Ex-discussing our

[popcorn123]

Split from exH about a year or so ago. He was emotionally abusive and prone to violent outbursts - it was my choice 100% and he hasn't accpeted my reasons to leave.
I live in a rented place, he lives in family home.
No further forward with access/legal stuff as he refuses to commit to anything and I have been a bit overwhelmed by the legal stuff I haven't been dealing with it quickly enough (also money is very tight and I earn too much for legal aid - every trip to solicitor seems to cost several hundrend and I want to be clear in my mind what I want before I go back)

Anyway - ex only had ds's at his mums for the first year -his choice-i was happy with this as he has never learned how to look after them and could be emotionally abusive to them and grossly over thte top punishment e.g screaming in the face if ds2 when 14 months as he was picking and eating crumbs from the kitchen floor and implying loudly that that he was very badly behaved or deliquent to be doing that. I rarely left them with him when we were together - he was happy with that.

Anywhere I sent a soliciors letter in March trying to set formal contact time - 11-6 one day a the weekend and one-2 evenings 5-7.30. And also asked for some maintenence as he has never contributed. He refused to pay and then said he would have them overnight - I believe the main reason for this is so he will have to pay as little as possible if he is forced to pay up.

Anyway his mum stayed with him for the first couple of times and now he has then on hisn own. There is no set pattern - it can be 2 x week or once a fortnight. I usually get 24 hours warning.
Usually he only has then from 8pm-8am as he will pick them up from his mums bathed and fed and he drops the off in the morning - then is seems to be OK. When he has then on his own for longer - one the ds gets upset, something happen and they are not happy.

He is filling there heads with stuff they shouldn't be involved with. Today ds1 (4) says you have to move back home with daddy because we have to live together and someone else should live in our house. He said daddy told him to say that.
ds2 (3) said to me when I said we would nip round to daddy to pick up a forgotten toy - "be careful mummy, daddy doesn't like you - he will push you hard into the other room" and refused to go and get the teddy.
At pick up and drop offs I get snide comments like "black suits your evil nautre", "you are a cold hearded bitch", don'y you hate the person you have become" - most of this is said into my ear rather then out loud but it still isn't on.

I told him yesterday that I would not tolerate any discussions other than details of the boys during drop-off and pick-ups and I didn't want him discussing any details of our relationship with ds's. Clearly this will be water off a ducks back as he will do waht he wants.
I clearly can't force ds's to say what has been said - as this isn't appropriate and will cause then further distress.

Sorry this is so long - basically how can I set fixed contact times- I have tried for a year - he won't do it. Is court the only way.
How can I prevent him trying to manipulate the dc's into blaming the relationship breakdown on me, his sufferring becuase of it and trying to get me to move back home e.g telling dc's that they are suppossed to have 2 parents at home and it is wrong to just live with mum etc.

ds are happy generally but ds1 can be aggressive and difficult when he returns home eg hitting me etc for 24-48 hours then he is back to normal.

Sorry title should say "how to stop ex discussing inappropriate topics with dc's"

its best to go court route in situations such as these.

you need proper stability now anyway,they are approaching school,so it will need to be sorted before all that starts.

if you do end up in court,you can self represent or engage a mckenzie friend to assist you,as it could get very expensive.

try looking at www.wikivorce.com as there is excellent advice there,with lawyers online too.

I wish i could suggest something but i am still in the early stages of sorting out my own mess!!

I know what you mean about solicitor bills though. I am not in a position to get legal aid either as i earn too much aparently.

It was suggested to me by other people on this site to try and get some sort of mediation then draw up final suggestions with the solicitor? This will keep costs lower and not have to involve court.

Remember, you ds's will grow up one day and hopefully see him for what he is. This is a hope i am holding on to for my two dc's.

I have found in my own circumstances that court really is the only way. I am now down £2.5K and dont really have an awful lot to show for it.

Good luck.

