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Original poster

Do you and your LOs other parent live in different countries?

10 replies

steaknife · 19/07/2009 15:04

Do you? how does it work?

It's all gone tits up and I am probably going to have to come back to the UK with DD. We are currently in France, her dad is French and would stay here.

Is it just the same as other separated families but with more air-miles?

OP posts:
MitchyInge · 19/07/2009 18:22

We do! It works for us because my ex became progressively more horrible and 14? 15 years on we never hear from him - or so rarely (as in not even once a year) that it might as well be never.

To begin with it did involve a bit of travel but he was only in Holland which is quick and easy. Hope it works out for all of you.

kdk · 19/07/2009 21:46

My DTs' dad was deported from the UK a couple of years ago. We haven't seen him since ... I do think about taking the kids to see him as it's unlikely he could get a visa to come to the UK but I have marginal fears that he may abduct them ....

He phones from time to time but luckily they don't seem to really question his absence from their lives - we split up when they were 6 months old so they don't remember any different.

Suppose it's different depending on where your ex lives and whether you can afford the travel costs.

Anyway wish you luck and strength in the future ...

Original poster
steaknife · 19/07/2009 22:09

thank you both.

Mitchy (still lovin the name) sounds like you are best rid.

kdk - that sounds horrible to worry that he may take your LOs from you.

I don't think, and sincerely hope that will be an issue with me and DH.
Having said that I am having to stay put while I find out rights etc etc rather than come home for a while. You never know how things turn out and I don't want to be accused of kidnapping DD.

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Vidanueva · 20/07/2009 08:56

We´ve done it for over two years but are heading back to the UK this summer. It was fine, in that ex- went back to the UK, leaving us in Spain.

Initially, he was collecting the DSs and taking them back to the UK for visits but DS2 reacted very, very badly (he has SN), so I ended up using a solicitor in the UK and they imposed a 9-6 regime here, which oddly enough worked really, really well. I think as long as whatever you set up works for your child, that is all that matters.

I´d imagine if your ex- is fine with you relocating, you can go, but if not, you will have to go through the French courts to get permission.

Good luck.

twopeople · 20/07/2009 20:14

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
steaknife · 20/07/2009 21:45

It just feels so unfair really. If I want DD to grow up with her dad around then I have to stay here. So if I go home, even though it will make life easier for me she will miss out.

Mind you I suppose DH could always move to UK too.

Humph its been a shite week.

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Vidanueva · 21/07/2009 09:44

He picks them up at 9 and drops them back at 6 - a bit like a full day at work! When, she (the solicitor) first suggested it, I was really sceptical but it has worked incredibly well with my two - they know what to expect, there isn´t much waiting round in the morning and they are home for dinner (if necessary), bath and bed - so, they still have their usual routine. More incredibly, their father even arrives on time, unless he is taking the proverbial (which he does sometimes).

Steaknife - splitting with children is horrible. You have to let go of the dream of a fabulous, caring nuclear family. Do you communicate with your DH? If you can, sit down and work out what is best for all of you. It can be done - you can live in the UK, France isn´t that far. You might be better off in France, depending on work, support network, jobs and housing. If you are OK with it, your DD will be too. Remember the world has gotten so much smaller with webcams, emails, and motorways.

Sorry it is all so rubbish right now - it does get easier.

Original poster
steaknife · 22/07/2009 06:47

I know it has only been a week but when do I realise that he really means it and isn't coming back?

I feel such rage at him leaving us. I know he isn't getting off scott free and I know he is hurting too but he isn't the one whose left alone with a little baby to cope with, in a country that isn't his own with virtually no support network.

Humbug

OP posts:
Vidanueva · 22/07/2009 12:38

That is the pits. Look, as he is in the wrong, so to speak, now is the time to go back to the UK, if that is what you want. Hopefully, he won´t try and stop you. Particularly, as your DD is so little - the residency rule shouldn´t carry too much weight. Tell him you need to go back to the UK - happy Mum, happy baby and that you will sort the contact between the two of you.

IME, it takes a long time to get over rejection, but everyone is different. Mind you, moving countries sure as hell helps! You are too busy to wallow in the awfulness of it all.

Take care of yourself.

Original poster
steaknife · 28/07/2009 13:35

So he passed today to tell me he wants a divorce.
I am heartbroken.

I had been trying to find out if it was possible to stay here in France so he could see DD but now I am just going to head for home.

I have booked a two week trip and hopefully I'll be able to begin sorting out the next stage of my life.

This is not what I signed up for when I got married.

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