekend for money to get food.

He still seems to want to control us. He is currently buying and doing up a new house, we are left in this horrible house. I can't afford to buy things when they break or get shabby so the house looks abit unloved. I also think my standards have slipped, i just don't seem to have any enthusiasm anymore.

I will never meet another man, don't think i want to but i am over weight anyway so i don't suppose i am very appealling!

Life is just a struggle of work, bills, juggling money, worry, housework and thats about it.

Sorry to go on but i just needed to get this off my chest. I am also feeling the pressure of all this responsibility being mine.

How can i do it all, diy, gardening, house..... I have tried the last 5/6 months but all of a sudden it has got too much.

OP posts:

mrsmortenharket · 05/10/2009 11:03

(((((((((())))))))))
we all have days like that sweetheart xx

first of all, get yourself to a solicitors or the local citizens advie bureau. don't worry if you think you can't get legal aid, the sols will usually have a free half hour appointment. try and write down a list of questions that you can ask, that usually helps (i didn't do that nad got in a bit of a mess!)

don't worry about housework, just do what you can and as often as you can - it will get less and less soon enough.

x's are like that, as dd's dad is. he's a controlling bugger and doesn't like it when i stand up to him. let the solicitor deal with him. if you don't like yuor sol, change to one that you do get onwith.

you will meet another man but i think it might be best if you didn't, give yourself time to mourn what you used to 'have' kind of thing.

it is an awful responsibility but soon the good days will increase

sorry it's short and sweet but am on library pc and only get an huor and it's nearly up!

you will be fine

mrsmortenharket · 05/10/2009 11:04

apologies for spelling mistakes xx

TEAINNEED · 05/10/2009 11:16

First of all dont say sorry for going on you needed to get it out and im sure thers a lot more thats going round your head.

ive been seperate from my ex for nearly 2 years now and there is still periods when i think that i cant cope but it passes its a blimp that gets less and less and you do become stronger with time.
Are you getting working tax credite and have you contacted the csa, the csa can take control they will work out from what his wages are what is a sutiable amount to pay you it can then be taken staight from his wages before he receves it so that you now exacly when you will get it not when he feels like it, he has a responsability to pay this also were the dets in both your names if so speaking to a solisiter would get this sorted out the dets are his 2..if your on a low income you could get legal aid.

do you do anything just for you no house work or chores included something just for you? it might sound silly but even a couple of hours doing something that you enjoy and make yourself take that bit of time out for you as you deserve it and it really does recharge those batteries to cope with life again..

As to metting another man you will you say your over weight, the right man will see whats inside that your heart that counts not how over weight you are, you need to like yourself have faith in yourself and belive in yourself..Things will ger easier just please take a bit of time out for you..

mrsmortenharket · 05/10/2009 11:28

tea's right, it's been two years and a few days here you will feel stronger soon. i know that when i look back the old me (when i was with x [was he with me ever tho?]) just seems like half of what i feel like i am now

Original poster

startingagain · 05/10/2009 13:26

Oh thank you bothYou made me cry, but i think, in a nice way Not really had much time for crying...thought i was abit 'weird' lol!

I wanted to know what it felt like further down the road and you have really helped with that

I am gettng a small amount of wtc, i am trying to do as much work as i can so that i don't need that really, its just been so much hastle getting it etc., i would like to not have to bother with it really.....

I don't really want a man, i spose i just know i wouldn't get one right now as i'm not looking my best....

I also get what you mean about feeling a different person now...sometimes i feel the old me coming back. I used to be happy and fun but he kind of took that out of me.

Thanks so much for being there, non of my friends seem to think i should be having a problem with all this

I really wish the both of you the best aswell, i will follow your lead

OP posts:

citronella · 05/10/2009 13:44

5 months is still very soon. As the others have said don't think about whether you will or won't find someone else. You need to build yourself up and find 'you' again and believe me in a year's time you won't recognise yourself.
I get lonely at times(I left him) and the relentless work, kids, housework cycle wears me out at times but I have got my spirit back (about 18mths on). I feel alive again and you will too

ps CAB were very helpful with financial issues. Also see if you can get a few counselling sessions via your GP to help you make sense of things.

cbmum · 05/10/2009 14:00

Have a look at www.resolution.org uk

They have helpful online guides and you can look up details for your local solicitors.

mrsmortenharket · 07/10/2009 11:36

i don't really need a man either tho that depends on my frame of mind

as for "non of my friends seem to think i should be having a problem with all this" i don't think that there are many friends who would cos i had the same thing - it's not to say that they don't want to be friends with you, it's just that maybe they don't know what to say now that things have changed for you.

and it's not a 'bit weird' to cry - it's a bloody hard job being a parent and it's even harder being a lp, i am one of the world's worst for this - sometimes you need to take a step back and look at what you HAVE acheieved - 5mths is a short time - even tho one day can feel reaaly loooooooong- you (tho it might not feel like it)are slowly getting back on your feet and yes, it might well be one very painful step forwards (at times) and three huge steps backwards but gradually the balance will change for the better.

what you do need to do however, is think of the practicalities. you NEED to get contact issues sorted out, let a solicitor or your local c.a.b. deal with it (you might need to ask to make appointment to see a specialist adviser at cab) and it might seem a hassle now but it is so much easier in the long run having someone detached who can help you deal with things as they come up.

Original poster

startingagain · 07/10/2009 22:43

You are right, i'm in a more positve mood today and i agree with what you said about looking at what you actually have achieved. I had abit of a panic yesterday as my shower broke.....just seemed like the last straw! Anyway, i looked on the internet, ordered the parts and now i am going to mend it myself!!! I hope it goes according to plan and then i will feel really pleased

I know my ex WANTS me to fail, he always said i wouldn't cope without him, i REALLY want to prove him wrong.

Thank you so much for your help

Thank you also to the mnetter who posted the link, will have a look.

OP posts:

mrsmortenharket · 08/10/2009 10:17

yaayy!! good for you! lookee here

Original poster

startingagain · 08/10/2009 13:37

Ahh! Thanks for that mmh

OP posts:

mrsmortenharket · 09/10/2009 12:44

hows you today?xx ((((())))

Original poster

startingagain · 10/10/2009 08:52

{smile] not too bad mmm, how about yourself

Loads of things breaking around the house though this is what i had dreaded happening...but so far i am not letting it get me down too much!

I am going to try and get onto each thing one by one and try to sort them myself.

Got a busy weekend with my dd so won't have much time to accomplish much but hopefully next week will be more constructive!

OP posts:

KaPe · 10/10/2009 12:14

From my own experience, it is important to get help straight away, as opposed to trying to muddle through this mess until it gets so bad that you can no longer see a way out.

The Citizens' Advice Bureau should obviously be your first call. They will be able to help you with a lot of things ... managing your debts, telling you what you are entitled to, getting legal advice etc. Don't be too proud to accept help! Your doctor might be another source of help, especially if you feel really down. Don't be ashamed, you are certainly not the only one out there.

As for your weight or the way you (think you) look ... the most attractive thing in any person is a biiiiiig smile on your face and a sparkle in your eyes. Once you get that back you'll probably have to carry a biiiig stick to keep the boys away from you. I guess you could advertise any you don't want on the "Fit guys" thread.

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