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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Just become a lone parent and very scared

23 replies

emmawil37 · 02/06/2009 17:33

Hi,

My DH has just left me, well I kicked him out after I found out he was advertising to meet up with woman for NSA daytime sex on "plenty of Fish" dating site. Which is not the 1st time when my DD was born he was seeing other women but I was low at the time I took him back, this is time there is no way I can have hime back.

I'm really scared of the furture though I have two children DS who is 3 and a DD who is 4 who I am planning to home ed, but now I'm really worried money etc. Even living by myself I never have.

This is also my 2nd marriage my 1st time turned out to be gay, my 2nd is certainly next gay just can't get another of it but not with me!!!!!

Any advice, support or words of encouragment would be really gratefully recived.

OP posts:

ninah · 02/06/2009 17:36

hello
I am sure the future will be much brighter without the stresses of living with a h like that
it seems v frightening, but just take one day at a time
the whole money responsibility thing can be managed and you can build a much better life
I left ex when dd was about 7 months and ds was 3 have a very good life, not loadsa cash by any means but have made friends and found it is possible to have fun on very little
good luck

Original poster

emmawil37 · 02/06/2009 17:41

Thanks ninah your're right life with him was so stressful as I knew something was going on and we would have rows and he'll call me jealous and make me feel stupid, I found proof yesterday which is when he left so I was always right, I wished I wasn't!!

OP posts:

ninah · 02/06/2009 17:51

I know exactly, mine tried to convince me I was going mental, it's a horrible horrible life
I'm off to college now (nvq childcare) but keep in touch
it gets better, really it does
don't have him back

Original poster

emmawil37 · 02/06/2009 17:53

Thanks,

Have a good time at college.

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SarahMac30 · 02/06/2009 19:01

Hello.....Ninah is right. It is very overwhelming and scary at first but it does get better. My exH left when DD was 1 year old. She is now 6 and we have built a happy and stable life now...just the two of us. Have you considered putting both in school?? It may help them to interact with other kids and for you to meet a network of mums as well as being able to have some time to work, shop, be yourself etc.
Hope all goes well. Keep us posted. x

Original poster

emmawil37 · 02/06/2009 19:05

Hi Sarah,

Thanks for the support. No Yasmin had a horrific time at preschool so she's not very confident at the moment, we are starting to go to lots of groups and getting out and about, so I'm happy that HE is the right choice for her.

Why can too many men be like this if their family isn't enough for them. I don't know I'm worried about the visiting rights as I don't ever want to see him again but that's not far on the kids, but he was a useless father so I wouldn't want them to be alone with him and I don't get on with any of his family.

OP posts:

FairyLightsForever · 02/06/2009 22:33

There are a lot of upsides to being a single parent. Not being in a relationship is a good thing sometimes, you learn about yourself, your likes and dislikes and the person you really are, without being influenced by anyone.

It will be hard at first, but it does get easier. Eventually you'll realise that being single is far better than settling for second best, just so you can have a man in your life.

I am prepared to wait until I find someone who deserves me and my kids in their life

jamestkirk · 02/06/2009 22:43

going it alone with kids can be scarey - i've raised mine alone with no help from ex.

noticed the word 'stability' - thats really important. your ex's may come and go when it suits them - is often just when theyre bored - but you must be the stable, reliable one who's always there for them. boring at times i know, but in the long run it pays off. for you as well as the kids. when they do well, are happy and sucessful - you can think 'i did that! '

well done and best wishes for the future !!

Original poster

emmawil37 · 02/06/2009 22:44

Wow fairylights, that's so positive. At the moment I am nowhere near that, My mum stayed round my house since he left. Tonight is the 1st night I have stayed by myself with the kids and I'm starring at my phone even thinking if there's anyway I can forgive what he's down. I can't stop crying mind you I did go out with a friend last night and got totally drunk I needed to get it out of my system and then responsbile mum from now on.

I actually have never lived by myself before so I so nervous. I just am so worried I'm not a strong enough person.

OP posts:

Voltaire · 02/06/2009 22:49

Don't be scared of the future. Look forward to a much brighter future.

Might home edding be very isolating for you?

ninah · 02/06/2009 22:49

Course you are emma
i do remember the first nights and how terrifying it was
we did not see ex for a year but now he visits regularly, tho he does not have home address, he takes them out
we are civil
there really is nothing to be scared of you know!

Original poster

emmawil37 · 02/06/2009 22:58

Thanks for your words of encouragment. Voltaire home ed is not as isolating infact its the opposite as there are home ed groups and of course go so you get to meet lots of people are everybody is there to support each other so its probably least isolating than school and my dd will join rainbows and brownie. There's a lot of people who home ed for various reasons nowadays. But yes the furture is sooo scared but I just don't know anything at the moment.

