Hi, I'm a regular but have namechanged (hope it works)
I am having such a horrible time just now with ex partner. My little boy is 8 weeks old and Ex left us when he was 4 days old.
We've split before, the last time being during my pregnancy as I couldn't handle his abuse. He wouldn't accept my no drugs policy when we moved in together. He would regularly fly off the handle at me because I wouldn't let him smoke hash in the house. He would swear at me and just generally make me feel like shit and like I was the one at fault for not letting him smoke it.
I was stupid to get back with him, but just wanted the family to work.
Anyway this time he left for good and I'm glad to be away from him. It's only now I can see how controlling he was over me.
Since he left, I have always said I wanted him to be a part of DS's life and he has agreed. He is supposed to come every weekend to see him. So far, most weekends he has cancelled for one reason or another. The times he has appeared, he's stayed only a couple of hours before saying he has important things to do.
As a result of this, and never knowing whether he's going to appear or not and for how long, 2 weeks ago I said we have to try and arrange specific times etc. We both decided that he'd be here every saturday and sunday from 11am til 4pm, bar the last weekend of every month when he cant afford to travel up to see him (2 hour drive). This was at his request.
So last weekend, he cancelled and this weekend he cancelled saturday.
Today (or yesterday now) he showed up at 11am, and I was impressed. Until he came in and the smell of booze coming off him was unreal. It was from the night before but still, it was very strong.
He then left early saying he had things to do. When I started to question why he's not once managed to stick to his arranged times, he said it's because DS is too young to notice and all he does is sleep and "stick to your boob". He says it doesn't matter whether he's here on time and regular as arranged as DS is too young to know. I started to object to this and got a mouthful of F words thrown at me so I told him to get out of my house if he was going to speak to me like that. On his way out he said he has respect for my 2 kids but none for me. Why he had to add that I don't know, but it hurt like hell and still brings tears to my eyes thinking about that comment.
I followed him out as I had some belongings of his I wanted him to take away, and I told him that even though DS is so young he still needs regular visits from his dad. To which I got the what's the point all he does is sleep and stick to you comment again. I asked whether he just wanted to disappear then for a couple of years then walk back into his life again. The reply was once you stop breastfeeding I'll be taking him for weekends.
Can he? Does he have rights to just do that? I'm so confused. The guy makes me feel about 2 inches tall. I'm tired. I'm so tired of listening to him swearing at me and him intimidating me with nasty comments. I try to make his time with DS as good as possible. I even go out to the garden and do some work so they can be alone together.
Now I don't want to even share a room with him. I just dont have the strength to be dreading every weekend to see if he cancels, or shows up but gives me abuse.
Today he left during this bust up, so I don't know when, if ever, to expect him back.
I will be seeking legal advice, but does anyone have any advice about what contact I should be aiming for. Like how often, how much. Can I say no to him having my boy for weekends? I would worry the whole time as Ex uses hash, is a bloody awful driver (who doesn't see any harm in driving whilst under influence of hash or grass), also doesn't even have his own place (lives with a family member and there's no extra room. If DS was to stay there it would be in the living room I'd imagine as there's no space anywhere else, the bedroom is so tiny)
To be honest, I'd rather that for the forseeable future, the contact Ex has with DS is supervised, either by me or my mum but with me somewhere nearby, and that Ex is not allowed to take him away in the car, although maybe out in the pram. This is not out of spite, it's because 1, Ex doesn't really know how to look after him and 2, I'm breastfeeding so I need him close.
Am I being unreasonable in that? I feel like such a bitch to not trust Ex totally alone with DS, but I cant help it, he's just worn me down so much, and I've never seen him be a dad. He never gave much attention to my older son (not his), just pretty much ignored him.
Sorry for rambling quite a lot, but I just need to write what I can and see what people think.