nursery worried about DS due to EXp attitude and treatment

[ridingjoker]

nursery parent evening.

told me they have been doing emotion dolls in particular recently to bring DS and of his shell.

any of the upsetting emotions sad,angry,worried...... every single one of these he keeps saying he feels like that "when daddy shouts at me" or "when daddy gets me into trouble"

and he's wetting himself during a particular thing they do. and i can identify its to do with what happens when doing same activity at his dads.

and he's developing an over critical view in himself. and being very hard on himself sometimes.

i know the staff very well. and they felt the need to have a word with me. they said they are certain these issues all come from a parent being very strict, restricting play and giving him a very hard time when he fails to do simple things like wets himself or eats dinner too slowly.

and they had identified it was his dad from the emotion dolls

luckily they say all the happy emotion he named me. and when asked why i made him happy he simply responded "coz she's my mum"

and they say whenever in same room as dd he's a million times better.

so..... tried to speak to ex and he simply says that this is the way he is.. and thats how he expects his children to act/be treated

wtf can i do to try and get him to ease up on the lad. he's such a sensitive wee soul.

tiffany - this thread is not about my financial situation.

and of course i "let" my ex have control.

not all situations are black and white, when i say my hands are tied then thats how it is. please stop questionning me on it.

i'm looking for advice on getting ex to ease up on ds or how i can counteract his attitude.

and as for the bedwetting issue. this is around lunch times. he keeps doing it when in formal dinner settings as ex refuses him to get up or speak during formal dinner.

your ex refuses to let a 3 year old child go to the toilet during dinner,or even speak??

its not just about this issue at all. you feel you can't challenge your ex or force him to look at the situation,or adapt his parenting. you say this is due to money!

how do you know he isn't allowed to move/speak during dinner at his dads?

sorry,my posts sound harsh when i read them back. i don't mean it this way!

gobblin - i was saying it wasn't that bad as i was being jumped at about abuse. which i never claimed there was.

trying to point out to those who were saying i should deny access that it was in no way that bad.

sounds like he's a patriarchal stubborn italian man who is doing it the way he has seen it done

sorry to stereotype

tiffany i know because i witness it. it was always like this. even as a baby he would get upset if they made too much mess or noise in high chair. once in own chair they have to sit down, eat, no tv, no mess, no talking as adults talking.

when i collect and their having lunch if i'm later it is still this way. its just his ways.

children seen and not heard in certain circumstances.

it is not unheard of.

it is not abuse.

just harsh for a sensitive boy like ds. as i said in op.. dd just ignores and carries on making mess and noise regardless of what exp says.

sorry, never said in op. i deleted it after typing it

right,so if you witness it,then its not just coming from the nursery.

your original post struck me as quite scary. your son says his dad shouts and gets him into trouble,and you say your son is very critical of himself. i think your ex is slowly,slowly damaging this little boy.

tiffany - rather than telling me thats he's damaging him, why dont you offer some advice.

rather than simply judging what is happening to my son, judging my financial situation.

otherwise please leave this thread as you are clearly still disgusted by my situation.

i'm off out. need to go supermarket.

if anyone has any other suggestions on how to get ex to be less harsh can you please suggest them and help me out here.

I am a teacher and play therapist and work in a primary school supporting children and families with emotional difficulties.

Actually, activities where children are invited to discuss their emotions and identify when they might have felt like that are very common in schools now - 'circle time' happens in most classrooms from pre-school (and has done for years), and the SEAL (social and emotional aspects of learning) curriculum is being rolled out throughout all schools. Also personal and social development is the main element of the Early Years Foundation curriculum.

Children should always be invited never requested to participate and staff should have basic INSET training - and it shouldn't ever be used as an information - finding exercise.

To those saying 'just stop contact' - if the courts have directed contact, it is incredibly difficult / impossible just to stop it.

Social services would almost certainly not take any action due to their very high threshold and being completely overstretched and under-resourced - but nursery should log it as a concern for future ref.

OP you're in a horrible situation and I hope you find a way through. I do think that the love and care and support you give your ds will go a long way to counteracting what his father is like, while in the long term you try and find a solution. Good luck.

good post purple.

sounds exactly like the kinda thing involved in emotion dolls.