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Original poster

emmawil37 · 02/06/2009 22:59

P.s sorry for the typos my mind is mush at the mo

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ninah · 02/06/2009 23:00

you sound v organised to me
I don't do anything extra curricular with my dc poor things, just send them up the garden

SarahMac30 · 03/06/2009 10:31

Emma, you said about staring at the phone wondering if you can forgive him. Blimey.....when I first split with my ex I stayed with my sister and remember saying to her after a couple of days 'I'm going home'. She told me what for and I'm glad she did. Had I gone back it would have ended up a vicious circle of leaving and disruption for my DD. Trust me it gets easier emotionally, just give yourself time. You are doing all the right things and you seem to have a clear idea of what you want for the future of your child....home ed, clubs etc which is perfect. Look to the future now as a stable family of two. It can work and does work. Nothing is ever easy either on your own or in a relationship. xxx

Original poster

emmawil37 · 03/06/2009 12:53

I wished I had a sister likes yours Sarah. I lost a lot of friends when we had children but recenty I have been a real enough to make more friends and they are being a godsend, I think of must of know it would come out sooner or later. I feel so up and down at the moment one minute really positive the next a wreck. But, my children are my everything and they're making laugh.

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AutumnLady · 03/06/2009 14:02

Emma
Sorry to hear about your situation. My DS is 7 months old and my I have just divorced my exh who had an affair when I was 7 months pregnant with a 'friend' of ours. There was no way on earth I could forgive him but I tried for the sake of DS. It got so intolerable around christmas that I filed for divorce in January and am currently living with my parents. Just been to court to sort out finances, which was terrible, and now I am able to look for a rented place near to mum and dad.

You are doing the right thing but agree that it's hard. I've not lived alone for about 12 years but am actually looking forward to not having someone thoughtless hanging about causing mess and stress! You sound remarkably organised and that will stand you in good stead. I have had to leave my circle of friends and now have to start again in a new area which is tough but not impossible. I work part time which makes it hard to join some groups but I'm sure I'll sort it out in the end.

Keep on pushing on and just realise that you and your children are much better off!

Original poster

emmawil37 · 03/06/2009 17:28

Autumnlady,

Gosh you sound very stong. How can men do it hey. My dh went home to call his other woman the day our dd was born she knew nothing about us and he never told her anything, not the fact his 1st child had just been born!!!! I am glad I took him back as I wouldn't of had my DS but its just unbelievable what they can get up to. Unfortunaley there's an incressing amount of women who don't care if the man is in a relationship or got children and that is even sadder I think, like your 'friend' how could a woman have an afair with a friends man especially when their pregnant?!! Its beyond me.

Best of luck to you too.

OP posts:

FairyLightsForever · 05/06/2009 15:27

I think when the future seems scarey, the approach has to be 1 day at a time. Think of your X as a drug and going back to him as falling off the wagon. Then, rather than it being so many days/ weeks of being single, you can see yourself as stronger for having gone so many days/ weeks without him. Afterall, he's obviously as toxic and as bad for you as any drug addiction.
Stay strong, it's tough, but so much better than the alternative, at least this way you can hold your head up high.
Good Luck x x

Soon2bMum · 05/06/2009 15:31

Hi all, I'm about to become a single mum (due in about 4 weeks) and its scary. Good to read some of the comments on here though!

AutumnLady · 09/06/2009 10:10

Thanks Emma - how you getting on?

soon2bmum - good luck with the pregnancy and keep posting, I've found mumsnet to be very supportive! You will be fine

Original poster

emmawil37 · 11/06/2009 09:10

Hi AutumnLady,

I'm OK, ex is being unbelieveable he's blaming me. If I ask any questions about how many he did have sex with while we were married he says I'm harassing him and playing mind games! Apparently everyone is meant to feel sorry for him! Its OK if he calls me but not if I call him. It was doing my head but actually now its just making know that I am better off without him, the house is tidier, I am getting all the jobs he started and left actually done, and I feel better in myself.

I let him see the children at the weekend and we went to a soft play centre where I broke my big toe playing football with dd! That has been frustrating but I think it actually was a blessing in a strange way, as I wasn't concentrating when driving and now I can't drive with my foot and having a broken toe is better than crashing the car!!!!

I'm going out and getting my hair done, got some nicer cloths, slapping on the fake tan and I realised I really let myself go when I was with ex and that was because he made me feel bad about myself.

Mumsnet is deferinaley very good support, thank you.

OP posts:

ninah · 11/06/2009 19:33

good for you, emma!
sorry about your toe tho

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