nursery worried about DS due to EXp attitude and treatment

[ridingjoker]

nursery parent evening.

told me they have been doing emotion dolls in particular recently to bring DS and of his shell.

any of the upsetting emotions sad,angry,worried...... every single one of these he keeps saying he feels like that "when daddy shouts at me" or "when daddy gets me into trouble"

and he's wetting himself during a particular thing they do. and i can identify its to do with what happens when doing same activity at his dads.

and he's developing an over critical view in himself. and being very hard on himself sometimes.

i know the staff very well. and they felt the need to have a word with me. they said they are certain these issues all come from a parent being very strict, restricting play and giving him a very hard time when he fails to do simple things like wets himself or eats dinner too slowly.

and they had identified it was his dad from the emotion dolls

luckily they say all the happy emotion he named me. and when asked why i made him happy he simply responded "coz she's my mum"

and they say whenever in same room as dd he's a million times better.

so..... tried to speak to ex and he simply says that this is the way he is.. and thats how he expects his children to act/be treated

wtf can i do to try and get him to ease up on the lad. he's such a sensitive wee soul.

goblin - my ex will just disappear to italy for couple of months if he knows there is someone looking to contact him.

if he doesn't want to see ss then he wont.

I agree that situ does not sound abusive but the nursery are right to bring this up.

Def get 'written evidence'

I do understand the reluctance to cause trouble for the ex as mine delights in causing all sorts of problems for me but sometimes they NEED to be given some what for and, well, tough if they're upset by it.

If nursery dont feel it is abuse then do nothing. If they are concerned then they have to do something. You wanted advice because you are worried your x will make your life difficult if you get involved and my advice is that you dont have to, nursery has to. If you dont want to do anything and you dont think its bad enough for nursery to do anything about it what advice do you want?

Positive parenting is fine when he is with you. But if his dad is intimidating him dont expect him to remember that mummy is nice while you are not there, small kids live in the present and do not think that everything will be ok in the future when they are unhappy now. Would you leave him at nursery if they treated him like that? Of course if nothing is really happening then it wont matter anyway.

I hope he is ok.

you are not neglecting your son don't take that idea on board.

SS wouldn't get involved in this kind of situation anyway. Nursery have done the right thing flagging it up to you so you can be aware and watch out for DS.

Also, what ellagrace said.

look at it this way - what harm can a letter or a call from the nursery do? Not a lot - after all, it's coming from the nursery, not from you, so it shouldn't sour your relationship any further.

What good can it do? Well he might, might just listen.

I know you think that's unlikely, but doesn't your ex deserve at least the chance to better his parenting, and more importantly, doesn't your son deserve the chance to have a more sympathetic dad?

I really don't think you've got much to lose by asking the nursery to just call or drop him a sympathetic line. If nothing else, if you ever do have access issues then having all this in writing can only strengthen your case.

gobblin - you make it sound as if i am allowing my son to be abused.

i have to choose between the best of 2 bad situations.

what would you like.?? i refuse access and we cant afford rent or food? i already get all the government help i can. but with 2 dc under 4yo, it is very difficult to cut all contact and live on benefits.

i think i'm doing better by my son if i allow the minimal access and we continue receiving maintenance so i can clothe and feed them to a good standard.

i would say its more abuse to neglect food and clothing, and will leave him in a worse of emotional state if we are all suffering from being solely reliant on benefits.

i suppose perhaps i am looking for advice on how to conteract ex behaviour, or someone with experience and anyways of dealing with improving ds view of himself.

emotion dolls. they show range of different emotions. all the group sits down and discusses the range of emotions.

ds is 3yo. children are not asked or forced to participate in talking about them.

the nursery staff will give examples of times they were happy. if the children want they can take a doll and explain a time they felt that particular emotion.

the overly strict parent was just a possible explanation the manager had for ds over critical behaviour. but it is correct exp is very very strict. with ds.

Op......... It seems that it's all about moneychere. You're child is suffering, yet you let it continue, so you continue to get money???!!!!

That is disgusting.

no tiffany - so my dc get money. not me. where do you suppose i get £1500 a month for nursery to go back to work full time. there are other options and part time and childcare. looked into all that.

but... guess what, with 2 dc at their age i am only £20 a week better off as cant go back to previous employment so back to minimum wage.

but... take into account travelling costs for me to get to a job and i bet thats my £20 gone.. or even more expensive.

I think many of you are being melodramatic and incredibly hard on ridingjoker.

This is a very difficult situation - yes, perhaps her ex parents in a less than optimal way, but to deny access on the basis that he is a bit strict is ridiculous.

