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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

That "providing free childcare for you" phrase

18 replies

notevenamousie · 31/08/2009 20:59

Used, by my ex, in his most recent e-mail, to describe all his contact with his daughter.

I am SO angry, I don't know what to do with myself, I love my girl so much, I (have to) work and I pay to provide good quality childcare(I believe), DD spends small, occasional, bits of time with my mum, so I get a lie in every month or so, and it seems great for both of them. I don't need him.

But I want my DD to have the best relationship that is at all possible with her parents. How do I get past this overwhelming anger about this use of words and please, please say I am not alone to feel like this.

OP posts:

epithet · 31/08/2009 21:02

Am actually enraged on your behalf! What an AWFUL thing to say.

I think he needs a strongly termed reminder of the fact that he is her FATHER. What a tosser.

Sorry, I am really angry now!

Really sorry you are dealing with this crap - you and your girl deserve better.

colditz · 31/08/2009 21:02

You say

"Is that an email I should be keeping to show your daughter how much she means to you? Or would you like tyo retract that?"

Original poster

notevenamousie · 31/08/2009 21:11

Thank you.

The e-mail arrived yesterday morning. Depsite the fact that we have played, baked, painted, been to soft play, been to friends for lunch, and of course eaten, bathed and slept since then I still feel crap.
Thank you for reassuring me it isn't me that's causing the problem here - sometimes I feel that it is - will try to be more assertive.

OP posts:

DONTtouchMUMSspecialJUICE · 31/08/2009 21:50

mamas12 · 31/08/2009 21:56

So that's his new career change then child minding?
He is a Dickhead.

Mamazon · 31/08/2009 21:56

oh it pisses me off too.

I offered Xp an extra weekends contact as i had a wedding to attend and they children would have rather gone to see him than come to a boring wedding.

he said that he wouldn't be an unpaid babysitter.

As i pointed out, i don't consider myself an unpadi babysitter of his childrfen the 90% of the time that he doesn't have them.
you cannot babysity your own fucking children!

so yes i feel your pain

mrsmcv · 01/09/2009 19:39

argh! count me in for this one. Asked xp if he wanted extra time with dd so I could go to wedding and he threw it back in my face that I'd only done it for his convenience!

Know how awful you feel, notevenamousie,any conversation with my idiot childish selfish stupid ex leaves me feeling rubbish for days.

There have been times though, when he's come out with that 'free childcare' phrase that I have smiled secretly to myself and said 'yes, you do. Thank you very much'.

Mind you mine has got the hump about me making the most of my time without her instead of sobbing like I used to do so now he brings her back in the night saying she's got too upset to stay.

Is there an island somewhere where all these nutters could go and live together and not bother the rest of us?

northlondonmumma · 01/09/2009 20:32

Please tell me where that island is and have an xp to send there too. i am sorry to hear your ex has upset you. he does sound a nob, just like mine. sometimes it makes me feel better if i remember why my xp says these kind of things (he has also talked about babysitting his own kids too). i think it cos they are hurt. we hurt them as we have their beautiful kids and we do fine without them, we dont need them. it hurts them (cos they're men and like to feel needed) and so they want to hurt us back.
do you agree?

not suggesting that excuses them but when i think like that i sometimes pity my xp rather than being angry with him.

who knows.... def treat yourself to glass of wine though and have a good rant about him. that always helps

QueenOfFuckingEverything · 01/09/2009 20:36

Oh what a wanker

My ex once said to me, "I don't come to see her for your convenience you know" !!!

This was after he dropped in to see her unannounced a few months after we split, and I suggested he take her to play in the garden so I could wash the kitchen floor.

Janos · 01/09/2009 21:36

I too would be fuming at this mousie

It INFURIATES me to hear men (sorry but is usually is men) referring to looking after their kids as 'babysitting'.

He is her FATHER FFS!

Uuuurggh. And what Mamazon said!

macdoodle · 01/09/2009 21:58

Same here - mines classic was "I'm not babysitting so you can go shagging"
He was the one that had the affair for more than 6 months !!

Original poster

notevenamousie · 02/09/2009 09:55

Thanks. No reply as yet to the brief e-mail I sent.(it said basically, you can see dd whenever you like, come and collect her and drop her off within reason, but you are not feee childcare because I don't actually need anything of the kind)

I wonder if meeting in person might ease this sort of thing (it has been pointed out to me by friends) but he won't come without his nw - is that fair? - should I be able to invite someone myself therefore, of my choosing (my very wise, legally trained, aunt, perhaps?) if this is the best way to go? At least written down I have evidence of his crap if it does come to court.

I am sorry so many of you have heard it too but I am really grateful that you have spared the time to support me.

OP posts:

lost4words · 04/09/2009 22:51

It's not just my ex that says this kind of thing, then?

Men. Funny buggers.

CarGirl · 04/09/2009 22:56

I am also so fuming on your behalf!!!!

Are these exes all just control freaks and they can't bear to see you getting on with your lives without them?

waitingforbetterdays · 08/09/2009 23:16

Well obv in his opinion it is your responsibility to look after your dc, even if it did take two of you to make her.

Most men are fucking loosers and use child contact as a way of getting at their ex.

I often feel upset that my ex doesn't care about our dd half as much as I do but claims he does. I too have had the free childcare thing said to me before. They should be glad to see their dc's.

prees · 17/09/2009 14:22

In defence of Dads, we went to family court at my DP's ex's request to sort out contact some years back. We asked if we could have his DS and DD over once during the week as well as weekend and were told by her (backed up by judge) that this would be very bad and UNSETTLING for them, so we had to back down. 3 weks later Mum signed on for an evening course on weds evenings and told us we had to have them on these evenings,It was hard not to feel like unpaid babysitters. Tempting to say no because of how UNSETTLING it would be for them and she should get a babysitter at home but obviously we wanted to see them. I could add more but it makes me cross to think of it...

mmrred · 17/09/2009 23:05

I think your idea of some kind of face to face meeting is excellent (mediation?)and let him bring the nw, show you aren't the least bit bothered. He must have his own issues for wanting to denigrate the contact in this way, but whatever they are, they are nothing to do with you. He's the little saddo, you rise above it and don't let it hurt you.

HerBeatitude · 17/09/2009 23:10

Make sure you keep a copy of that e-mail, you may need it in the future.

What a disgusting way to talk about maintaining a relationship with your daughter.

And how much it reveals about how emotionally involved he feels with her.

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