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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Poor dd, still living in despair inside her heart

18 replies

ipiratethief · 01/08/2009 23:14

Hi,

It's me piratecat of old. Just ranting. Been on here for baout 3 yrs saying the same old about ex dh.

It's never going to feel any better for dd is it, despite me wiling her on, championing her cause.

False promises from her dad, let downs of monumental scale. Lies, and a daughter who just feels like crap inside. I can't make it better, not mend her heart i mean.

I'm sure she can feel my annoyance, at the whle situation, o mean when she starts getting upset. i try to say mummy just doesn't have the answers anymore, or the power. But christ it kills me to not be able to make her feel better.

He promised to be better, but it's all backfired again, and dd doesn't want to see him. So he stops ringing, then now she's missing him. Yet she says she's not sure if she wants to contact him, cos )in her own words)

'I don't think my heart is strong enough yet mummy'

wtf wtf, am i supposed to do/say? I have done so much, and his insults a few eeks back really were the last straw, but i altho i feel like giving up I can't stop can i? For her sake. I have explained I think we should wait for dad to make an effort, that mum has had enough. But i sense she wants me to do more. Yet if I say 'ok let's ring him and see if he'll see you' then I KNOW he will let her down again.

catch 22 has nothing on this. I feel so bloody useless.

OP posts:

Tortoise · 01/08/2009 23:16

Don't know how to help but that made me feel very . Your poor DD.

Original poster

ipiratethief · 01/08/2009 23:19

and I have had convos' with him a 100 times, or tried to. He doesn't get it, he doesn't care.

i have toldher he loves her but he doesn't really care, which was one of the hardest things i hav e said. Yet i had to after all this time, becuase it's not 'norma' how he treats her, and she was starting to think it's normal. iyswim

He slams phone down, he calls me mentally ill, and i wish I could tell her, cos then she could be more angry.

but she's only just 7.

OP posts:

Greensleeves · 01/08/2009 23:21

poor little love

It must be a knife in the guts to have to see him do this to her.

I can't suggest anything helpful, but you sound very loving and supportive and clearly she can really talk to you about how she feels. That counts for a lot, now and in the long term. Lots of children have two perfectly nice adequate parents and still have nobody they can really talk to.

Original poster

ipiratethief · 01/08/2009 23:22

it's like living in a nightmare. you know how things become 'normal' , well this is her normal, and i want tthat to go away.

she said tonight, and it's not the first time, 'i love you mummy, but he's ruined my life'

We have bee in counselling for a yr, but it's not making her feel better.

OP posts:

Greensleeves · 01/08/2009 23:25

It must be awful, I think we all assume as mothers that we will be able to pretty much set the basic tone for how our children are treated and what they will and won't be put though

but if her father is ill-treating her (which he is, the bastard) you have to watch it happen and try to support her I would be wishing he would fall under a bus personally (and I never say things like that!)

your close bond with her is the best thing she has though piratecat, hold onto that.

Original poster

ipiratethief · 01/08/2009 23:26

god 'i'd do anything, and do all i can. my ex knows thisof me, hey i used to do it for him. I feel like he expects me to just make up the shortfall. Thats fine, i wouldn't do any less, but I can't make it up to her can i.

My feelings of just telling her 'no that's it, you are not seeing him anymore' are mounting.

I have never felt bitter, towards him, for leaving us, just very very sad. The way he portrays me, well i feel bad but almost want to act the way he accuse me of being, God, wouldn't that make a mess of things. But no, it wold only hurt dd.

OP posts:

Greensleeves · 01/08/2009 23:30

I'd be feeling like making a clean break too. I don't know whether you can or should do that though, I haven't been through this

He's an idiot if he thinks one parent can just replace another and his behaviour isn't affecting her. He's a selfish pig for not caring about her feelings. And a weirdo for not WANTING to make that relationship the best it can be.

poor you and dd

but she will still be a happy, loving balanced person, because she has a great mum who comunicates with her and respects her feelings. She'll know more about sadness and anger earlier than you would like, but she will still be secure and loved. (I had a pick-up-put-down dad too, but I didn't have a mum like you)

Original poster

ipiratethief · 01/08/2009 23:30

greeny royalty! thanks. It's good to hear perspective from someone new.