The nursery have NOT suggested any kind of abuse, ridingjoker has NOT suggested any kind of abuse, and there is enormous amounts of research to show that children do better when contact is maintained with NR parents, even in sub-optimal situations, and when they don't grow up in poverty.

thanks youngvisitor

I totally agree with youngvisiter.

Why on earth has this turned into lets bash the OP, who has come on asking for advice in a difficult situation?

Her ex is being strict and no it is not an ideal situation but this is not equal to child abuse. The nursery have flagged this up as a potential concern.

he's just strict. not really abuse.

meal times - gotta sit, not move and suppose he dictactes which food should be eaten in what order. i.e pastas then bread. not the 2 together. or not bread first.

potty training - he's getting better. but used to get upset and scold him for wetting himself. but he has changed tact on this and stopped being quite as harsh.

he doesn't smack them or harm them in anyway.

ex is generally a huffy person. if ds does something he doesn't agree with or approve of he will just be in a mood with ds.refuse to play with him. thats his punishment. tell him to go play with his toys or sister by himself.

yes it is harsh and not fair on a child.

but its not abuse.

other ways he's strict is just if out in public or at relatives he's gotta sit and not make noise,mess or generally do much unless invited to play with cousins or whoever he's visiting.

From the op abuse is suggested imo. I have reread my posts and only 2 have been harsh but they were not in response to the op. I have not had a go at the op that I am aware of, nor have I tried to suggest she is allowing her child to be abused.

I am a bit when people say one thing and are ever so concerned then get advice they dont like and start adding stuff or backtracking (or vice versa, when people dont think they are being taken seriously they start saying things are worse than they first suggested).

But I do think for an adults behaviour to make a child so nervous and upset they wet themselves something is wrong. If the op knows why this is happening and doesnt have a problem with it then no need to do anything. But I wouldnt lie to nursery for xp, that will just pull you into it if they decide to report it. Nor would I say being nice to him when he is with you will make it all ok when you are not there. It doesnt.

gobblin... from the op i said ds was sensitive, and looking for advice to help get his dad to lay off of him.

if you have taken that the wrong way then so be it.

and as for your .... if you suggest i am covering up for an abusive ex then that is your own opinion and you are entitled to it. but you are wrong on that account.

riding joker......i appreciate its all a juggling act. i have 5 children myself to juggle,and do a crappy little job also. yet my ex is on benefits and pays us just £5 a week. so i do know!!

and its because i know that i'd be acting on this. can you not arrange a meeting at nursery to get further clarification on this? tell them its worrying the life out of you.....i would!!

also,why are you letting your ex have this control over you with regards to money? not read whole thread,so if its covered already i'll have to go back and read from start.

i'd feel free to lodge a complaint against the person who said you were sick and obviously to totally disregard what they said.

i left because i was getting irritated by the way this way heading with hysteria and implied slights at the poster.

lots of us, hell all of us grew up with less than ideal parents, not all of us were lucky enough to have one parent on the ball, aware of it and countering it as best she could and on the look out for it crossing the line into the realms of needing further action, withdrawing access etc.

i also agree that the nursery is way out of their depth anyway. i am a teacher and psychotherapist by trade and cannot understand nursery assistants piddling about with such emotive activities as this without any training, apropriate boundaries, environment, permission etc.

i'm sorry you've taken a bashing. a lot of people take their negativity towards their ex and animosity towards their break up and get it all twisted up into an immediate jump to the dad is a child abuser, should withdraw access immediately because he's not perfect, etc kind of hysteria that i believe doesn't help - you can feel panicked, stressed and overwhelmed with your own struggles without getting all of that projected at you in a disguised fashion and then getting accused of being a bad mum when you don't buy it hook line and sinker.

not even read the thread but felt entitled to tell you you're sick and judge you were just after money!

disregard it.

and as for your .... if you suggest i am covering up for an abusive ex then that is your own opinion and you are entitled to it. but you are wrong on that account.

I didnt say that! I said when people change the initial story because they get advice they dont like. You are jumping to conclusions about abusive ex, I didnt mention anything about that. It was a general commeent about when threads go this way.

If you want advice to get xp to lay off your lo then say that, dont say that nursery are worried about him so are using emotion dolls to get him to talk (never heard of this before except in cases where abuse is suspected), he is wettng himself (classic sign of abuse), tells tales about daddy shouting and being mean, is developing issues with himself (another classic sign) and that your x doesnt care.

I havent suggested you are covering things up, I havent suggested you are doing anything wrong. I have given you my opinion based on my experience in a similar situation. You then said it wasnt that bad which makes me

And before anyone jumps on 'classic sign of abuse' obviously on its own any of those things could be perfectly normal or a sign or a zillion other things, it was the sum of all the points that said it to me.