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what do you guys do whose ex H has moved a long way away??

18 replies

simpson · 08/06/2009 00:00

Basically I have asked D H to move out 4wks ago and he has gone back to Ireland (where his family is from)

He has mental health problems and technically still has a job over here but has been signed off for so long I fear he will lose it.

Anyway, I digress, he is thinking of staying in Ireland (although not totally rational ATM) so hopefully he will want to come over and visit DCs (3 & 1)

I do not want him to stay in our house...

Am I being out of order by not letting this happen?

Ie , he will have to pay money to stay in B & B etc.

His name is still on mortgage BTW so technically he owns half but think it will confuse kids, and need to set boundaries etc...


OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 08/06/2009 00:04

No. You need to set a precedence. Be clear.

Ok to call in/collect kids, but he needs to sort own accomodation out

JJsandcat · 10/06/2009 13:57

Technically with his name on the mortgage you cannot refuse him access to the jointly oned property.

I understand your worries re the kids but you need to stay within the boundaries of the law. I think it's best if you see a solicitor asap to get some peace of mind.

JJsandcat · 10/06/2009 14:00



ridingjoker · 10/06/2009 18:42
lou33 · 10/06/2009 18:51

i would party for a month if mine buggered off for good

lou33 · 10/06/2009 18:53

jj is right tho, whilst my exh was on the lease i had no legal way of making him stay out of hte property, which he took total advantage of

simpson · 10/06/2009 21:14

well he came back from Ireland today to see Dcs and has made decision to stay in Ireland permanently.

However problem will be now what happens when he wants to visit Dcs as I don't want him staying in house overnight and he is not well enough to be working therefore not earning

OP posts:
lou33 · 10/06/2009 21:53

if hte house is in your name only then it isnt your problem really, he will have to find his own accommodation

if it is still in both names then sadly if he wanted to stay you couldnt stop him afaik

simpson · 10/06/2009 21:55

yes hence the problem as its in both our names.

Just think it would confuse DS (3) if he was there sometimes, but sometimes not iyswim.

OP posts:
lou33 · 10/06/2009 21:57

i dont know what to suggest, i found it hideously stressful when my exh came and stayed, he ended up refusing to go for weeks at a time

the best thing is to just keep reminding your dc that he is only here on holiday to see them and he will be off at some point

simpson · 10/06/2009 22:03

TBH H is being as good as he can but is pretty ill TBH.

I have not seen him for a month and noticed a real difference in him today Unfortunately so did DS who wouldn't go to him...

He voluntarily left his house keys here

But point will be I think that if I don't let him stay here say once a month he won't see Dcs iyswim.

I guess I can insist on return tickets booked etc so i know he is leaving....

OP posts:
lou33 · 10/06/2009 22:04

yes i think you need to get assurances that it isnt going to deteriorate into the type of scenario i had

simpson · 10/06/2009 22:10

yes think you are right but just worry as when he is really ill he isn't rational iyswim

Guess its just a waiting game...

OP posts:
lou33 · 10/06/2009 22:45

i think you need to speak to a solicitor if you think there could be grounds for concerns wrt safety issues

cestlavielife · 11/06/2009 11:45

is there a friend he could stay with?

presumably you have good reasons with regard to his behaviours as to why you dont want him to stay. i would stick to saying he cannot stay, if he is still unwell.

i had similar situation - ex came back "for xmas" then refused to the end i had to up and move out of joint owned flat with the kids and rent my own place...he still there...

JJsandcat · 12/06/2009 10:39

Simpson dear, it doesn't have to be a waiting game at all. Do you think you can just sit it out and it'll magically get better? Him showing you a return ticket means nothing until that plane is off the runway with him.

Sorry to put it so bluntly but the sooner you seek advice the sooner you'll find a way to get that house transferred into your sole name. Your little ones must notice that you are anxious, for the sake of them and some breathing space for yourself, go to a solicitor or seek counsel with a charity to find a way forward. Sitting it out will just leave all of you hanging in suspense.

Wishing you all the best.

simpson · 12/06/2009 12:26

have had no problems with him going back this time

He has just gone (left key) after visiting Dcs for 3 days.

TBH don't think he will try anything.

Was just wondering whether I was being out of order by making him fork out for a B & B really.

Don't mind him in house, picking up Dcs etc, just don't want him sleeping here.

I do need legal advice as I also want to sort out what would happen to Dcs if anything (Heaven forbid) happened to me

Cestlavielife he could possibly stay with my dad, but is not definate iyswim.

OP posts:
JJsandcat · 13/06/2009 11:15

Oh, good for you. Personally I don't think it's out of order to make him pay for a B&B though I wouldn't enforce it if he were clawing and howling at your door to be let in IYSWIM

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