Oh i live for hoping it will turn out ok. I just find it more and annoying and want to go fuckingmad, when she starts crying about him. I am not angry at her, just angry at the situation she is in.

Our talks can last for about 2 hours, are always at night, and tbh we havent had one for about 2 weeks. So there i was feeling content she seemed ok. But it's always there. Somehow, we thrash it out, and get to the end, with some sense of calm, and a few wise words shared. This has to do till the next time.

It's all she's known since she can remember poor thing, he left when she was 3.

OP posts:

puffling · 01/08/2009 23:32

It must be terrible for you. You're in a kind of limbo waiting for a time when your dd will be able to understand the situation fully.
I don't really know what to suggest except to keep yourselves occupied with your day to day lives making them as positive as possible.

Original poster

ipiratethief · 01/08/2009 23:34

'a mum like you'

thankyou.

i love her so much.

i had similar too, like you said.

I will never understand why he can't incorporate dd into his life more.

OP posts:

Original poster

ipiratethief · 01/08/2009 23:37

my sis,( also very hurt by him, as they were very close) said to him a few months ago, in a rare but desp exchange' if you can't do right by piratekitten, then leave her alone'

his reply in sombre and flat voice 'i can't live without her'

OP posts:

Greensleeves · 01/08/2009 23:44

oh what a wanker

my dad used to get drunk and moan "I'd DIE for you"

and I used to think "I don't need you to fucking die for me, I need you to live for me, just a bit, some of the time!"

glad your sis is supportive, but don't know what to say to make it less raw for you, seeing your child being hurt is the worst thing there is

justmustard · 02/08/2009 10:32

Pirate, your post made me cry. I really feel for you and your dd i really do. What more can say?

edam · 02/08/2009 10:49

That's desperately sad, pirate. What a tosser.

My father was also bloody useless when I was a kid. Let us down again and again. As a teenager, I used to try to tell him how it made me feel and he'd pretend to want to make an effort but it never happened.

Thing is, although it really really hurt, we had our mother batting for us, and knew that she loved us more than anything in the world and would fight like a tiger for us. We came through it.

She couldn't make it all better, which I know was horrible for her. But her love helped us to cope. And yours will help your dd immeasurably.

edam · 02/08/2009 10:50

Oh, and love and support from other adults - my mother's close friends - helped too. Sounds like your sister might be very important to dd?

winnie09 · 02/08/2009 10:55

ipiratethief, I feel for you and your dd I really do. My dd spent from the age of 2.5 being messed about by her father. It broke her heart and she saw him about 10? times from 2.5 to 12. He came back into her life as she hit 14 and his unacceptable, unforgivable behaviour has had dire consequences. He has really messed her up. She was a happy little girl & teenager despite being desperate to have him in her life and since he has been in her life she has been on a path of self destruction. If I had my time again I would not be reasonable and I would have followed my gut instinct and not allowed his unacceptable presence in her life

I WISH that I could say something more constructive.

Original poster

ipiratethief · 02/08/2009 19:07

edam, i hope my love does the same for my dd as your mum's did for you. dd hasn't many adults in her life, as location dictates, esp with family. BUT I have a few friends who are very important to her feeling good about herself.

winnie, my gut feeling is similar to yours. hasn't always been as you always think the dc's are better off having the dad in their life, but at what cost.

dd has been happy today, has had a party to go to, and lunch out. let's see what bedtime brings tho.

OP posts:

edam · 02/08/2009 22:20

I'm sure it will.

We didn't have much family around either (none at all on my mother's side), that's why grown-up friends were so important. Other adult role models, people who loved us and cared about us and taught us about the world. It's all good stuff. Hang on to your friends and introduce them to dd, especially as she hits the teenage years!

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