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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

someone please remind me that no relationship is better than a bad relationship ...

16 replies

oiseau · 11/05/2005 16:07

Hi, I used to post a little bit when my son was a baby (now 2).

My H and I split up 4 months ago - very messy, in short our relationship had deteriorated since we had DS - he couldn't cope with the responsibility. Gradually things got worse and worse he was using cocaine a lot and staying out really late, I kept asking if there was someone else and he denied it. We were supposed to be moving to amsterdam as a family in January, 10 days before we packed up and left I discovered his credit card bill and guess what. He confessed all and he had been seeing this other woman for 7 months (she is 6 years older than him and married, no kids).

So my world as I knew it fell apart but in a way I was relieved, i didn't have to try and make this awful relationship work any more and could just get on and do things my way. 4 months later and i feel like it has all hit me like a brick wall and i can't stop crying and missing him and being lonely. Intellectually i know i am better off without him but my emotions just won't catch up ...

Does that make any sense? thanks for reading if you are still here.

OP posts:

bonym · 11/05/2005 16:19

Hi oiseau. The answer is definitely. When I finally left ex-h after being unhappy for a long long time, I ended up spending 2.5 years on my own with dd1. Yes, I had times when I felt lonely but it was one of the happiest times of my life - just me anf dd and no-one else to worry about/answer to. Things will get easier - try to keep up with friends and family if you can and make sure you speak to someone else every day even if it's only the local shopkeeper!

I'm now married to a wonderful man who is 1000x better than my 1st husband and loves dd1 to bits. You are worth better than an unfaithful drug addict. Make the most of your time alone with your ds and sooner or later a really good man will come along.

Bugsy2 · 11/05/2005 16:23

Awwwww, big hugs oiseau. 4 months is such a short time, it will take you a bit longer to recover. I am now divorced from ex-H and life is much better (split up 2 yrs ago) but it did take a while to sort out.
You are doing really well, try and organise small things to look forward to and remember all the shitty stuff you don't have to do anymore.

Original poster

oiseau · 11/05/2005 16:26

Thanks bonym - I know you are right and your story gives me hope! I am enjoying my time with DS - he is brilliant. I regularly count my blessings - wonderful son, great friends and family, thankfully OK for money, nice home etc etc and for all those reasons I feel so c**p for moaning. I guess I am just having a downer and this too will pass ... I just seem to have my rose coloured glasses on but you are quite right I am worth more than a lying adulterous pig and seeing it in black and white helps!

OP posts:

Caligula · 11/05/2005 16:27

Oiseau, your emotions will catch up. Just take it one day at a time and accept that you will have some bad days. But gradually, the good days will outweigh the bad ones. And I agree with Bugsy, one of the most useful ways to move on when you're feeling this low, is to remember the bad times and how awful you felt when you were with him, and keep remembering reasons why you're better off without him.

101StressPuppy · 11/05/2005 16:28

Hi there's a fair few lone parents around here and everyone of them will tell you that you're absolutely right - no relationship is better than a bad relationship.

It won't make it any easier to start with but it will get easier and there are lots of people here who will be willing to give you support.

When times were tough for me I used to get an early night, things always look better in the morning and if the next days hard, keep thinking about the one thats coming... Eventually those days won't seem as hard as they were six months ago (iyswim)

101StressPuppy · 11/05/2005 16:28

Hi there's a fair few lone parents around here and everyone of them will tell you that you're absolutely right - no relationship is better than a bad relationship.

It won't make it any easier to start with but it will get easier and there are lots of people here who will be willing to give you support.

101StressPuppy · 11/05/2005 16:28

See my point was so important I posted it twice - oops

Original poster

oiseau · 11/05/2005 16:34

Yes agree about the early night thing. That's one of my problems, I worry about being lonely so I arrange lots of things and get friends over etc and then I get tired and then I get down .... my own worst enemy really! On to the bad things to remember for starters:

being the only mum in the park on a saturday morning with all the dad's and my H is at home sleeping off his hang over
lying in bed at night waiting to hear the sound of a taxi pulling up at 1am, 2am, 6.30am
not having to sneak around looking for evidence of his coke habit and philandering to prove to myself I am not going mad
not having to spend £100s of pounds going out for posh meals because apparently I can't cook ...

yes that's made me feel better!

OP posts:

DillyDally · 11/05/2005 16:36

As someone who is still in her dry period (its been over two flipplin years ), I have sympathies with you... That said, everytime I look at the ex, I am so happy about the decision I made.
It is lonely, it is tough it is knackering but it could be the one of the best decisions you have ever made (if your relationship was bad)
Read the threads about the poor wives trying to cope with affairs to put things into perspective

tammybear · 11/05/2005 17:15

hi oiseau. ive been single since feb/march, was a very messy break up too. like you, i know i am 100% times better off not in that relationship, but i do still have my moments where i get down and upset, and wish i had that someone. think its quite normal to feel that way especially after being with someone for a long time.

Hope you feel bit better xxx

ninah · 11/05/2005 17:20

Oiseau I am sorry you feel so down. It could be all the stress of your final months with h and his betrayal is catching up with you now you're beginning to establish yourself on your own.
A bad relationship IS worse than no relationship - you know it I know it - you have had the courage to act on it. Thank goodness you did not uproot your family for this man. Keep going!

Original poster

oiseau · 11/05/2005 17:28

thanks everyone - your wise words really help, I have just arranged a weekend away when H has DS with my friend to cheer myself up. Keep looking forward and don't look back .... if only it was that easy!

OP posts:

WishIWasYou · 11/05/2005 17:33

You are definatly better off on your own and out of that relationship.

I know because I am still in my bad relationship and it is destroying my soul.
The feeling of my heart sinking when he comes home or when I can tell there is going to be an argument.
The way I have to try not to show that I don't even want him to kiss me let alone anything else.
The way he makes me feel so worthless and unloved.

You are in the better position, believe me.

Original poster

oiseau · 11/05/2005 19:58

Oh wishiwasyou that is so sad ... if you feel like this can you not leave him? Not an easy path to take I know and hearing me moan doesnt make it seem any easier but honestly if you know this could you consider it?

OP posts:

Janna · 12/05/2005 12:35

wishiwasyou Are you scared of being on your own so thats why your sticking with your partner, It must be really awful for you, that's really really sad.
oiseau I've been totally on my own since easter. This followed a year of being very off and on with my ex of nine years after he had an affair with a 16 yr old. After months and months of lies, disapearences and him saying oh yeah we'll take it slow and then finding it over easter he had been with her properly since before xmas anyway, I finally saw the light and cut him off. He dosen't come to the house anymore, we rarely phone, he still sees the kids at weekends but apart from that nothing. Now I can't bear him although and this sounds odd i still love him in away but he has hurt me so much I want as little to do with him as poss. It still bloody hurts and some days I feel like shit but the good days are overcoming the bad ones. I love being on my own more and more and I see myself as going up while he is slowly going under.
I can do my own thing with the kids, I answer to nobody, I don't have to put up with his moods, dirty clothes, smelly habits, being under my feet all the time, his smacked arse look when things don't go his way, I can SMOKE if I want which he hated and banned me from doing. Now everytime I light up I think of him . I could go on and on.....
I think you should give yourself a bit of time. You will feel better and the pain will lessen gradually. I still struggle with my emotions sometimes but i'm getting there.

anorak · 12/05/2005 12:48

Just because you're grieving for the relationship doesn't alter the fact that it was right to part.

You're entitled to grieve, let yourself, it will help you heal.

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