So can he do this and what can i do about it?

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BIG problems with ex husband and contact.
He has hardly seen dd since we split up end of dec.
Alst week i found out that most of the time when he said hes been working and couldnt see her that he has been off doing social things with his new gf or volunteering with army cadets.
He has had her one overnight stay in this whole time. I was very concerned about it as he has never had dd that long on his own. DD is very fragile and is going through a tough time and even her keyworker at nursery took me aside and advised me not to let her go that weekend with her dad. BUT i let her go. Later found out that he had his new gf there the whole time. SO just made dd more upset and confused. He has only seen her once since then ( mid of april). He could have had her this weekend but said he didnt want to. He could have seen her weekend before that, but said it wasnt worth it. He has said he will call 3x a week on set days and times but doesnt stick to it. Then blames me that he hasnt spoken to her and she doesnt want to speak to him.
Hes finally come back to me with some dates in june, two weekends on the trot. I thiunk its a little bit much for DD, but have agreed. He then sends me a text telling me he will take her away to cambridge ( where he will hire a house for the weekend) and there is nothing i can do about it.

Huge row ensues, he doesnt get the impact of what happened last time and how it affected her. Im not trying to stop contact at all, but dd needs some consistancy and to see him a bit more regulary first. I even said he could have her one overnight at his parents ( which his parents have agreed to ) but he said no, and that he would just take her without telling me and there isnothing i can do about it.

What do i do?

See a solicitor.

Seems there is no reasoning with him. And you are right about needing proper regular contact.

Or else he should take you to court where they will not approve of such wishy washy contact!

It's never about his rights though. It's the childrens act which is enforced with regards to contact.........and that means it's the rights if the child, not parent,which is considered!

She's not disputing his rights, Rasputin. It's his attitude that is worrying. She's not a toy he can just pick up and put down at whim.

You definitely need a proper contact order which he must stick to. He isn't going to listen to you, so it will have to come from lawyers/a court for him to take it seriously.

How old is DD?

How old is dd? I guess between 5 months and 4?

He is her dad and yes he can take her away for the weekend in this country.

His g/f is with him - why is this a problem for your dd? He can have anyone with him or see anyone he wants friends, parents family etc when he has contact.

Perhaps the best thing to do is actually sit down and write a letter and outline what you would like and when you would like contact to be on a regular basis and ask if that is suitable.

Possibly every other weekend from friday night - sunday eve and one wek day eve for a couple of hours for tea. Then see what he comes back with.

better the written word than a big row.

Sounds like the father doesn't want his child to have these rights tho. That says alot about him.

She is 3.
Im not trying to stop him seeing her. Im just trying to limit the emotional damage he keeps causing her. He said thats a load of rubbish and the only important thing is her safety.
He doesnt know that she cries everyniigh. Gets upset when he doesnt call or doesnt answer the phone when she calls him. He turns up late or cancells at the last min.
He doesnt see her for a month then wants to see her two weekends in a row. There is no consistancy and it just wants to be a parent to her when he chooses.
Ive written emails and letters and he doesnt read them.

Also adding to the prob is the fact that hes forces so has no house and cannot go to court for an order as he cant really plan much. This is also very convienet for him to not see her and he just says hes working when hes not ( and i have proof of this).

Do i let her go those dates in june and risk him just taking her? At that point he wont have seen her for almost 2 months.

Right he is being an arse and is not doing what is in your daughters best interest. I would refuse contact for the time being and tell him he NEEDS to see a solicitor/go to court (though I know there are other processes before it gets to court). I think he will continue messing your daughter around while he can. He needs defined contact to make it work for your little one. He isnt going to do this voluntarily so I think going the legal route is the only way.

I'm sure if this got to Cafcass/mediation they would see that you are not stopping contact per se but you want something in place that is consistant for her.

DONT REFUSE CONTACT. Your daughter will NOT thank you for that! be mature here.... He obviously wants to make a go of things.. Let him. your daughter isnt as FRAGILE as you make out.

If he's being an arse.. then write him a letter, proposing when he can see his daughter. Include over night too (after all you dont want to be unreasonebl) Then let him respond..

thanks old raver -
ive spent hours on the phone today, to gingerbread lon parent advice line, community legal advice and finally childrens legal centre.
I have been advised to either stop all contact for the momment and leave it to be sorted via solicitors or to stop overnight contact.
Ive chosen to stop overnight contact and have told him this on the phone to which he did not react to. Im going to send him an email so he has something in writing and will clarify my position with my solicitor in my appt next week.
Apparently as the main carer and beacuse dd is so young i am allowed to say what sort of contact is and isnt acceptable and which is in her best interests.
If i say he can have overnight access, he can do with her what he pleases during that access time. So in light of the abduction threats he has made i have decided it is easier to minimise that happening.
I find it very very difficult as i just wish he could be the dad to dd that i want him to be. Ive had problems with my own dad over the years and still find it so painful and i just dont want dd to go through all of that. But at some point he needs to step up to being a parent.
He did call and tried to speak to dd tonight, she did take the phone from him said hello then bye and hung up the phone! He called back and blamed me ( nothing to do with me at all.. shes 3 and fickle as anything. I put him on speakerphone and he asked her if she wanted to talk to him and she said no.
Maybe he will start to learn his lesson but i doubt it.