OP - short-term, just keep listening to your ds, asking him about how he feels, letting him know that you care about how he feels, helping him find ways of expressing if he's sad or angry...all this will help

The dad's not going to change in a hurry, but you can at least be proactive in helping ds deal with it

i really don't understand how you can just stand by and watch it happen!!

well you want advice. is there a court order for access? if there is,then return to solicitor and ask for advice there. they can liase with family courts,cafcass etc and look into it further.

you give very limited information though. how is access in general? does he take advantage of your good nature and mess you about? is the whole access thing a mess?

you won't go the court route though due to financial reasons.

speak to your health visitor. they are usually unshockable,but then posters all have varying opinions on HV's so may scare you off doing that

i already suggested another detailed meeting with nursery. i'm sure you don't want the wetting continuing into school years,so they may be able to refer you to someone else

gp.....with regards to the wetting

sorry,i'm no help. your post rang a bell with me thats all. i left my ex when he started to destroy my kids confidence. its taken years to restore it.

purplejennyrose, what a sensible and compassionate post. Thank you.

as i've tried to say i think he's lucky to have someone to counteract it. i had a very critical parent so did my sister (funny that) what was more likely to bounce off of her hit me hard. it's the temperaments that come into play too - as you're observing with diff between dd and ds.

one thing you could do, as a means of getting help for ds rather than nec getting action against ex, is go to see your GP, explain son's probs, what has been witnessed and said by nursery, stress of break up also etc and ask for a referral to a child psych who may would actually be qualified and experienced (as opposed to nursery workers) to assess the situation of your son's emotional state, do some play therapy and work with you to give you advice, strategy, techniques to help him. he may also speak to ex but whether you want this, how it happens etc is further on down the line. most importantly it would be some extra input and support.

i agree this doesn't equate to real abuse, though not ideal parenting. individuals, cultures, generations all have different ideas on parenting and how children should behave. you don't say when you split but it may also be possible that dd had more stability at key age and ds has experienced more stress/instability/emotional distress around him and is therefore more insecure and needs some help and extra input to overcome that.

books, psychs, doc, anything to inspire you with positive tools to up his confidence and resilience. i'm not saying as someone nit-picked that you being nice will make him feel good when you're not there but that your positive input will strengthen him and help counteract more negative stuff in the long run in terms of its lasting impact on his self esteem and mental health and ability to withstand criticism etc. Sadly we can't protect children from every single bit of 'unidealness' in their lives - they'll also have shitty teachers, may get bullied etc. But we can try to do all we can to build them up.

How about the GP - do you think you could do that? Would probably need to be a bit pushy.

Is it an educational psychologist or a nursery school staff member who is making these conclusions? They seem rather definite and conclusive don't they?

i would be extremely cautious about a psyche consultantation coming from unqualified teachers / nursery nurses. Particularly with reference to this is a parent's fault.

are you being referred?

come next sept i wont have to rely on ex financially. i will be in a position then to have more control over the situation.

in trade-off scenario it is better in the long run to try and manage the situation till next september and then i can be more forceful with ex as he wont have the financial hold he has at the moment.

and no, i wont go to court. that will inevitable put ex in a worse frame of mind.

we are reasonably amicable and have a good access arrangement that suits us both at the moment. it is a bit ad hoc on his behalf but thats mostly due to his work commitments.

i do believe my dc benefit in certain ways from seeing ex. but in these aspects of his discipline i need to get him to see he is being too harsh on ds.

i think i will approach HV first. as they are good at my GP.

in the nursery its the manager who had the meeting had said it was her who did the emotion dolls. as she was able to tell me the exact wording he choose. and they have this documented along with the occassions he wets himself. along with many positive things he does. each child has a profile with what they call "observations", which are just little notes taken when they feel dc do things worthwhile noting, be it good or bad.

the manager and owner both come from pschological backgrounds as original career paths.

no idea what experience or training the nursery staff have. there is a wall full of certificates but i haven't specifically looked at every individual one. i shall make a point of doing it next time i'm there.

i will also be asking the nursery if i arrange for ex to go and collect or drop off dc sometime soon they can have a meeting with him.