No answers for you, but I'm so sorry and shocked that you and your Dc's are going through this. Your ex does not deserve to have them IMO. I am though, a bit of a man hater atm.

I hope you can get good advice soon.

I would definitely advise you listen to Tiff. I have had some brilliant advice that i have used form her and i seem to be getting it all a little more straight in my head.

Thanks

Yes ds1 starts school in 4 weeks and I said to ex yesterday that we must have fixed times set as starting school is stressful and exhausting enought for a 4 year old without not knowing where you are staying from 1 day to the next.

noraledger- that is a huge amount of money not to be further forward. The solicior I have been dealing with seems very sensible and keen on mediation so I will have to go back.

Will look at wikivorce - the difficulty is ex doesn't to move forward as the status quo suits him fine.

Does anyone have any advice about trying to manipulate the dc's. I have just been trying to calming explain things to them like "no mummy is not going to live with daddy again - daddy made mummy sad when we lived together and I am happier now and explain that this doesn't affect how they feel about their dad i.e it is OK with me if they like their dad - that will not upset me. But ds1 is starting to be protective of his dad. One day he was talking about his uncle teaching him how to play football.My mum asjed if his dad played football with him (No) and picked up on the mild critisism of his dad and said yes, sometimes.
ex has phoned in the past just ot tell ds that his isn't well and could he tell mummy that he isn't well. Again I try to explain that daddy is a grown up and does not need looking after (He had a cold)

I also hope that one day they will seem him for what he is - but I suppose that takes time and has to be entirely their own decision.

Thanks mrsjammi -cross posts. This is what I have been trying to do but is so frustrating that because someone is biologically related to someone you have to accept them treating your (and their) children in a way you would never allow some one else to like a relative, friend or teacher.

Wish I could turn the clock back and have recognised the warning sign before we got married.

wish i could turn back the clock too popcorn.

thanks for the vote of confidence nora,its all different in each case,but there seem to be so many men out there who act similiar!! wish i knew nothing about it.

unfortunately,it comes down to proof popcorn. proving that he's puttting this stuff in their heads.

My ex tries to manipulate my dd she is very nearly 3. He say's things to her like 'mummy's at work AGAIN so she is too busy to be with you' or 'mummy at work because money is more important than you'

I guess the only way i get round it is that before every visit by ex i tell my dd where i am going and why. I dont know how much she understands but i do know that during the visit (that is supervised) when ex tries to say things like this dd always corrects him and say's 'mummy work for shopping' or 'mummy need money for dd'

At the end of the day i can never stop him saying it but my dc's are the most important thing to me in the world and i will always tell them where i am going and why. As they grow up they will understand that you get nothing in life if you dont work hard for it.

Keep talking to them, be honest with them and never doubt their understanding. They will grow up to always know tne truth and that is the most important thing.

Thanks nor - nice to hear that others are dealing with the same things.

I am trying just to listen to what they say and not interfere to much as I want them to always feel they can discuss things without judgement and they don't have to hide things.

I was concerned about my 3.5 year comments about daddy hurting me as it has been at least 18 months since he would have seem ex pushing or hurting and I doubt he remembers specifically as he was under 2. Which makes me worry that he has beeen pushing/being rought with dc's.

If you feel there could be any kind of abuse going on where ex is pushing or being rough with dc's then go the legal route. Trust your gut feeling and dont ignore it.Ultimately their safety is paramount.

You know your dc's better than any one so keep listening and maybe start writing a diary just incase things do esculate.

ds2 comments and my ex's strainge behviour our the last day or so made me worried.
Usually when I try to talk to him about access, his bevaviour etc he gets argumentative and doesn't back down.
He was very quiet listened and didn't comment and when our text messages he seemed anxious that I wasn'y going to let him see them this weekend. He only ever behaves like that when he knows he has gone to far and hopes that if he stays quiet for a while I will forget.
He has then today between 11 and 6 and I'm sure he will be at his mums so they will be ok.

