is he bothered?

[ugglyduckling]

hi, just need a bit of advice regarding access.

ex DH only sees our dd for 1hr a week with me there all the time. we have been apart for over a year now. he makes no effort to contact us, i have to ring him to make arrangements. if i dont all hell breaks loose he accuses me of not leting him see her etc etc so for an easy life i tend to ring to see what he wants to do.

part of me wants them to have contact with each other and part of me thinks whats the point for 1 hour a week. he says he wants her more but when it comes down to it he backs off ive tried being encouraging and supportive but the 1 time i did leave her he had her back with in 1/2 an hour LITERALLY!!!. I dont want to traumatise my dd or upset her but i cant see the point or what relationship can be built on 1hr a week so the other half of me thinks sod it dont see her at all.

is he bothered at all about seeing her or do you think he just does it to save face wth people? OR to say that he is trying? when there together i have to constantly prompt him on how to play with her e.g look daddy why dont you push dd on the swings etc etc.

its hard because i dont know what kind of relationship he wants to have with her do you think hes bothered at all or is it me stopping them having a relationship by doing something im not aware of??

what is 'normal' access?

It depends on how old your dd is, if she's a baby they he'll have no idea what to do with her, they are not good with little ones. If she's a child then maybe he needs some ideas of where to take her. It's hard for everyone, your best bet is to sit down and talk to him, work out what he wants and take it from there.

sorry should have said she's nearly 2 and talks quite well she will say what she wants to do like go to the park or swimming etc.

i just dont know what to do for the best? i dont want her to not know her daddy hes not a bad person but then i dont want her to be let down by him either?

ask him what his ideal access would be -
ie. how often, how long for, with or without you, what kind of activities would be comfortable doing with her?

Then take it from there.

Would it help if you had an 'appt' each time he had her - so he can't use you as a get-out-of-an-uncomfortable-situation clause?

It sounds like he's a bit overwhelmed tbh, and also if i'm honest, like you need to leave force him to get on it.

could you ask for legal advice? had to do with this with x eventually and we've ended up at contact centre. of course he blames me but if he'd got off his arse he wouldn't have had to pay for a solictor.
understand how hard it is tho (((()))

thaks guys all helpfull advice i think we do really just need to sit down and talk and maybe i need to let go a bit too XXXX