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Advice please - have also posted in relationships - Need to leave but terrified for DS

5 replies

mademesmile · 30/07/2009 13:31

I need to leave my DH, he has been very abusive for the past 4 years and this culminated in him threatening to kill me whilst he was drunk last week. He feels he doesn't have a drink problem but drinks 5 nights out of 7 and regularly drink drives albeit his excuse is he has only had 3/4 beers and he is fine, but not in my books. The nights he doesn't drive he will often be paralytically drunk and doesn't know what he is doing. When he is like this he always wants to go and get DS out of bed in the early hours of the morning to chat and when I stop this happening DH becomes extremely verbally abusive.

I now no longer feel there is a future for us, I have tried repeatedly to work on the relationship but he has told me he has no respect for me, and is more than happy for me to leave him and meet someone else, and that I am a disgusting C**t so there really is nothing left to work on.

My massive worry is the care of my DS, I do all the care and have always done so, he hasn't bathed him for the last 5 years, fed him, doesn't know where his clothes are in the house etc etc. and I have given him every opportunity to help out, he just feels that is womens work. He does like playing boy sports with him and games with him and being out and about on bikes because thats the fun stuff, but whenever he takes him out he will 99% of the time incorporate a trip to the pub during the time they are out. Whilst he is in the pub he will leave my DS outside to play, whilst god knows who is around and anything could happen.

I am scared to death that something will happen to my DS whilst he is with him and out of my care if I have to hand him over at weekends.

I know I need to leave for my sanity and it's not healthy for a child to grow up in such a dysfunctional environment. With regards to access is there anywway that I can ensure that he doesn't have him overnight but just every other weekend in the daytime, that way he will have to drive to another area to bring him back to me and that will stop him drinking excessively as he will only run the risk in our own village!

I really want them to have a good relationship and the last thing I want for my DS or his relationship with his father is ta hideous custody battle but I just know that you can't leave a 5 year old to fend for himself.

I would be really grateful for any advice

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NewLeaseofLife · 30/07/2009 13:37

Hi, This sounds like an awful situation for you. I am not very good at offering advice on these kind of issues but hope someone will be along soon that can help.
From what you say i sounds like your ds is at risk if left alone with your H. I would get legal advice asap.
Good luck.

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noraledger · 30/07/2009 14:15

Hi, his behaviour and abusive tone is very similar to that of my exp. The only thing i can say to you is that i put off leaving time after time as i thought it was best for my dc's. But, they became more and more distressed.
The day i walked out i never looked back. Yes it is hard and one of my dc's does have to see him, as ordered by the court (ahole)but i am building my case for cafcass and over all it was the bravest but best decision i ever made. If you cant do it for you then do it for your ds.

Good luck xx

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ChrissieL · 06/08/2009 08:18

Hi,
If you really fear for your son when in your ex's care, you can apply to have the access through a contact centre where it would be supervised. I'd recommend ringing the Gingerbread helpline on this, it's a free service and they're very knowledgeable and approachable - 0800 018 5026.

Don't stay out of fear, you'll feel so much better taking control of the situation - something you ARE able to do with the right information and support.

Best of luck!

Chrissie x

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MaeBee · 07/08/2009 11:03

contact womens aid immediately. they can help you with advice and support on all sorts of matters, and signpost you to your local agencies.
www.womensaid.org.uk

or call:
0808 2000 247.

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OnlyWantsOne · 07/08/2009 11:11

Make arrangements and leave. Keep you and your DS safe - you will be doing this by leaving him. Have you got any where to go? Family?

Don't worry about access right this minute. This could even be the wake up call your DP needs to realise he cant act like a twunt.

Good Luck love