I have been keeping a diary since he started seeing them on this own a couple of months ago.

Is his mum a good influence with your dc's?

Sounds like you are doing everything you can with keeping the diary.

Yes- his mum is generally a good influence but she tolerates too much from her son. He treated her really badly until we split up and he needed her but she makes excuses for all his behaviour.
But yes, I am much happier when she is there as I know she has the boys interests at heart and they trust her.

mrsjammi you are right I shouldn't talk to him - that is my down fall. She somewhere deep down I want to (or do )see him as a genuine human being and then I give him the hook to manipulate me.

Today when dropping of ds's he said he couldn't see them for at leasr a week due to work committments and an interview. I should of said nothing or OK but I said good for the interview - I then got a barage of "oh, you don't care, you want to fail etc", I then ignored it and said bye and closed the door but ds1 looked worried.

Will have to stop enaging in any chat. I find it really hard as it seems so rude but I know it is the only way forward.

Is there no way to have any contact with the kids supervised if he continues to whisper emotional abuse in your ear?? I'm not sure what you can do but maybe another poster can give advice.

I do not think you have to make the children "available" to him at all costs, no matter what his behaviour. I'm not saying you should withhold contact, but surely there's a limit as to how much you have to put up with.

I hope someone else can shed more light on what can be done, maybe NorthernLurker or ElenorRigby.

ugh it is hard on the dcs isnt it? "but daddy says...."

agree you need to keep your contact and exchanges to minimum.

maybe mediation to draw up contact schedule as first step?

then if that fails go to court.

i hit on this site by accident and couldnt believe some of the stuff i was reading how anti dads is this site i read ive told my ex he can see HIS child 11 hours a week well thats mighty big of you others sayin they dont want the ex to have child overnight cos she will miss puttin him/her to bed ahh the dad misses out on this 7 nights when are woman going to realise that just because they have the bits to carry a child it doesnt or shouldnt make them more of a parent than the dads sadly when couples split up the woman turn the children into weapons to hurt the exs with and bargaining tools i want x amount every month or your access gets cut or stopped i know not all woman are like this but there seems to be more that are than ones that are not and sadly its the kids who suffer read the stats

mumps, the men on this thread are being abusive towards their exs and their dc and using their children as a weapon to continue to do so.

If you can't see that then what does that say about you?

Good Lord.

Learn punctuation then read the other posts again. How one arth did you get to this thread by accident? The dads mentioned above are arses. This in;t he ladies' writing about thm's fault.

Not anti-men, mumps, just anti-abusive men.

popcorn, I also get this from my ex. He tells the children to break things, and not go to school, and tells them that I am going out shagging around, when I say that I am at work! Fortunately, the children can call me at my desk any time, so they know I am not lying.
Tbh, it falls into a sort of grey area wrt access. It is abuse, but is it worse than never seeing your father? I would say on its own, not. I havent restricted access for this reason alone, however, my ex has now done far worse things (holding the children in another country after visits), so now he is not going to see them unsupervised anyway.

You mention he has never contributed. I suggest you phone the CSA and get the money the children are entitled to. He's clearly not going to hand it over willingly.

He may think twice about the sol costs too and start being more reasonable if he has to start paying his fair share of child maintenance.

So sorry for the situation you're in, it sounds horrible. When I left my abusive ex, I paid for a solictor but went down the collaborative law route. Try looking at www.resolution.org.uk.

It's not for everyone and usually used in amicable situations. But it was good for me because my ex is very emotionally abusive and controlling. However he is basically a bully and if you stand up to him, he toes the line. He is also scared of authority and likes social approval.

I am (relatively) good at biting my tongue and didn't respond to some of the ridiculous things he alleged. We also sorted out access and maintenace (CSA minimum) which was written into a legal agreement. I paid £2.5k in total.

Even now, we say nothing to each other and oly communicate by text or letter. Sounds extreme to some, but makes me and my DD (5) know where we are.